Newbie here!

[Ww82]

Depression & Anxiety are my main afflictions and today I've been pretty down on myself, my appearance. Really felt the need for support but didn't want to bring anyone down because I feel like sometimes all I do is be negative, thus the online search which brought me here. My husband sweetly offered to take my daughter and I on a much needed getaway for one night and to a water park next month which I know my daughter will love but instead of being happy all I can think about is how I'm going to feel comparing myself to all the skinny girls in bikinis. I'm overweight to the point that I may not be able to get on some of the rides and I have a bathing suit but I'm terrified at the thought of being stared at and ridiculed. I hate feeling this way and wished I didn't give a hoot what other people thought about me and I know this isn't the reaction my hubby was expecting, which makes me feel even worse, but I can't help it. I had two accidents which left me bedridden for several months at a time and I had to learn to walk again. I am now overweight and suspect I have insulin resistance so it's twice as hard to lose weight as it is for the average individual. At any rate, I have gone through period and of acceptance and self love only to end right back here, hating myself and my body and wishing things were different. People judge when they see you and they have no idea what a persons been through or what all they've tried, almost everything, except surgery to lose weight.

[Raecole81]

Oh man, this sounds like me. I'm overweight, unable to lose it easily and I wonder how often people talk about me behind my back.

I have to remind myself that it'll be okay. That I shouldn't give a rats ass what someone else thinks. Hell, if these skinny girls (no offense meant to anyone) can wander around with all their goods hanging out, why can't we go out in a bathing suit, too?

You got this. Tell your husband you're upset, I bet he loves you enough to reassure you how awesome and beautiful you really are. Don't stress about what the other girls think, have fun and enjoy the much needed getaway!

Also! Buy a pair of shorts and wear a t-shirt if the bathing suit is too hard.

❤

[Ww82 in reply to Raecole81]

My self esteem issues go way back. Even when I was skinny, I was handed a note in school in 6th grade telling me I was ugly and when people kept telling me I finally just said "I know" so they would stop. Now that I'm 36 years old and have the weight issue as well it's worse, especially since my father came to the house one day, saw an old photo of me and asked "Who's that?" Girl, that day I fell down the black hole as I call it, you know the one, the black hole of negativity. Anyhoo, thank you so much for your encouraging words. ❤️

[Raecole81 in reply to Ww82]

Yup. So very familiar with that hole. I've never been "skinny" so I've struggled my whole life. I've always been told, "if you lost some weight, you'd be so beautiful."

Easier said than done, but forget em. At least, I always try to.

[Ww82 in reply to Raecole81]

O M to the G! I can't tell you how mad that comment makes me or how about "You're pretty...FOR A BIG GIRL!" Uggghhh! Like put the shut to the up, since when does beauty equal the number on a scale?! Anyway it is the world we live in sadly. Ignorance abounds and bullies raise bullies, it's a vicious cycle. But yeah forget them right? If somebody looks at me crazy I'll just wave and be like "Heyyyy your daddy said thank you for letting us borrow your room last night!" 😂

[Raecole81 in reply to Ww82]

Rofl! I'll have to remember that. That's an awesome comeback. Bwaha!

[Sew4mary]

Stop thinking about your body and focus on the happiness you can give your child and your husband. By giving you will grow into the happiness you want. But you have to make the effort and leave your old destructive thoughts behind. You can not heal or lose weight by focusing on what other people think. You can not possibly know what they think. You are making it up in your own mind. And your thoughts are destructive for you and your family. You must act like a winner to be one. Put on your suit and go.

[Ww82 in reply to Sew4mary]

Twice since he told me about the plan, I've gone into a panic attack thinking about it and I absolutely hate that. The water park used to be one of my favorite places to go. I see the looks I get when we go places and see people laugh and whisper and give sideways glances. You're right, I don't know everything they're thinking but one can only imagine. We went to Six Flags one year and I didn't fit in one of the rides and now I'm embarrassed even typing that. Well I fit in the seat but the seat belt couldn't fasten and it was a very tight squeeze.

[AZ1970]

As someone who is very overweight, I can relate. Swim suits are the worst. My kids are now 17 and 20. I wish I would have taken advantage of fun times and not been so worried about what I look like. I promise people think of us much less often than we think they do. I know the critic inside your head is very strong. I would like to challenge you on something. This critic we all carry around is left over from all the mean and invalidating people in our lives. Are you going to let them rob you, your husband and most importantly your daughter of a fun time and a memory?

[Ww82 in reply to AZ1970]

Yes, my inner critic is strong. When I get out of the shower sometimes I look in the mirror and am so disgusted with my body, tears stream down my face and I'm actually crying now as I type. I do not want to allow the critic (aka mean people) that power over my life, especially when it starts affecting my innocent nine year old gift from God. Sometimes I feel like who cares what happens to me but at least don't let these diseases touch her, she's done nothing to deserve this.

[AZ1970 in reply to Ww82]

Your pain comes through so strong through your writing. Being overweight is an unpardonable sin in our society. People are able to tolerate other challenges people face. I hope you can find your self love and most of all self compassion. You could not control getting sick. Much of this has been out of your control. What would you say to your daughter if she felt bad about herself? Say those things to you.