Suicidal thoughts

[Hardlookcap]

I do not have suicidal thoughts currently. Have I ever, yes, they are a result of me ignoring my anxiety which turns into panic mixed with insomnia then to depression mixed with exhaustion which lead to suicidal thoughts followed by agoraphobia.

I have found that... suicidal thoughts are not the same as Suicide attempts (obviously but separating those two is a big deal at the end of the day). I have found that the difference is that with suicidal thoughts you don’t actually WANT to die. You want your pain to end. That is not the same thing as wanting your life to end necessarily. It’s pain relief and rest that is being sought, not disappearance from this world.

That realization helped me tremendously with overcoming the last time I felt that way and it also helps me to explain it to those around me. I knew that if I died, I just spread my own torture onto those who loved me. It would inflict depression and anxiety etc on others which I never wish upon anyone. I learned it wasn’t death I wanted but pain relief for myself.

Somehow that made a world of difference to me. Maybe it will to someone else if passed along.

[jrcnpg]

Suicidal thoughts now referred to as suicidal ideation, for some reason, are different from suicidal actions. My current CPN said to me the other day that those who threaten suicide are most unlikely to carry out any kind of suicidal actions. It is the silent ones who follow on such thoughts into action. You seem to know the difference and long may that continue. And it is, as you say, the people around you who suffer and not yourself. I wish you well, my friend.

John

[Hardlookcap]

I’m one of those silent scary ones when the time comes. I think of that often. It’s what I fear about myself most. I don’t seek attention, I do things to look as normal as possible to raise no speculation. Tendencies only hit me after a very long drawn out battle with my other disorders... depression is like a secondary effect. It hasn’t happened often so I’m still new at it when it does hit. During those few moments thought... attention about it is worse than the thought of death alone. Scary stuff. I’m ok right now tho. Sad but not to that level.

[Lostjoy]

This is a good read for me right now. Thanks for posting.

[Hardlookcap in reply to Lostjoy]

It’s hard to organize our thoughts because our brain gets cloudy or fuzzy in the moment. I try to organize mine as best as possible when I get back to thinking like my normal logical self. I write it down so it can help my illogical self during those times. It’s really odd sounding but it helps a little.