My weekend began well, I was excited and looking forward to hanging out with friends, eating good food and having a few drinks. My friend and I decided to celebrate Cinco de Mayo and went to a restuarant, crowded, loud, and they sat us right smack in the middle of the bus boys and waiters walk way and OMG what a nightmare. My anxiety immediately started acting up as they kept passing by me, my hearing became heighten, my throat began to close in and I couldn't eat anymore. Although I had a sip of my drink my brain took it as though I had, had a damn bottle. I felt disconnected, angry, annoyed, I wanted scream and run out. But I sat through it all, because I didnt want anyone to notice and I didn't want to ruin it for my friend.
Although the rest of the day went well I had set off the beast and my Sunday was a complete disaster. I had the worse brain fog, this pressure right in the middle of my chest and a huge knot in my stomach. I couldn't shake off this crap. The more I tried to ignore it the more it was present.
I am beyond frustrated. I am exhausted of pretending I'm ok. I am exhausted of planning for anxiety and not actually living. I am exhausted of making excuses. Everyone says I'm strong but I don't want to be strong, I want this pain to end.
I am desperately looking for recovery, for a solution. All I want is to sleep through this episode and waking up feeling normal, whatever that is.