Time to share...Redux: Hiya all! Brian... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Time to share...Redux

bridder01 profile image

Hiya all! Brian here again. Since I going through a lovely bout of insomnia, I was thinking about the post I shared earlier this evening. I noticed I left out a vital part of my story. After all, when one gets long-winded, one is bound to leave something out lol.

Ok....once more into the time machine....

Not long after my 12th birthday, all of the verbal/emotional abuse, the worsening depression (even though I didn't know it was depression at the time) and the overwhelming anxiety I felt finally took their toll. I hid. Literally. I shut myself in my room. I only came out for meals, to use the bathroom/take a bath/shower, and to go to school.

I hid. For four years. Think about it. Four long years. Until I was 16.

Quick question: What years are the most vital in a child's maturity?

Yep, you guessed it. Early adolescence. Between 12 and 17.

I hid. I basically locked myself away to protect myself from all the things I couldn't cope with at the time.

While other guys and gals were starting to think about getting to the end of high school, noticing the opposite sex (or same sex as the case may be), going to parties and making normal teenage mistakes, I retreated into the past.

Now, there's an upside and a downside here. The upside is I was able to explore lots of topics and develop interests that would one day become very handy coping skills. I fell in love with old time radio (for those youngsters who don't know, Old Time Radio refers to the Golden Age of Radio from the early 1930's to the late 1950's), I learned to enjoy various forms of music, from classical to folk to traditional music from other countries. I even like bluegrass. Yeah, I said it. So sue me. lol Even though I struggle with ADHD, I became a voracious reader. I developed a love of history, of learning about different time periods. I became a fan of Star Trek (Original Series. Next Generation never caught my fancy.) I even tried my hand at model car building (it was a phase. Don't ask lol).

But there was one massive downside. All of those things that normal teenagers do, I missed it. Missed it all. I missed opportunities to improve my social interaction skills. I missed chances to stand up for myself and not tolerate the bullying. My social skills atrophied. The anxiety and depression possessed me and wrapped me in a cocoon for four years. By the time I had started to get out of hiding, the damage was done. Not irreparable, to be sure, but it was significant. Consider all the things I missed out on:

I've never had a first kiss

I've never been in a romantic relationship

I've never been hugged, or cuddled

I went to prom, but I was rendered catatonic by a massive panic attack

I've never held hands with a woman

I've never said 'I Love You' or had it said to me

Now, after reading all that, you're probably thinking that this could have gone one of two ways.

The first possibility: I suffer from a major psychosis. Or I've become a creepy person you try to avoid. Or I turned into a serial killer or serial rapist. Or some other horrifying prospect.

Then there's the second possibility: He's just plain nuts lol.

Well, the answer's a resounding NO on both counts lol.

Despite everything I've been through, all the abuse and anxiety and depression and even suicidal thoughts, I have hope.

Whoa, this guy is nuts......Can he really be on the level?

Yes, most of the verbal/emotional abuse I took was from girls/women, yet I'm not bitter. Or angry. Or vindictive. Or have a thirst for revenge. Quite the opposite. I respect and admire all women. Especially with all the stuff they put up with from us men. Just look at the news of the last 8-10 months. One sexual harrassment scandal after another. Then there's the media. They promote the idea of a 'perfect body type'. That you have to be weigh such and such and you have to look a certain way and like certain things. And society only reinforces it. Then there's cyberbullying. I don't which is worse, regular bullying or cyberbullying. Then you have domestic violence and sexual assault and rape.

Being a guy has definitely gotten to be a risky proposition.

In all honesty, if I have to engage in a conversation, I prefer talking to women. Women have such fascinating viewpoints and they can see things from a perspective that most guys wouldn't normally think about. I'm not saying I don't like talking to guys, but the average conversation can be a little dull for my taste, to be honest. Sports, cars, women and sexual escapades. Yeah, I'll pass. I'm not saying all guys are like that, but it's hard finding an interesting guy to talk to lol.

I respect and admire women. I especially like getting to know women who know how to be themselves. They don't try to pretend to be something they're not. They're candid and honest. They're comfortable just being themselves. To me, it's what on the inside that matters most. True beauty comes from within.

Oh, before I close this post out (yeah, another long winded ramble lol), there's a couple more things I'd like to share.

1) Have the right tools for the job! --- You're probably going: What the hell does that mean? I wonder that myself sometimes lol. What I mean, simply, is having the coping skills to get you through whatever life throws at you. Those skills depend on the individual. Having things that can help distract you, or give you faith, or help you get through the rough times is vital. For me, it's comedy. I truly believe that laughter is the best medicine. Yeah, I like comedy from the 40's and 50's, but that's just me. They're not just skills, they're tools. They won't fix the problem on a grand scale, but they can tweak it just enough so that you can begin to feel better sooner.

2) Striking a happy medium! --- Stress is something that can crank up anxiety way higher than it needs to be. This is where meditation and relaxation exercises can come in handy. Guided imagery has been a big help for me, and has helped me relax and decompress when I find my stress levels reaching the critical point. Soothing music also has been a life saver. If you find your anxiety and stress level are reaching the breaking point, try this little trick:

1) Get yourself to a place where you feel safe. Bedroom, shower, living room, doesn't matter. All that matters is that it's a place where you feel safe.

2) Close your eyes and take deep, slow breaths. Make sure you're sitting/lying in a comfortable position.

3) If you have music that comforts and soothes you, play it.

4) Focus on one thing that makes you happy or that makes you feel better. Use that thought as your anchor as you let all the overwhelming thoughts drift out of your mind.

5) Imagine a place that you would love to visit. Focus on every detail of the place in your mind's eye.

6) Walk yourself through that place. Take in every sight, every sound, every smell. Immerse yourself in that place.

Damn, another long winded post. I gotta stop doing this lol. I appreciate you taking the time to read this. I sincerely hope that everyone can take something positive from my story. If I've made someone's day a little brighter by sharing, then that's all I can ask for.

Now, about getting back to sleep....... ;)

Stay positive,

Brian (bridder01)

13 Replies

Hi some people are late developers and don't learn social skills when young for a variety of reasons. Ok I never locked myself away but I did miss out on lots of things I should have learnt whilst a child and young adult. The good news is that you can teach yourself as it's never too later to learn. It is harder when you get older but doable still. x

Thank you Brian, I just had to say you have absolutely made my day brighter. I'm sorry I had somehow missed seeing your posts, but have caught up and it's a pleasure to meet you.

bridder01 profile image
bridder01 in reply to Marz21

Pleasure to meet you too Marz! :) I'm glad it helped. If you ever need a pick-me-up, I'm here for ya :)

Brian :)

Marz21 profile image
Marz21 in reply to bridder01

Me for you too :)

Ahh, very good to know there is a fellow insomniac in here, lol. I have always had trouble sleeping. I know this plays a major role in my breaking points.

Thank you for sharing the rest of your story. And don't worry, when I grow the courage to share my entire story it will be just as lengthy.

I appreciate the ideas you have suggested here. One of my Grandmothers was a huge believer in meditation. She taught me at a very young age how to get to that relaxation point, so that my mind and body could heal. However, as I grew up and moved out and on to college, I forgot so much of what she had taught me. I have been successful in the last 2 months or so to remember her guidance and tips for meditation. Now I just turn Pandora onto the classical relaxation channel and let my mind become one with the music, and boom, I'm in a state that I can calmly evaluate what is triggering my anxiety on a daily basis.

It sounds to me that even though you may not have had those "firsts" when you were a teenager, you are in a place now that you can start exploring those things. Just keep thinking like you have been yesterday and today, and you'll be wherever you want to be with women, your daily life, and of course the future.

bridder01 profile image
bridder01 in reply to SM3805

The Road to Recovery begins with but a single step. When you're ready, I can't wait to hear your story :) If you ever need to vent or just wanna have a chat, I'm here for ya :)

Brian :)

SM3805 profile image
SM3805 in reply to bridder01

Thank you, and that door swings both ways!

bridder01 profile image
bridder01 in reply to SM3805

I'll keep that in mind :)

Honestly Brian, I keep saying you should write, really you should. Especially with all that you have gone through and how the world is today, it would really help someone out there. Even if it is one person. Hey, it is working for me....thank you!

Your posts are so inspiring. You seem so bright and excited about getting back up again after depression knocks you down! I’m just absolutely exhausted all the time. I could sleep at any moment & stay sleeping for prolonged periods of time. Hmm, I hope that’s not cruel to share when someone’s suffering from insomnia... I just really admire your energy, your humor, and you sharing your story with us! Be well, I’m not sure what time zone you’re in on the planet, but I hope you get/are getting a great nights sleep!

All the best to you,


Thanks Jules! :) Glad they could help. :)

As for Mr. Sandman, I slipped him a bribe....If he doesn't show....grrrrr lol



Like, real actual tears.

This was freaking beautiful & helpful & gives me hope into the male species.

I know, I'm months late to the party, but this post was so worth it.

Thank you for writing it. Thank you for being a wonderful human being.

You're amazing & my hat is off to you.


bridder01 profile image
bridder01 in reply to

No worries Kayla. The thing to remember is: It's the past. Can't do anything about it now. Keep your eyes to the future. That's what's worth looking at :)

Your friend,

Brian :)

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