Trying to stay on target

[Hardlookcap]

I woke up feeling better than I have in a few weeks. I laid there thinking ... I wonder if I’m strong enough today to wash my hair... or go to the mall... or maybe out to dinner or to Walmart. Then all the thoughts of stuff I really NEED to do began seeping in. I halted them. I made it downstairs to let the dogs out.. was a little easier than the past but of course right when I was done I came back to my bed.

Goals today are : shave, wash my bedding, and watch a movie with my family downstairs this evening.

I feel “ok” right now but history proves it usually doesn’t last long and by the end of the day I feel exhausted like I ran a marathon. My goal today is to try to not think beyond just what my goals are. Here’s to hoping!

[Aliftimago]

That's a great attitude....good luck....even if you only accomplish a few of them goals it's a step in the right direction.....

[Hardlookcap in reply to Aliftimago]

Thank you for encouragement. I am really trying. Lately I go through so many different emotions a day and where the day goes is never predictable. I feel like by staying isolated that that’s me trying to take out as much unpredictableness as possible just to allow myself peace to get back on my feet maybe.

[Aliftimago in reply to Hardlookcap]

It does help with the anxiety factor....at least for me anyway.

[Hardlookcap in reply to Aliftimago]

Staying in the present is not something I’m very good at. Retraining a brain is difficult ... especially because I have a very defiant stubborn one lol. That’s my exercise for today though... staying in the present and working one by one to accomplish those goals.

[Agora1 in reply to Hardlookcap]

You'll be okay. You kind of sabotaged yourself this morning by thinking of all the things you could do that you got worn out just thinking of it and maybe a little anxious as well. What may work better (and it does for me) is have one goal in mind when it involves getting out. No pressure but to make it to one store. You may surprise yourself that on a good day you will feel like going a step further and make it to the post office. Don't push, your body will let you know how much it can handle before wanting to go home. It's all about accomplishing something no matter how small, no matter if in the house or outdoors. It's one of those good feelings of accomplishment and normalcy that will give you that high and boost your endorphin levels.

Enjoy the movie tonight with your family. You deserve it xx

[Hardlookcap in reply to Agora1]

Thanks Agora1... I caught myself doing it to myself before my eyes even opened and told myself to stop. Then I answered my phone (which never happens) and it was a job calling for an interview Monday. I sounded as normal as I could even tho I was drenched in sweat within 30 seconds. I scheduled the interview and wrote it down because I can’t remeber details when anxious. I am not revisiting the thought of that all again today, I figure I’ll try to think a little more in depth tomorrow. I took the bath I promised myself ... did half of the shaving of my goal and didn’t wash my hair (which wasn’t a goal today). I guess I can be satisfied with half. I have an overwhelming feeling to cry now that I’ve made it back to my bed but I decided to type to you instead. I’m not sad, and I’m ok with myself for only doing half, crying is literally just a reaction of this disorder and my body does it robotically. I can’t remember my second goal since hitting the anxiety phase so I have to go back and read what it was. Typing redirects my mind and i figure if I do that long enough, eventually my mind will conform to the habit of not getting off track. At least science says that’s how it works lol.

[Agora1 in reply to Hardlookcap]

I'm smiling to myself as I read your message. Washing my hair is a goal in itself for me. It's long, thick and takes a while to do. So I understand that, plus the fact that bathing and shampooing the hair seem to make the anxiety rise for many people. So don't be too hard on yourself in what you can accomplish in one day.

I agree that crying at the drop of a hat is a reaction of the disorder. No question about that. I don't do it as frequently anymore but when I do cry without provocation, I know it's time to slow down and step back for a few moments and make it about me

Typing does redirect our minds. Have you ever noticed how much I'm on this forum lol I can't worry about myself if I'm directing my attention to others Therapy in itself.

I shoveled a little snow today because a big storm is expected tonite. Getting ready for it. So at 3pm today, my break time is Dr Phil, a cup of decaf coffee and a small treat. Do you know that my body looks forward to that each day? Consistency trains our brain on to react to the time of day. You did well today. High Five xx

[Hardlookcap in reply to Agora1]

Indeed, helping others does the same for me. One day... after all these current shenanigans... I hope to have a scheduled life again. I have an appointment with a psychologist on the 22nd whom is comfortable enough to suggest medications to my primary caregiver to prescribe. That is going to be how i have to do it until a spot for a psychiatrist opens up. It has at least given me a deadline to hang onto for possible relief to begin. Until then... this forum is my survival tactic.

[Agora1 in reply to Hardlookcap]

We're just a message away 24/7 xx

[Hardlookcap in reply to Agora1]

I got to my living room and turned the fire place on. I’m writing up a summary of my history and disorders in prep for the whirlwind of doctors I’ll be in again. My poor dog was so excited that I think she nearly had a panic attack from being so excited I moved! She did a 5 minute happy dance. I’m not comfortable but it’s doable today for some reason and I’m preoccupying my brain with my task and the forum.

[Agora1 in reply to Hardlookcap]

xx

[DAVIDkd in reply to Agora1]

Agora? Is that agoraphobia? I was just about to say always pick a goal about going out before one that makes you stay in. For me I always seem more invigorated and clear-headed when I am out driving around. But maybe that isn't right for you.

[Agora1 in reply to DAVIDkd]

Yes David, it is for agoraphobia. I felt after being stuck in the house for 5 years, I deserved that title. Was surprised that it wasn't taken since there are so many who are agoraphobic. Actually, it was my beautiful Black car that became my goal to drive again. Step by step I reached it. Those days are now behind me. Life is Good again. Now it's time to help others. Thanks for your understanding and support

[Hardlookcap in reply to Agora1]

Wow agora... as u were typing this I was typing u a message! Crazy!

[Agora1 in reply to Hardlookcap]

Telepathic xx

[Ashleigh429 in reply to Hardlookcap]

Oh I can very much relate to this! I was trying to explain to a friend why I don’t want to go out much and can’t have roommates and such. I feel like if I can control at least my one place, my home, I know there will always be a safe place for me. If I just stay there and keep people away from me I can control most things which will lessen the likelihood that something will happen that will spin me out.

[Hardlookcap in reply to Ashleigh429]

Yes, exactly. I fear the unpredictability of the world. As a reaction to that, I make my world as tiny as possible to cut down on chance.

[DAVIDkd in reply to Ashleigh429]

Life is for living. Living is not about control. It is about meeting challenges and solving problems. Life is an adventure. The fear you feel of being out of control is normal. Everyone feels that. The difference between us is how much courage you can muster. And that is a skill you can build. It is like playing a video game - but with more at stake. Build your courage. Then move out!

[mdwagner]

Hi! That is awesome that you are hopeful and trying to have a good attitude through this all. I know it is so hard and scary and something that most people don't understand. The smallest tasks can take all of your energy and use up all of your "good mood" for the day, which is something I can relate to. It sounds like you are putting one foot in front of the other and setting goals for yourself which I think is awesome and something that I might try.

You're going to be okay, you can do this! I am here if you need to talk

[Hardlookcap]

I made it through the movie. It was torturous. My neck and back are tense, my jaw is tired from whatever the heck it is I do w my mouth, and I broke into tears once back to my bed. I feel depressed and exhausted with battling this but I also know I’m probably emotional because my body is legit tired. Hopefully I get good sleep before I do it all over again tomorrow.

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Baby steps. Think positive. You’re already setting yourself up to fail by saying it won’t last. Just think about one thing at a time. You’ll be fine!

[Hardlookcap in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

You are right! I had it in my head that one strong day was hard enough and a second strong day wasn’t possible. Your honesty and bluntness (not in a bad way) spoke to me and I reflected. I woke up today thinking it was possible today could be a good day too and it was. Constructive criticism is really appreciated. Thank you!

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell in reply to Hardlookcap]

I’m no way was I being mean. My safe spot is alone in my recliner. Can’t stay in bed, bad back and legs/hip. Today I’m skipping my grandsons birthday party. 😥 Got his gifts all wrapped and everything. Just very sick to my stomach and my chest is bad. Indigestion. Woke up with it. Anyway I understand. Sometimes I think it’s easier to get on a roll and do everything. Then run back to my chair for days. I just try to focus on positive and take baby steps. It’s the only way.

[Hardlookcap in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

I can completely relate... it’s like I sometimes can power through a few days but then I know I have to take like equal amount of rest days after!

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell in reply to Hardlookcap]

A couple days of awesome though is so worth a couple days of rest!