I was raised by my grandparents both have long passed away. My grandfather in 1996 my Grandmother in 1999. I think of them everyday. I know it wasn’t easy for them because they worried about what would become of me. I didn’t do well in school, I never participated in sports or joined a club. I was a definition of a wallflower. After HS I went to community college but dropped out. I bounced from job to job. And eventually settled into photography and I was very good at it but I had a difficult time making a living. It turns out Im very creative but not very business savvy. I’m just not very aggressive, which is a trait needed to make it as a photographer. All the while I lived with my grandparents who always supported me. I think of them everyday, I love them and missed them so very much.
I just can’t make it in life. My girlfriend died in 2010, my father in 2014. Since then I’ve gradually become more and more lonely. My life is literally falling apart and I barely get by. I don’t sleep well, I have depression, and I’m always worried. And yes I think about ending my life. Does any of this resonate with someone?
Thank you for your words of support in the past.
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Shutterbug65
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I think many of us who have had such great loss as you have, sometimes tend to think of the worst case scenario at some point in our disease. I'm so very sorry for all your loss...and was wondering if you ever got any help with grief and loss.....it does sound like you never really got a break in life from this long enough to get any healing done....and when we have depression on top of all this kind of heavy loss....we really find it harder and harder.
I was there about a decade ago....and I mean really there.....I don't know what made me get out the door that day as I had been isolating myself for months....but I just did....I joined a local center for various groups and did a group for grief and loss for some weeks, and then another for art therapy. I have no easy solutions to say to you, and therapy is a very long process, taking SSRI's can be frustrating, and they don't work for everyone....
but you do have a talent....and even if you leave the business side of it for now....if you can, try to take some pictures of what you’re feeling right now in your soul....find those shots that depict what you’re going through and express yourself. I would at the same time also seek help professionally if you can....a good fit with some of these counselling centers can really help....mine was on a sliding scale....I paid what I could afford. The group was a 5.00 per meeting and one on one was 10.00. And even sharing here is very helpful for me....and I hope it is for you as well....hang in there.
I couldn't of said it any better than faux! Faux is very wise & been through a lot ...heed their advice! I wish for you peace! Also I'm here for you!!! Lots of love & hugs!!! XXX
Thank you. I’m always thinking how happy I was when I was young. All the people who supported me who are no longer here. I know I took them for granted, believing they would always be around to take care of me. I miss those days so very much. And I can’t help but feel I’ve disappointed them. I have a lifetime of regrets, and not getting married and having a family of my own is on that list. I’m so empty inside and I’m tired of pushing myself forward.
You must realize they would want you to be happy? You have to try to let go of the past...I don't mean all of it, yet moving & pushing yourself forward will help you! I am here for you...if you would like you can pm me. I wish for you all the best my friend...mostly peace!!! Love & warm hugs!!! XXX
Thanks. I’m always at my worst in the morning. I often have trouble sleeping, I take Doxepin to help with sleep, but once I wake the anxieties and worry some thoughts start, and getting back to sleep is nearly impossible. I know I need to move forward, to let go of the past but I just don’t know how. To me my past was the happiest time of my life. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t see happy destination moving forward. I really don’t have anyone in my life to talk to about this. I’m sorry I’m such a downer. I’m just lonely. Thanks for the invite to pm you. I’ll take you up on that.
I think regrets are just one of the worst things we can get stuck on....it's a killer for me....if I look back at all I had and had done, all the stuff I had to give up, losing my business, my health, my friends passing, my failed marriage of 15yrs...the list of regrets is endless....all my collections, losing mostly my mojo of being able to jump up out of bed and take on the day head on and just go till I dropped....could work for hours....all of that part of my life is over, and gone,...
But what is most important is....they are now no longer regrets....I've taken the good memories....my friends who have passed are in a good place and pain free now, and knowing what I lost materially was just stuff....I can always get new stuff....losing my health...well...that's just life....I will adapt to what I can and can't do now. I have nothing compared to what I used to have stuff wise....but what I have now is priceless, I have love....and I had to let go of the regrets to let it go to make room for the good stuff....I have new friends now, many of them here on this site, and am living with the love of my life...I'm in my sixties pal.....and if it can happen to me...it can happen to anyone....
Thanks. I feel like every thing in my life is getting worse. My Dad past away four years ago and for three years after I felt fine. All this intense anxiety and worry got progressively worse over the past year. And losing my girlfriend of nearly nine years was an extremely difficult time for me, but that was 8 years ago. And slowly over time I adjusted. Like I said it’s only been recently that my anxiety and depression seem to have gotten worse. And I find myself thinking a a lot more about all those I lost along with the life I had with them. Could this still be grief, just occurring now after all these years? I just can’t go on like this.
Yes this is real grief and it can come at any time.
Last year I lost my mother who in life was a very iconic woman. Her passing triggered massive loss for me. My grandma died in 1976 and my grandpa in 2005. When they were all alive my family was close and we had get togethers. Now that they’re all gone everyone has scattered and I don’t see my extended family anymore.
I keep wishing I could go back on a time machine and see them all again. They show up in my dreams too.
All I can say is the hurt from the loss of real ones is very real as is grieving.
As for the photography it sounds like you have quite a talent. What I respect about photographers is they have a good eye and know what pictures to take that impress others.
Perhaps as therapy go out there and take pictures of things that your grandparents and father enjoyed. Then develop/print them and take time staring into the pictures remembering and honoring them. Have a good cry if you need to. Crying is cleansing for the soul.
As for creating a photography business, I can relate... I tried starting a business. But I found that I’m not a marketer. I was always terrified of social business mixers. So I closed down my business shortly thereafter.
As someone else mentioned, perhaps a grief group would be good for you. There you can have human interaction with others who have loss. You will not feel as alone relating to others.
Thank you. I’m sorry it took awhile to respond back. Yes I wish I could go back in time too. I felt so secure and happy. I wish I could talk to my grandparents and my father and so many others that I’ve lost. Thinking that a time would come when they would no longer be here, was something I never thought about. And I never thought my life would end up so lonely. I don’t know what caused me to feel so anxious, especially in the mornings. I’m getting tired of pushing myself to move forward.
Thank you for the advice. And take care of yourself.
I’m sorry for your loss as well. My family was the same way. When my grandparents were alive everyone was so much closer. Now everyone is scattered and we don’t get together that much. Hardly ever really. They all seem to have their own lives. I’m the only one who didn’t get married or have children.
Thank you for your feedback. My siblings have children and their families keep in touch. I never had children either. I am in a long term Gay relationship. Though I’m partnered my hubby is a good person but he’s often busy. Still I get quite lonely. Plus I have the concern, not having children, who will take care of me when I’m elderly? On top of that I’m turning 60. I look in the mirror and can see I’m aging. I was just laid off my job which means now I have to go back out to a job market that realistically age biased. So my chances of finding another job isn’t an easy chore whatsoever. This is all so anxiety provoking.
So what to do? I wish I had an answer to that. Sometimes I just have to tell my depression to just go f—- itself.
Believe it or not that feels good because it makes me feel in positive control. I try my best to focus on anything positive even if it’s minuscule. We have 3 cats. So I pet whichever cat is in the vicinity. I watch a movie on my tablet. Or if a nice day I take a walk and listen to classical music. Sometimes if I’m up to it, I’ll take myself to a cafe and sip a soda or have a small meal. Even if I’m the only one alone at a table, I don’t care... I have a good book with me.
I know I’m babbling a bit in this post... it’s just part of positively getting through my day.
Thanks for your reply. I’m very sorry to hear about your layoff , I hope you are able to find to find a job soon.
I like your ideas about dealing with anxiety and depression. Going for a walk, stopping at a cafe, reading, or listening to music. I also have a cat, however she’s 16 but she has kidney disease. So I know inevitably I will lose her, which is difficult to think about because she’s my last pet and is all I have.
I’m also very worried about getting older and not having someone to care for me. I do have a half sister but we weren’t raised together. She’s 16 years younger than me and lives in another state, close to her sisters. We just never developed that sibling bond.
So I look in the mirror and see a man who is getting older, is lonely, depressed and anxious. What’s going to become of me is often a thought that runs through my head, and to be honest it scares me.
Atleast you have someone in your life, someone to love and care for. Even if he is often busy.
Just to add. When my girlfriend Kathy was alive (she passed 8 years ago) I felt so happy that I found someone. Even though I was depressed and had anxiety then, it wasn’t nearly as intense, we supported each other and did so many things together. I felt so lucky to have her in my life, we were together nearly 9 years. I miss her so much. I had a life back then. We all need someone
Take some solace that you have someone in your daily life that is worth missing, MZ, and don't even neglect to give him the love, comfort and respect he deserves when he is around.
I haven't had a woman in my life for over 5 years and it's NO FUN being alone. That's a fact. I have friends that are also gay and single for a long time that sure enough have exactly the same feelings about being alone becasue no-one sems to have any respect for long-term committed relationships anymore.
Being alone is lonely, and it's not easy to find someone that is well rounded, on point and respectful. That's a natural fact no matter the gender or orientation. So really, sit with that and smile for a little while. You're miles ahead in the love category, and I'm happy you are. For God's sake, ME NEXT! lol I would very much like to have love in my home too!
For real Zee. Soak in the gratitude. We all need gratitude in our lives, or we're emotionally bankrupt. Please, don't let that happen to you!
I dearly hope you find someone special and experience love to share. Yes, I’m in a long term relationship, but like any relationship it has its fare share of challenges.
I do feel fortunate to have a significant other, but still I have my depression and esteem challenges. Hubby is a great guy but he isn’t enough when it comes to my social anxiety. That is I’m hoping to have more people/friends in my life other than just relying on hubby for that.
Yes exactly, being alone is lonely. I was lucky I had a wonderful, smart woman and we did so many things together. Yes I can say I experienced deep love and respect, but most of all the happiness I thought would never end. I was depressed and had anxiety but i also knew I had someone who understood, you see she had the same issues to.We helped each other. But in the end I couldn’t help her, she got sick and all I could do was watch as she became weaker and eventually succumbed to her illness. We wanted to grow old together, we had plans, but forever didn’t last very long.
In the end all I could do was sit at her bedside as morphine was being pumped into her bloodstream. She died from sepsis and organ failure. My belief in God is nearly non existent. She’s gone and that’s that.
So now I’m 53, alone and scared. I haven’t met anyone in 8 years and have only half heartedly tried. I’m broken, and tired of fighting. In the end my depression and anxiety may win out. I’m sorry because so many wonderful people on this sit here have offered their insight and suggestions to better myself. But in the end I haven’t done anything. Thank you for your help.
There is a lot of wisdom and kind advice here. You don’t need to do this alone even though it’s hard to not feel alone. There are so many people who can relate to you. I know that therapy and meds have helped me muster through difficult days. Don’t get stuck in the past, it can drag you down. Try to look forward as hard as it is. Sometimes support and encouragement can come from unexpected places. I’ve learned that “family” can be people who aren’t related to you. Surround yourself with supportive folks. Don’t abandon your passion for photography. Running a business isn’t for everyone. Try working for someone else. A friend of mine is a photographer and works for someone and loves it. You might also consider taking a “class” in photography where you would meet like minded people and gain insight and advice.
Keep coming here and keep talking to us, 'bug. That's first and foremost! Okay?
I found this young lady (see end of post for the link) particularly inspiring, and can really relate to huge portions of what she is talking about. There are plenty of differences in events and availability of support this (VERY) young lady and I have had, which does make me sad, but whatever. She's telling huge parts of my own story and some of the help she has gotten, and the results of that help.
Granted, as I said, it is help that has never been afforded me in 50 years, and maybe I'm beyond help because I'm too old for it to pay off much before I expire, but at least it MIGHT be getting better for future generations.
Above all else, keep coming 'round here, 'bug, because you are NOT alone in your struggle, it's just none of us wall flowers have a big multinational conglomerate with lots of money backing us, so of COURSE we are never heard. WE STAY HOME WHERE IT'S SAFE! lol
Very interesting what this young woman had to say. Wow I couldn’t imagine being that smart and taking college classes at 16!! No, I was just lazy in school, I got very mediocre grades. What I remember back having a difficult time understanding assignments, I would get frustrated and just shut down. I would day dream a lot and couldn’t wait for school to end.
I’m certainly nothing like this smart, articulate young woman. I did graduate HS, a small miracle. But I wasn’t prepared to be successful and my self esteem was non existent. The term used in the early 80’s for kids like me was slacker. Teachers were of little help, they just made sure students like me passed. And now I’m paying for it.
The reason I included it is because you had mentioned the lack of business savvy as being an obstical. Oh, how I can relate. Perhaps help can be found, but it's a tough job finding people who don't have sticky fingers, and thus, hard to protect one's assetts even for the most shrewd business savvy people, so what of those that are just skilled? Sure, we get rolled over far too often.
I'm glad you enjoyed the presentation. It might be worth a second look if you think it may elude to some possible solutions for you. If it does, PLEASE, tell me what you found! I'd happily do the same if I found the solution to keeping financial sharks at bay.
There is so much beurocracy in running even a small business, there is no way to get any REAL work done aside from shuffling paperwork, and that's a frustrating fact for most, hence the reason all of the small family businesses are already long gone the way of extinction.
Thanks. I wish I had that drive that some people have to be successful. And not only that but the confidence as well. My anxiety always gets in the way. I always had social anxiety and I think since that was untreated it lead to generalized anxiety disorder. I found it hard to interact with people, I would get nervous and would worry that people would notice. And I’m always afraid of failure. So running a successful photography business just isn’t possible with me. But I continue to take pictures, especially street or urban photography. I post on Instagram and I enjoy that.
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I'd happily do the same if I found the solution to keeping financial sharks at bay.
I can’t make it stop. 
Not sure what to make of it...
Get it off my chest 
I can’t take it 
