What else should i say that you guys (who have read my posts) already know. When i landed in Mexico i landed with so much pain, very depressed and scared of my future but a part of me was quiet cos i knew i had to wait very few months until february so i was going back to Ireland.
I won't post the whole story cos it is boring already, the only thing i know is i've been having a bad week cos i know feb is coming and my dreams have gone and that make me feel awful. I don't know what else should i do but i know this month will be a storm that i don't know if i will be able to stand. I try to follow your advice, to understand the situation, to take it day by day but it doesn't matter how much i try i feel dying every day.
When i wake up the first thing i do is to curse my luck and my life. On my way to work i see "happy ppl" around i wish i could be like them. At night i lay down in my bed and when i am ready to sleep i pray just for my family hoping they can be happpy and healthy and for me whatever God want. I dream about my ex almost every night and the dreams are scenes where he is proposing, where he begs for my pardon, where he doesn't let me go, where i can know how he feels about this situation and what i see is he being miserable as i am, maybe it is just my mind playing tricks. That is my routine, my way of living and which i wouldn't like to live anymore.
Every day is a dagger in my heart, every day i bleed and every day i feel weaker. Tomorrow when january is gone and february is starting i will feel how my heart is breaking more and more. Only God knows how hard will be for me.
I am sorry for being always so negative, for talking about the same topic but i can't feel better. I believe you have experienced such a big loss, the terrible depression and the horrific anxiety that wraps me every day. I don't wish this sorrow not even to my worst enemy honestly.
I really appreciate the time you take to read and reply, believe it or not i think it is helpful and one of the best things you can give to someone who wants to be heard
Thanks for your kindness.