My dreamed february will be a nightmare

[vanessi]

What else should i say that you guys (who have read my posts) already know. When i landed in Mexico i landed with so much pain, very depressed and scared of my future but a part of me was quiet cos i knew i had to wait very few months until february so i was going back to Ireland.

I won't post the whole story cos it is boring already, the only thing i know is i've been having a bad week cos i know feb is coming and my dreams have gone and that make me feel awful. I don't know what else should i do but i know this month will be a storm that i don't know if i will be able to stand. I try to follow your advice, to understand the situation, to take it day by day but it doesn't matter how much i try i feel dying every day.

When i wake up the first thing i do is to curse my luck and my life. On my way to work i see "happy ppl" around i wish i could be like them. At night i lay down in my bed and when i am ready to sleep i pray just for my family hoping they can be happpy and healthy and for me whatever God want. I dream about my ex almost every night and the dreams are scenes where he is proposing, where he begs for my pardon, where he doesn't let me go, where i can know how he feels about this situation and what i see is he being miserable as i am, maybe it is just my mind playing tricks. That is my routine, my way of living and which i wouldn't like to live anymore.

Every day is a dagger in my heart, every day i bleed and every day i feel weaker. Tomorrow when january is gone and february is starting i will feel how my heart is breaking more and more. Only God knows how hard will be for me.

I am sorry for being always so negative, for talking about the same topic but i can't feel better. I believe you have experienced such a big loss, the terrible depression and the horrific anxiety that wraps me every day. I don't wish this sorrow not even to my worst enemy honestly.

I really appreciate the time you take to read and reply, believe it or not i think it is helpful and one of the best things you can give to someone who wants to be heard

Thanks for your kindness.

Vanessa E.

[schrodingercat]

I'm genuinely so, so sorry that you're having to go through all this. Heartbreak is one of the most devastating things that can happen. Even though I can't relate to your situation directly, I'm also in circumstances where pain seems inescapable -- but I promise you (and, frequently, myself) that things will change. Maybe your situation will change, or your feelings, or his, or simply time will help you recover. Nothing in this universe stretches on indefinitely; there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It can be impossible to feel that hope, but it is real.

Please stay strong!

[vanessi in reply to schrodingercat]

Thank you, i never thought that one of the people i love the most was gonna cause me such a big pain. All this have made me realise how fragil i am when it is about affection. I will try to stay strong and thank you for being there.

[gogogirl]

Yes, you can message me. So.... you live in Mexico? Wow, you're in a warm climate! Here's it's very cold now in the Winter, and we had snow today. As far as staying in your house and being calm, I think that is a good thing but it's all about balance. Experiencing cabin fever now.

[vanessi]

I feel calm cos I can't bother anyone and can hide myself in my bedroom especially in my bed. I don't know when this nightmare is gonna end, well if it is gonna end one day.

I curse my life and my luck every single day. Everything is bad to me