I'm a rather private person. This isn't easy for me to discuss, but I'm growing more concerned and am not sure what to do. I'm asking here because of a degree of anonymity it provides. I feel ashamed, embarrassed for my family to find out. When they're around I do my best to hide it, often saying things that make me sound stupid because I'd rather they think that, than to think I'm depressed. I don't want my wife and kids to think this is because of them. Without them, I'd be nothing.
I have been dealing with depression for years. I wouldn't describe myself as suicidal, though I sometimes do find myself wondering "what if". I've seen my primary care physician several times and he has prescribed various medications, all of which have left me feeling no change or worse with various dosage increases. I've stopped taking the medications, as I feel they make me feel more tired or sleepless than usual. My motivation is difficult to muster.
I realize I need some kind of help. At the same time, I feel too awkward and ashamed to speak with anyone about this in person.
I am an EMT. I know this can affect anyone, regardless of who or what they are. When I'm responding to calls, nothing else exists. My focus is on the scene/patient and I have no issues. Yes, I've had difficult calls with difficult outcomes. Most of which I remain numb to. But this feeling far precedes my becoming an EMT. Which also ads shame because I feel like I'm supposed to be this "rock" for others to rely on, but even though I'm proud of my work and that I'm helping others, I feel like such a fake.
I feel an unshakeable, sinking "weight" in my chest that some days feels so heavy that all I want to do is cry, but tears never come. I should add that I would never submit to suicide. My wife and kids are far too important to me and I would never want to put them through that. But sometimes this feeling is absolutely crippling.
I've tried many things to deal with this on my own. Changing my diet. Exercise. Fresh air. Tried picking up various hobbies only to lose interest quickly.
This has been extremely difficult to write, and I'm trembling at the thought of posting this for anyone to see. But any advice would be appreciated. Short of seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist or taking more pills (I hate the act of swallowing pills).