I need help.

[rsucci2016]

in 2016 I had a very traumitizing experience that ended with me losing my son. I kind of blocked away any feeling about it when ever i was in front of anyone and then cry myself to where i cant breathe. I became pregnant shortly after and it felt like my son came back to me.. I had another traumitizing birth experience. After 2mos of being in 2 different nicus 1 of which my son passed away in my newborn was able to come home. since hes aged in his face i can barely pick him up i hold him and cry. Im so paranoid i have cameras in my childrens room. and lately I havnt been able to leave my house crowded areas have been making my heart race so hard it feels like my hearts going to pop i get dizzy and cant breathe. and i cant seem to calm unless i close my eyes and count.ive tried going to psychologist he prescribed me meds that made me violent and i couldnt go back because the office get crowded and i cant breathe.

[Agora1]

rsucci2016, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain of losing an infant. It does sound like in blocking the pain, you didn't allow yourself to grieve. Now the birth of your next child and it playing the same events is making your paranoid that history may repeat itself. That's not true rsucci. Each child and each birth is different. Because of your traumatized memories of what happened, you are experiencing PTSD. Unless you are treated for this, it will not allow you to get rid of your anxiety symptoms and enjoy this brand new life.

I was Agoraphobic for 5 years so I understand your fear of going out and being in crowded areas including the waiting room of someone who could help you. I was able to do phone therapy until I got myself out of the house once more. Also getting a last appointment for the day will help in not being in a crowded waiting room.

It sounds like in addition to therapy you may need to be on medication just for a short time. Don't allow one bad experience with a drug discourage you from trying others out there. It's a matter of the doctor finding the right drug and the right dose that will bring down these fears and symptoms you have.

I'm glad that you found this forum. I believe you will get the support and understanding that other mothers have experienced as well. We care on this forum. I think you need that TLC right now. xx

[rsucci2016 in reply to Agora1]

thank you. thats what i kept telling my self except both of my children were born with gram neg men.my son marcel passed and my my son jameson was able to beat the infection. ive been looking into psychologist and so far ive been unable to find one who will do sessions over the phone. its so frustrating as before i was able to cover it but now people are noticing that when i leave the house i look uncomfortable, I always stay close to home and have a hard time breathing until i get home. im a mother of 5 and Now i have more and mord family stopping by to check on us. i feel overwhelmed

[Agora1 in reply to rsucci2016]

rsucci, I can imagine how overwhelmed you must feel. Anyone who thinks being a mother is an easy stay at home job, does not understand the responsibility that comes with a 24/7 duty. Is it any wonder if you add health care issues to this, the anxiety goes off the wall. I know how difficult it is to find a therapist who will come into the home or use phone therapy. My therapist started by coming into my home when I was Agoraphobic. The Therapy included phone sessions in between. During that time I also found 2 psychologists who would be willing to drive with the patient and/or sit or walk outside.

They are far and few in between but a number of calls I made allowed me to find them. Another option was a therapy office who gave student psychologists ready to graduate a chance to go into patient's home. I had 2 young women who came to the house twice a week for 6 weeks in preparation of their dissertation , The charge was $20 for 50min session. They were phenomenal. Great personalities, fresh information from their recent schooling and the patience and kindness made me feel safe. I didn't want them to ever leave.

I'm telling you this only because there is always a way around problems if we don't give up. I am glad you have family support around you. Keep coming to the forum for understanding and support. We are here for you. xx

Let me know if you do find someone. I am in Chicago and still it was hard to find.