this has to change

[Endlessnightmare]

I can not live like this any more. being sick, depression and anxiety. Panic attacks daily, followed by vomiting, stomach pain, nervous stomach, intense retching, followed by hours of crying, my depression gets worse everyday and every night my anxiety keeps me from sleeping and this has been my daily routine since December! I give up. I am physically exhausted, mentally fogged and unable to live any kind of quality life. No one understands me, most of my friends and almost all of my family (which was extremely close, loving and supportive until recently) do not have any contact with me. either they are tired of seeing me spiraling downward out of control or my mother calls them daily to update them on how I am failing as a mother to my children, I am a horrible disappointment of a daughter and just a loser as a human being. there is no escaping this hell I live in. As if this toxic environment wasn't bad enough my husband who was the only real support I had after the death of my father, filed for Divorce and has completely abandoned my daughters and I. I have no one to talk to. All of my friends are sick of me being depressed and tired of hearing about my horrible life. I was so happy so strong and confident I loved my life. Now I have no ideal what to do to be happy again. It breaks my heart that my little girls who were once so happy, so loved and completely adored by both their mother and their father, now have a mean and angry Grandmother that provides the majority of their care (since I became sick in December) all I can do is lay here in intense pain or I am in the bathroom vomiting, sick. There has to be something I can do to make things better? there has to be some new way of looking at things processing emotions controlling this endless nervousness that keeps me vomiting all day and restless all night? on and off meds for over a year, nothing has worked. Counseling, therapy, group doesn't seam to help and the medicine and constant Dr visits give my mother "proof" to my family that I am unfit and unstable their by giving her the right to constantly yell and criticize every thing I do or don't do. What can I do to end this nightmare? rebuild a happy life with my daughter's? just be normal again? be happy? enjoy life again?

[Joopaloop]

Everything is going to be ok. Your going to be ok, your daughters are going to be ok, you will come out of this stormcloud, how your feeling right now is not your life forever. You can get through it.

First thing you need to do is stop listening to your mother. Let her criticise you, let her call you names, talk to whoever she wants, just let it wash over you, for now. Her words are only as powerful as you let them be. I think you need to reach out to your family members yourself, and talk to them, they need to know how sad you are from you. Not from your mother. She doesn’t speak for you, she doesn’t know what’s truly going on inside you so don’t let her tell you or anyone else she does. Yeh she might be helping you out a bit but she’s not allowed to hurt you like this, it sounds like abuse to me.

Next thing, Monday morning you need to go the gp without your mum there and talk to them about her behaviour towards you and your kids, or you need to ring woman’s aid or something, get some advice about how they can help you and your babes out. However you go about it you need to get away from this toxic environment.

I know how much your hurting inside, I’ve been there, I’m still there, it hurts it’s horrible, but you can’t change it you have to learn and you’ll see the sunshine again and think about how proud your little girls will be, when they see their happy mummy again. You can do it you, that person you were before isn’t gone, they’re still in there xxx

[Joopaloop]

Ps. Have you tried Yoga? I downloaded an the daily update app and it’s got a 10 days beginner course I just keep repeating and do it in my hallway. Might help with you anxiety and panic feelings xxx