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Anxiety and Depression Support
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My daughter gives me extreme anxiety

My oldest daughter is an adult now but still behaves like a teenager and constantly texts me when she needs money or food taken to her work place. She then never appreciates whenever i help her and makes me feel like its just my job to help her and just stop what I'm doing to help her. She makes me feel like she only cares about me when she needs me and then won't text me back until she needs me again. This really ups my anxiety and makes me feel like she doesn't care about me. I told her about my anxiety and how i found this group and she just shut me out and said she doesn't want to talk about it and that i was making her uncomfortable and told me to leave her alone. I really hate that she treats me like this and that makes my anxiety even worse.

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There are two letters, you put them together and they spell NO. As in, NO, I’m busy, find a way. NO, I’m not your doormat. NO, I won’t continue to enable your selfishness. It took me over 5 years to stop giving my brother money (thousands $$$ never paid back) and a place to live paying us NO rent. I finally pulled the plug in January. He doesn’t talk to me anymore (wow) but has a JOB he loves and supports himself and is FREE finally because I said (or rather screamed) NO!!!! We are both free now. All I did was keep him sick and stale and bad and dark and dumb. Pull the plug on your “help”.

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They call that tough love. I am trying to get my parents to see them helping me isn’t healthy. I am always returning money to them and they don’t like that I cook my own dinner and eat alone. I simply tell them they won’t be around forever and that I have to do these things by myself. It’s been like this the last twenty years with them. My mom says I am being mean but I don’t care I know what I have to do to survive.

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This sounds like a reversal of psychology and good for you for being strong like that!!!! How by the way are the social services and career hunt going? Hope that was okay to ask. You never know- you have had some small business stuff in the past , and there might also be some type of small business association near you to give you tips. Rootin' for you.

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Also- I do not know if they still do that- but there were some programs through career centers where people ( who did not have a degree) could get some financial assistance for taking courses or getting a degree. You go man!

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It is going slow. For me to be considered for a program I have to be in therapy. So I went for the intake appointment two weeks ago. My first appointment with the therapist isn’t until the middle of August. If I have learned one thing from being agoraphobic for fourteen years is patience. I am waiting for August.

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Wow, after all you did and with a job he loves he doesn't speak to you???? That doesn't make sense- should be just the opposite. Sounds like he might be ungrateful ( like you owed him) or that he is embarrassed.

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Yep. Both.

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Sorry about that. I imagine that sometimes when people are embarrassed they might "hide" so to speak. No excuse though.

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Stop running around after your kid, she has no respect for you. Put your foot down and don't do anymore for her.

Let her get on with things herself.

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Hi Rockbase, the other two commenters are right in what they say...I also read your other post. You are really having a very difficult time, and I'm very sorry, but Rock, if you do not want all this to go on you will have to really WANT TO do what it takes... Please do not say "Oh I can't do this" --and at least consider what I have to say... you really, really, and truly need HELP...professional help from a therapist... If nothing else, contact your dr for an appt. tell him or her about this and INSIST you really want or need help... You have allowed yourself (for reasons I am not judging) to become your 'child's' slave and are afraid to tell her NO.... but there are REASONS you have done this and until those REASONS are faced and dealt with, you won't solve this problem... because right now I don't think you have the courage to tell her NO... There is some kind of 'guilt' connection here. You sound like a good person but you need to be GOOD TO YOURSELF... Please don't say "I can't afford it" because something CAN be worked out... I wish you luck, love, and the very best. Please please seek help.

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Thank you so much for the advice. I think the guilt I feel is that she is my step daughter that I've raised since she was 4 and i let myself feel like I'm never going to be good enough to be her dad. Her "donor" has not spoken to her in about 10 years or more and i fear that if he would pop back into her life, she would just forget about that I've always been here for her and just forget about me. I just really need to get over that but my anxiety and depression don't make it easy. Thank you for taking time and reading my post, i appreciate it.

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I like the other posts also- you have nothing to feel guilty about- no one can buy someone else's respect or love. I hope you both get help for this so that you can grow out of these roles. They only cause resentment.

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How about this- next time she asks you for money- tell her you're not a bank and to go to one for a loan. Also asking you to bring food to her work??? What nerve. Does this person live with you as well?

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Hi I have to agree with the others. If you allow anyone even a member of your family to treat you like a doormat many will. You need to stop doing things for her but don't make excuses or let her emotionally blackmail you. You can just say it's not convenient and leave it at that. The more you run round after her the more she will expect and the less grateful she will be. x

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I don't know if this is helpful, but consider leaving your phone off when you think she might text. This is an easy way to begin to say no.

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It sounds like your daughter is not listening to what you are telling her. It is ok to set boundaries with her. She will most likely become angry and throw a fit, but she will get over it. Even if she doesn't, you won't be hostage to her demands. No wonder your anxiety is so high. I have a daughter with bipolar and a developmental delay. So she can be moody and immature as well. It was so hard to take steps to set boundaries with her because I felt like I was being a bad mom. But I am a better mom when she knows where my limits are. Allowing her to act out is not doing her any favors.

I hope things get easier. It is so hard with our children.

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Sorry your daughter treats you like this. I am not in the field, but it sounds like she has her own issues to work out. What would happen if you stopped sending her money and food- after all she does work? Perhaps she would stop being a "teenager" and she would get some help.

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