want2give

[keepmovin]

Hi.First timer here. Anybody out there? Depression got a right good hold on me. New parapalegic.Last year. August. Was doing ok till insurance ie.therapy ran out. Am isolated and alone. Was moving forward to get my own transportation,etc but sinking into can,t get things done,more everyday.1st time last nite feel little scared.very strong person but slipping. have one 17yr old son here. Big help but i"will not"burden him with this.I don,t want to go down but i can,t get ahold of myself. Any good word would be appreciated. Anything.....

[b1b1b1]

You are in a tough situation. There are organizations for handicapped people. Also, is it possible for you to become active in a sport. That would be my best recommendation.

[keepmovin in reply to b1b1b1]

Thanks for answering. Yeah, i know theres all kinds of stuff out there. Was lining it all up but i,m fighting to just keep my carcus outa bed right now. Depression is a beast. Being in a wheelchair is nothing compared to how depressioni keeps you down on your damned knees whilst trying to bury you. It,s impossible for someone who hasn,t live dthru it to get it. Nothing against anybody. Thats just the hard truth. I hope I can stand up long enough to breathe again. Just talking like this helps. i gotta get better somehow so I can help others that are going thru what i,ve had to go thru. Need to morf my unique perspective into a beneficial tool.take care thomas

[Cathy63 in reply to keepmovin]

You're so right about it being impossible for someone who hasn't lived through something to get it. I think that goes for everything. I can think of things to write that help people with the things I've been through such as depression, anxiety, and divorce. I wish I could think of something that would help you feel better, but since I haven't experienced what you're going through, I can't seem to come up with any words. Are there any support groups in your area for people who are going through what you're going through? This is a great group, but sometimes it also helps to be with people.

[keepmovin in reply to Cathy63]

hi cathy. Thanks for saying hi. Yes there are groups but they are to far away for me to get there easily. Thats part of what i,m trying to keep up enuff umpf to get thru this wicked low spot. My son gets us to the grocery store etc. But hes full time hi school. Plus i live up in gods country, absolutely gorgeous but out in the sticks. Was an aspiring organic farmer. I,m working on getting a van(with hand controls)so I can get out there however as u probably know,when u don,t want to get out of bed its hard to make things happen. So...loosing my damned focus to. Just being able to communicate with u guys is the highlite of my day. thanks sooo much. Just so crazy alone.Waah,waah. I know. ....Things are a little on the tough side. Fighting this damned depression monster tooth and nail. Can,t wait to hear spring show up. Not being able to produce maple syrup for the first time in 17yrs is so tearing me up. It was my passion. Who i was in every way. Spring would have been here already in the middle of feb. in my world. "the trees"would have been waking up! Aaaah..enuff whining. Thanks for listening. I hope you have a funtastic day!thomas

[fauxartist]

hey, I'm glad your here...I am sorry you are feeling defeated lately...is there any caregiver in the loop with your case? Someone that you count on for getting you to appointments etc. It sounds like you got left in the lurch so to speak, maybe start making some contacts such as for others out there in similar positions....I know it's not easy to ask for help when you felt you were caring your own weight. But if you do have some sort of caregivers allowance system where you are...that would be an incentive to get a part time helper.

And just for back up, have you discussed your situation with your son, maybe they wouldn't mind filling in the gaps for you until you got other things set up to help in your life to meet your needs. I hear you don't want to burden him, but he may not see it that way if you asked. But if your not comfortable doing that, it's understandable too. Keep sharing and letting us know how your doing.

[keepmovin in reply to fauxartist]

Thanks for the comeback. I see you,ve been the divorce route also. Nasty shit ain,t it? I made it13yrs. Just had 6yr relationship also end. The human spirit is a very strong being. Even when it feels like it,s been ripped out of us it somehow remains. trick is to re find it and see if we can re embrace it and let it feel joy and happiness again. Sorry bout the monitary crap ur dealing with. Same going on here friend. They are merciless and smile your way only when they are gaining somehow. take care,thomas

[fauxartist in reply to keepmovin]

boy...kindred soul here...don't understand why some people delight in causing un-necessary pain to all those around them. Well...I do believe in Karma. Hope your okay, sounds like you have a much fuller plate than I do right now. There are kids and a roof to keep over their heads in my situation, but added health issues for now thankfully are not. And you certainly don't need to be going through trying to put your life back together and then some. I am always here, sometimes it takes a bit for me to get back...but I'll catch up if you want to bend an ear. I know how hard it can be when your trying to care for others and still have to go through your own shit as well. This is a great group of people here, I have found a lot of kindness and care.

[keepmovin]

Nice. Be talking to you.Thanks.thomas

[b1b1b1]

Am wondering how you became a paraplegic. You don't have to answer if you don't want to. It is a very tough situation you are in. I almost think it would be abnormal if you weren't depressed. I am in the US. Where are you.? Will you be able to get prosthetic legs, or is this not possible in your situation. I also think the physical recovery period for your injury is quite long. I am just guessing, but I would think at least a year. xx

[keepmovin in reply to b1b1b1]

Went flying of the damned roof. Face first down an 11' metal roof panel then 8' to the ground. Tryd to flip but came down on my shoulders and accordianed in the middle. That popped my t12 verebrae. Story over. Brain can,t talk to my legs so they don,t work. Crazy thing thing is was the least dangerous part of the house. Had finished rest of the house. 24' panels 30' up. Providence is a stern teacher. Yes depression is normal for this sort of thing. I am an extremely tough person when it comes to physical and mental fortitude but this depression thing caught me totally unawares. No idea it exsisted. Ie.if you ain,t been thru it you can,t understand it. having to be a wheelchair jockey is something one can adapt to and overcome but no amount of fortitude can slap down the depression monkey once he gets his teeth in you.Prosthetic legs arn,t an option unless i cut off my legs! Probably not a good idea! Yes physical recovery(new body getting used to itself)is a years thing. plus the $ part is not worth talking about. Especially me w/o insurance anymore. Medicare wants to put a lien on my place in order to continue coverage. Might as well give them my balls in a jar. By the way , is anyone out there versed in real estate law? I,m pretty sure i,d be screwed with a lien on the place when i sell it. Hmmmm, your health(no doctors or neccessary medicine cause no insurance) vs a lien on your dreams or chance to survive as aself supporting member of society. Seems like the system forces you to become over needy on the system. I don,t like addictive drugs. Wow! I think this is working a little! Gonna get off my milkcrate now! Thanks for letting this dingdong vent!

[b1b1b1]

You are very strong in a very difficult situation. I am not a medical person, so I will just mention what I have seen. I do a lot of ice skating. At the rink where I go there is a handicapped team of men who play chair hockey. Most of these have lost both legs, fairly high up due to injuries in Iraq or Afghanistan. They have 2 prosthetic legs. The coach with 2 prosthetic legs is completely recovered. When he wears pants, you can not tell in any way that he is disabled. He drives, lifts things, walks, runs etc. and you cannot tell. Sometimes he wears shorts. I think he likes to show off his prostheses. He is pretty good looking & gets attention from the lady figure skaters. The other members of the team are newer and not fully recovered. Sometimes they fall because they have not quite mastered the balance on prosthetic legs. They are also a little shy. Everyone talks to them to try to make them feel at home at the rink. They all really enjoy the chair hockey. It is quite athletic and requires a good amount of upper body strength. I am in no way urging you to do this, as you must make your own decision, however, I personally think a goal of some kind of athletic activity at a fairly high level would help mentally and physically, when you are ready. I will completely understand if you disagree with my thoughts. That is OK. Also, feel free to rant as much as you want. Am also sending you a hug.

[keepmovin in reply to b1b1b1]

Thanks. Appreciate your compassion. I,m beyond(was)athletic. Had a saying for what i did fora good part of my life,"industrial athelete." Then farming after work and weekends. really miss being able to walk out in the woods for 1/2 the day. Thats how i used to recharge my invincibility. Struggling to find out how to do that with my new reality. I don,t care what happens, when the snow is finaly gone and it warms up enuff i,m gonna go as far as i can with the wheel chair, flop down and pull myself out there into the woods. I absolutely must get back out there to my pillared church. yep, i,ll have my phone with me. It,s gut wrenching to be able to see my forest all around me everyday and not be able to commune with it. Enuff. So you skate? just for pleasure? Hockey?Dance?Speed?latah

[b1b1b1]

PS. Had a few other thoughts. 1)can you do some weight lifting (starting gradually) for upper body strength. 2) I understand that you are not an injured veteran, however if you call some of the groups that deal with wounded veterans, such as wounded warriors, they might have some recommendations for resources that would be helpful for you. 3) There are rehabilitation hospitals all over the country for people with serious injuries. Maybe call a social worker at one of these and see if they can offer any help or resources. My husband was recently in one and the social workers were extremely nice. xx

[keepmovin in reply to b1b1b1]

Yeah, i do stretching and a little weight lifting for maintenance. Is a battle keeping the motivation up with my stupid depression issue. Tryn as hard as i can though. your idea sounds great. Just gotta stay clear enuff in the head long enuff to organize my getting some wheels. Thanks for caring and for the suggestions! tommorrow is another day. I hope to be able to get thru the haze and actually get something done.Thankyou so much.

[b1b1b1 in reply to keepmovin]

Depression is painful and difficult to deal with. You are doing a good job considering all that you are dealing with. I do figure skating, which I started as an adult. I enjoy it a lot & it is great exercise. Starting as an adult, though you can never be really good. Hopefully you can get to your pillared church as soon as possible.

[keepmovin in reply to b1b1b1]

figure skating,good for you! I,ve liked and watched it during the olympics. Take care and thanks for answering.thomas

[old-soul]

Perhaps, if you have the space, boarding a nursing or medical student while offering a rent reduction for services rendered could be a solution, but again, you have said that you're in God's country, so chances of a nearby university may be slim.

You know, we live in a world where huge institutions, owned and managed by wealth (including insurance companies) strongly encourage the working and lower classes to fear and be distrustful of one another, and to trust only these large institutions, who in reality know nothing of the people they serve, and who's only concern, even as a matter of corporate law, is to bring the highest possible profits to It's share-holders.

I, personally, have had a perfectly awful time with any advocacy services, because I end up having to deal with 3 times the paperwork to get anything done much of the time, and in the end, there is ALWAYS some snag as to why they can do nothing to help me improve my situation.

So, while I may not be confined to a wheel-chair, I know what it is to run up against dead ends over and over. In truth, I don't typically go out in public unless I can present well, as to do so otherwise is humiliating and not very productive, but when I do begin to form new friendships, it generally leads to my being verbally attacked for "not looking disabled" and a barrage of humiliating questions about what my disability is. WYD. REALLY? So much for any right to privacy where my medical records are concerned.

If you'd care to talk voice, I'd happily share my number with you via pm Thomas. I have not been on here much the last several days because I have been quite low, and add to the the fact that the carpal tunnel makes typing a great deal difficult at times. I suffered a great deal of physical abuse between the ages of 3 and 15, most of it occurring before age 9, and have cervical spine, shoulder and carpal tunnel trouble that I basically ignore, as well as ibs/diverticulosis, glaucoma and a bunch of other (curently) untreated physical health issues.

Nowadays, that sort of pain registers as no more than a sensation to me most of the time, unless it's severe enough to keep me bedridden. What really is tearing me down is precisely the same sort of frustration you describe. There is an old word for it. I can't quite remember it, but seem to recall it started with the letter "F" and ended in "uckery."

Hang in there pal. Feel free to message me any time if you wish.

[keepmovin in reply to old-soul]

"f"ery. Thanks for that. It made me chuckle for the first time in days! Yeah, i get the big institution thing. Been dealing with it(for my familys sake)for a long time. I had just escaped from it,s clutches(semi-retired 1 1/2 mnths b4 accident) and was getting the farm up to speed to cover the bills. Oh well! i was told in no uncertain terms to redirect my lifes efforts. If i don,t get buried by beaurocricy i want to help people who are similiar to me. Mentaly and physically. Been there done that, here,s what to expect and here,s my card if you need a friend who really cares. Gonna involve schooling ie.pschology and physical therapy. That is.......after i learn to spell again! Just gotta master this freak,in depression monkey. It so punches you back down everyday so that u can get nothing done. And like you said,dealing with the damned pain. I hate drugs so also just deal with or ignore it like you. I guess thats an old school trait. It,s sorely lacking nowadays. Heres the # to call if anyone is affended 000-0000. old soul i,m sorry that you,ve got so many more problems than me. It must be ruff. I respect your mental fortitude. Had a friend, accross the hall in rehab. Coma 9 months, two broken knees, quadrupil bypass, kidney transplant, and stage four liver cancer. He walked outa there aweek later usinga walker! After told me what he,d been through in his life, i pointed to my head and asked how do you handle that every day? He gave me a knowing smile and said it ain,t easy. told him i,ve got nothing to whine about. Thanks...you are my inspiration. You hang in there also my friend. Sorry i,m not ready to phone talk yet.

[old-soul in reply to keepmovin]

Ah, no need for apologies. Where there's a will, there's a way. You've got to at least get that sugar shack back into operation. The world needs maple.

I'm not all together sure about the mental fortitude thing. It's not a choice, It's plain haed-wired, which sometimes gives people the idea that I'm also a hard-boiled sob. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm a very friendly old grumpy sob. Some people just get upset when I talk about them, because when I DO talk about them, I tend to do so at the same time I happen to be talking TO them.

<shrug> No matter what a fellow does, one thing is for certain. There will ALWAYS be someone will ing to tell them they're doing it all wrong. Well, sometimes I AM doing it all wrong, but it really annoys me when people start trying to confuse me with facts.

Keep smiling, Thomas. It keeps the world wondering what in creation your up to.

Oh, and I know It's not entirely the same, but you could get out into the woods on a wheeler and then get off the beaten path on your own steam, couldn't you?