Hiya everyone! My name is Brian and I recently became a part of this wonderful community. I thought I would share my whole story with everyone. I've already shared part of it in an earlier post and I may just briefly touch on it again here.
Ok, here it goes...
I was born in 1975 (making me 42 at the moment, my birthday is fast approaching though lol) in Washington, DC. I didn't have many of the family problems a lot of people face. My parents stayed together until my dad passed away in 2013. We had a fairly stable home life. Despite that, I struggled from very early on. I had crippling anxiety from the time I was at least 5 years old. My earliest memory was attending a parent/teacher conference day at school when I was in kindergarten. A female classmate walked up and said hi to me, and all I did was hide behind my mother. I was petrified. I grew up with that all-consuming fear and as time went on, it did not get better. My sister was born not long before my eighth birthday and all of a sudden I went into another tailspin. I didn't find out what it was until I was 17, but I became more and more depressed. I still did activities and the like. I swam competitively on and off until I was 17. I played T-Ball first then graduated into baseball. In swimming, all I wanted to do was have fun. I love being in the water and somehow am a natural at it. But my attitude clashed with my teammate's competitiveness. There were many shouting matches between me and many of my teammates. Baseball wasn't much fun either. I found out that I lack the hand-eye coordination needed. Also I was always terrified that the pitcher was aiming deliberately at my knees. I wound up playing the outfield, which bored me senseless. When I got into high school, things just got worse. I played football my freshman year, playing on the defensive line. My 'teammates' constantly threw dirt in my eyes, low-blowed me and made life sheer hell. The coaches just encouraged the behavior. I was starting to spiral out of control at this point. Mind you, during this time I didn't get into alcohol or illegal drugs. I had a very good deterrent for that: my parents. They were both federal government employees (my father was federal law enforcement). If they had caught me, I wouldn't have been put in jail, I would've been buried under the jail! lol But....I knew I acted goofy in school. Some would say weird. Thinking back on it, I never understood why I did act goofy. Finally, things came to a head midway through my junior year. I had an extreme rage episode where I put holes in walls, swore at anyone in range until it sounded like gibberish, and wanted to flee before I finally fell into a head and just cried until I couldn't cry anymore. That was when my parents decided I needed to see someone. I was diagnosed with severe depression shortly after that. By that November, I had tried to commit suicide. I was institutionalized. Now, in due fairness, I had nothing against the staff of the hospital I was placed into, but they didn't know how to treat depression. It was mainly a teen substance abuse facility. They just happened to deal with mental illness too. By the time I was released shortly after Thanksgiving, I felt that I was worse off than when I had gone in. The meds they gave me made me feel like I had 20 pound weights strapped to my extremities. I was on Lithium, and I was dealing with the 'Lithium coma'. While was I in school, I was also bullied by the boys and verbally/emotionally abused by the girls. It was definitely a recipe for disaster. As I entered my 20s, I drifted. My anxiety and depression was such that I just wanted to hide from the rest of the world. I tried community college, but that died a quick, painless death. I didn't know which direction I wanted my life to go or how to overcome the fears and depressions that dragged me deeper and deeper into that pit. I tried counseling at the time, but the therapists I saw were useless. Back in the 1990's, Virginia didn't exactly have the best mental health care apparatus. lol Before I left Virginia in 2005, I was a virtual wreck. I had gotten absorbed in the whole Instant Messenger craze that was going on in the late 90's/early 2000's. By the time I moved, I had gotten so burned out from talking to others, I needed to withdraw in on myself just to recover from that, for lack of a better word, addiction. It wasn't until 2007 that my life finally began to turn the corner. I decided to try therapy again. I got really lucky because the mental health care here where I live now is phenomenal. I also started taking meds again. I'm not saying that I'm on an ideal cocktail of meds now, but for the first time since I was a kid, my mood has actually stabilized. But the meds can't take all the credit. I started going therapy groups as well, listening to everyone else and the problems they were going through really was an eye-opener. For the first time, I didn't feel like I was all alone in this. But, as all stories, nothing's perfect. lol I still have my bad days and days when I feel like I just can't cope. We all have days like that. I've never been a person who gets 'up'. I don't have an 'up'. lol When I don't feel depressed, that's as 'up' as I get. lol In 2014, a year after my father had passed, I had a sort of mental epiphany. I had been holding on to so much resentment and anger stemming from the abuse I had endured when I was growing up. I was super-low. Suicidal thoughts were running fast and furious in my head. I couldn't stop crying. Then, the proverbial lightbulb went on. I realized that I had been carrying all this emotional baggage for so long when my tormentors from the past probably didn't even remember me! They probably didn't even remember my name! Why was I still holding on to all that hurt, resentment and anger for? What good was it doing me? Then and there, I just let it go. Decades of hurt, anger, helplessness and shame....gone in an instant. Now, some small amount still remains, but the majority of it left me that day. It was like the world was taken off my shoulders. Slowly, gradually, I've been rebuilding my confidence and self-esteem. It's not something that'll happen overnight. Healing, real healing, takes time. It's something that you can't rush. Today, I don't feel quite as anxious (though I'm still very scared of women but hey, I'm working on that lol), my depression isn't nearly as bad as it once was, and I finally started tackling my decades-old weight problem (last time I was weighed, I was 427 lbs. and I'm not ashamed to admit it!) I've started to feel comfortable in my own skin, and when I look in the mirror, I don't hate what I see. I'm not to the point where I like what I see either, but I'm starting to see one or two good things about me. Hey, it's a work in progress. lol
Now, some of you may be asking: "How did you get to that place and how can I get there too?"
Well, here are some things I've learned along the way in my 42 years on this planet. Mind you, not everything will work for everybody. You have to find what works for you and stick to it!
1) Let it go! --- We all have probably been hurt by someone (or a group of people) at some point in our lives. That kind of pain isn't easily gotten rid of. But, you need to ask yourself one simple question: 'How am I benefiting from holding onto this pain?' What do you gain from holding on to it? Emotional suffering, internal torment and constant rage aren't exactly benefits. And yes, I know certain forms of abuse (for example, sexual abuse) are not exactly easy to get over. But, if you truly want to move on and move forward with life, you have to let that pain go. Holding onto it only makes forming new relationships, having new life experiences and handling the simple day to day activities that much harder. I know letting go won't be easy, and you have to be ready to take that step, but when you let the pain go, you'll feel the weight of the world will lifted from you.
2) Radical acceptance! --- One of the oldest saying is: 'Life isn't fair'. That's a fairly accurate saying. Bad things shouldn't happen to good people, but they do. No one deserves to be hurt, but we are. No one deserves to suffer like this, yet we do. This has only happened recently for me, but I've learned from a skills group I've been taking that radically accepting everything life throws our way, good or bad, makes coping easier. It can't be that simple...can it? Let's face facts: life can be pretty crappy at times. It can even throw you a curveball or two (or three or even four!) There are some things in life we just can't control. Accepting life as it comes gives you a sort of peace that I myself never thought possible. I accept the fact that I have anxiety and depression. I accept the fact that I'm gonna have bad days. I accept that there will be days I won't want to leave my bed. But I also accept that there is good in this world. I accept that I can get through this. I accept that I'm doing the best I can everyday. And I accept everyone for who they are, no matter what the circumstances are. Perhaps it is that simple. 
3) Move forward! --- All too often, I have lived in the past. Dwelling on past mistakes. Hurting from past abuses. Thinking about what might have been. It's like being in a car with no wheels...You're not gonna go anywhere. Finding the courage to put past pains behind you is not easy. I've only got there myself. I'll repeat a quote here that I posted earlier this week: "Courage does not always roar...Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'" Making peace with the past is difficult, but not impossible. All you need is a little faith in yourself.
4) Circle the wagons! --- One of the most important points I'd like to make is surround yourself with people who care about you and impact your life in a positive way. Whether it's family members, your health support team, some good friends or even positive people in a support group! Negative people can only bring you down, erode your self-esteem and self-confidence, and negatively impact your worldview. Having supportive people in your life is essential! We all have times when our self-esteem takes a hit. It's those supportive friends that can prop us up when we're feeling low. We'll also likely have to return the favor at some point as well! There's no better feeling than being there for someone who needs a friendly smile!
5) Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard! --- Getting help can probably be best thing you can do. Depression and anxiety some terrifying beasts! Friends and family can only do so much. Having a therapist you respect in your corner can give you a unique perspective on how to combat those nasty beasties! Also, with all the new meds coming out, they can help you find the ones that will work best for you. It won't all at once and there will definitely be trial and error involved, but finding those meds that can stabilize or even improve your mood can be a real blessing.
6) Never give up! Never surrender! --- That sounds so easy, doesn't it? No matter how bad things may seem or how hopeless the situation may feel, you are not alone in this! Just by being here and reading this, you're fighting back! You're choosing to start on that path to feeling better! There will be bumps along the way. Hurdles to get over. You can do it! And you don't have to do it alone! Everyone here in this group will be there to help you get through this! I'll be here to help as well. All you have to do is ask
Well, that's the long and the short of my story (mainly long lol). I'm not saying I'm where I need to be, but I'm on that road now. I know there's a lot of work left to do and it's not going to be finished overnight. Everything is a work in progress. If I can get off the canvas after getting an uppercut from depression, so can you! I still have suicidal thought. I'll probably have them for the rest of my life. But, after having given up and given in to depression and anxiety for so long, I've chosen to fight! Whether I win or lose, who can say. But I'm going to fight with everything I've got until I can't fight anymore. Then, I'm gonna keep on fighting! I refuse to let anxiety and depression rule my life anymore! I know I'm not alone in this. And neither are you! YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU'RE WORTH IT! AND YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT ALONE!
Brian (bridder01)
Id like to share my story here *TRIGGER WARNING*
Really depressed, just want to talk to someone who understands
I'm ok at this moment. Trigger warning ⚠️ 
