My daughter's being distant towards me is causing me great anieity and depression?? What to do?/

[Gene201876]

My 14-year-old lives presently with her grandfather as I work and my living arrangements are not conducive for her to go and come from school. However, I do see her over the weekend and she spends time with me on holidays and at any given opportunity. However, I have noticed she has changed and does not seem to want to spend time with me when I come over during the weekend. She seems distant and doing her own thing on computer. I told my dad to try to encourage her to spend more time with me when I come over during the weekend but she seems to loathe to. I asked her wether she wants s to be going out once a week and she does not seem bothered. She asked where? and I said anywhere of her choice but still no response. I then asked her is it anything I am doing wrong? She responded No! I even sent her a long text describing how I feel and how she has changed towards me. That we were close like a few months ago. I told her to tell me where I am going wrong? she said nothing.

I really don't know what to do? she seems close to my younger sister as she also lives with my dad, her grandfather. I don't know if this has anything to do with the fact that I had her young, at 16. Her father has never been part of her life nor does she know him or has even asked. I don't know because I am scared that she has some sort of hidden resentment and bottling it all up and not opening up to me. We initially all lived together. My mum her grandma and me in my flat but I was evicted due to the landlord want his property back way 2 years ago and that's when she went to stay with my dad and younger sister age 24. My sister and my daughter have always been close, they used to see holidays and weekends when she was living with me and my mum.

I then went to live in bed and breakfast and my daughter and I were still somewhat close as my dad used to drop her on Tuesday and I'd drop her on a Wednesday evening back at his because I had to go work. I would still also see her Saturday evening after work and then my dad would drop me back Sunday evening and still does. Where I am living now is like maisonette estate and far from bustop as it is in a dead end cul-de-sac.

My dad strongly feels that she should not live with me at the moment due to my working pattern (as I usually finish late) and he is not comfortable that she has to walk long walk from bus stop and the train station is not that near. He says that she is getting old and that I should let her focus on her GCSE's then she is free to come and go as she like from mines. That now she needs to focus...she said nothing towards that and seems ok with the situation as she had no objections

My mum found a place on the other side of London due to me moving and she had a stroke beforehand. She was admitted to hospital and released from the hospital back in August 2017. My daughter has not been close to my mum either due to the moving transitions and my mum moving to the other side of London in a small self-contain room where she has carers coming to help her and give her medication food and so forth.

Bottom line is my daughter has become more recluse towards me though she speaks to her grandma every day it is not the same as it was when we all together. I feel upset and like I have lost control...my daughter just seems distant...what can I do?? it is causing me great anxiety and depression...I feel like I am failing as a mother...where am I going wrong?/

[newhope]

It could be a number of things that your daughter is becoming distant. I work at a school so I can see everyday how kids react towards peers and their electronics. You are not failing as a parent but from what I’m hearing - she must have some internal situations of her own that she might not want to bring out. And because you are her mother - she might be scared to tell you so she is pushing you away. My sister is actually doing this same thing with my mom (gotten better) and they live in the same house! I am going to pray for you. I understand how frustrating and sad it can be when your loved ones push you away. I’m not a mother so I cannot relate to you on that level but I am dealing with this same thing with my little brother (12 years old). He is also very cold towards me. I can’t really give advice in this circumstance but know that I am right there with you. ❤️ Please feel free to message me if you ever need to vent in the moment. I’ve learned from experience it is better to vent to a trusted friend than do something that you will end up regretting. I see you - stay strong.

[Gene201876 in reply to newhope]

Thank you am glad I am not alone in this. Another thing that is bugging me is that I am suffering from agrophobia, depression and deep anxiety and my family thinking I am working more days than I am. I have reduced like 1-3 days a week at times it depends when there is work, not the Monday-Friday as I have to work Saturday because I am a silly security officer. It hurts that I say I have been to work when I have not, mostly at home on the internet trying to find other jobs and dreading to go into Retail Security shift.

Secondly, I came over the weekend and my dad her granddad had already told me that my daughter has been invited by the SEO Scholars Introductory Presentation. SEO Advance is a new secondary school 3-year work experience programme giving opportunities for high achieving pupils to participate in placements such as Corporate Law, Investment Banking, and Consulting. Leading to top universities Cambridge and so on. Since she received it my dad has been saying how she is brilliant that the land back home will be in her name and that she will be rich and be able to look after him. I said what about me? He ignored and said she got his brains...what is he trying to say? this is damaging subconsciously...

Though he may have been joking it is making me few lower in self-esteem as her mum...I already feel bad as I explained to you guys earlier...

Tell me you guys thoughts on this. good advice

[_Denise_]

Sounds like a 14yr old to me. I know I wasn't as close w my parents at that stage of life, its a transition from adolescent to adult. They feel like they know stuff, feel like you wont understand, & so on.... I know you must remember some of those feelings. She may have some issue but until she's ready to open up, you've just gotta be patient & keep trying. Take some time to remember yourself, the feelings, & thoughts from that time of your life then approach from a different angle.

My oldest is 18 & she started to really pull back last year. I know this heartache very well. I also know that we love our mothers, she will come back around.

[bantam12]

As a mum of 3 girls I can tell you it's normal for them to go through these phases, you need to take a step back and try not to push her into doing things, just be normal without trying to hard to win back her affection. Things will get better when she's ready.