Hello?

[SLP353670]

I am so tired of lying.

I have been holed up in my room for 11 days. Today is the first day I have actually stayed out of my bedroom for almost the entire day. I am new to this. I am 48, my name is Sherry. I have had this curse all of my adult life. The meds are not working. I pop Zoloft like it's candy. I have been to the ER twice to get my stomach pumped from trying to overdose on sleeping pills. I have slit my wrists but was saved. WTF?! I am sick of this feeling, sick of putting on the armour and pretending that everything is sunshine and rainbows. I can pull it off for a while, but eventually, the armour gets really heavy and stifling. I go through episodes where I can't leave my bedroom. I do fight it and push myself, but in the end the darkness wins. I get stuck in the "pit," my anxiety reaches 1,000 and I get stuck. I can't tell you how many times I have lost a job due to this curse. I lie and state that I am sick with a virus or that I had a death in the family or some other BS. You can't call in a mental health day because that does not exist. I just lost my job this week. My 28 year old daughter lives with me and I feel awful about her seeing me this way, but she does not judge and she is supportive. I am very thankful for that. Besides her, I have no one else. I have tried to reach out to people that I thought were friends. They taught me that most of society does not care, refuse to understand, and believe that it just sadness and if I just keep busy "It" will go away. Oh, here's another one, "You just want attention." No asswipe, Just trying to get my head straight before I try again. I actually had a friend tell me that he couldn't handle it and walk out. He actually told me that the only people who should suffer from A&D are POW's. Again, WTF?! So, I keep to myself, I no longer have friends and only acquaintances. I am tired of the pain and of crying. I hate being this way. I have known my whole life that I will not make it to old age. I will never see 60. Do you know how upsetting it is to wake up every morning? There's nothing, absolutely nothing normal about that. But, it's how I feel. I have no life ahead of me, only death. I hate this life. This society suuucks! A&D is taking lives, children are dying in schools and we are all hooked on pills. But, thoughts and prayers, right?

It feels good opening up, even if no one is listening or reading. Thanks.

[Stilltrying_]

I get where you are coming from, though many will not. It is a horrible vicious circle we can be in with this. I am just sharing what a psychologist said to me today and it may not resonate but she said that i don't really show feelings. Despair is not a feeling but a defence mechanism, hopelessness and suicidal feelings are defence mechanisms rather than feelings. The feelings are sadness, grief, anger etc.

I don't know exactly what to say to you because I am stuck in a similar thing. I am not exactly fond of this life to say the least and I have experienced so much inner pain it is beyond belief. Sometimes just taking a break and getting to the real root (if there is one) can help bring about a little calm.

I am sure that just writing on here has helped you too.

As I said unfortunately I do understand all too well. It is very hard not to tell people when you are in such horrendous pain but the brutal reality is that many will self protect and will move away from you and then you will feel even worse. I get in this trap and then I start lying and it is horrible lying because you are completely lying about how you fundamentally feel and it doesn't feel right but it is probably better to be like that with many people as you will keep their friendship that way. Maybe decide where you are going to express the extent of your distress (eg on here) and where not in order to salvage the relationship.

I don't have any easy answers and won't judge you whatever you do. Other people feel like they have failed when someone takes their own life which is why they will never recommend it. Can you imagine suggesting to another person that they do what you are thinking of doing? You would never say that would you because you wouldn't want to encourage them and this is how others feel. At the end of the day you know how you feel and what you need. I still don't believe that many of us actually want to die. I believe we seek peace from our pain and it's still worth exploring other avenues to see if you can get some peace without resorting to that solution. But no matter what I do understand your pain

I agree some of it is about the terrible society we live in but there are always pockets and corners of "normality" and "beauty" or even just "nor horrible" if we seek them out.Maybe just try and focus on very small and nice things, that's all we can do. If we think of society yes its either gone crazy or has always been. I think there's a lot more mental illness at the moment and it's all been a bit mad but there are "normal" places you need to find.

I hope this helps and I will never judge. That is the best thing that was said to me over how I'm feeling and I hope it helps you too. ie don't feel bad for feeling bad. You have probably fought more than anyone could ever know and still do and believe me the battles are ruthless and horrible; I get you.

Gemma xx

[SLP353670 in reply to Stilltrying_]

You are an angel! Thank you! I appreciate you so much!

[Fearoffear]

I'm listening...... I get it I'm 44 with A&D most of my life. I have 4 kids 2 boys 19 & 25 with severe disabilities and 2 girls 21 & 12. My 21 year old treats me like an obligation but takes, takes, takes. My 12 year old is A&D with mood disorder. I pay my husband and my 21 year old daughter to take care of my boys hygienic needs and they are so lax and mean with the boys I get angry. So now I am seriously looking (never thought it would come to this) at nursing homes. I am trying to leave my husband. I lost my mom and my best friend was murdered 2 weeks apart 7 years ago. I have no friends, no family except my kids. If you read through all of that I appreciate you! Please know you are not the only one to get handed a shitty card, but we can stick by each other and give support when needed. I feel my life will be over when I get my kids situated into their new home.

[SLP353670 in reply to Fearoffear]

You make me wanna kick everybody's ass! It sucks that people suck, especially family. Thank you for reaching out to me and for sharing with me. This means the world to me. I don't know about you, but when someone is successful in leaving this world, why is everyone shocked and sad? How self involved are you that you couldn't see the signs? But yet, the person whom is no longer among us is "selfish" for releasing themselves from this world. That has always pissed me off. That just shows how most people have zero clue. And you want to know what's crazy? These same jackasses, still are ignorant. I feel that most humans are just too busy using other humans and are not capable to see beyond their noses.

You don't have any friends? You do now. I hope.

[AnxiousHeart14]

Here for you xx