Hello everybody, i haven't been around the last few days. Well i hope you all are ok.
I don't think i am gonna be ok never again, today as soon as i woke up i knew it was gonna be a bad day, i was so sad and depressed early this morning, i didn't want to go to work cos i felt very down but i had to go. All my way to work i was crying a bit and i remember feeling like this more than a year ago before i met my ex.
I must say i shouldn't be so dependent but i miss him so much, my life isn't the same since the breakup, no matter how much i try i just can't get better. I know no one can help me, i have to help myself but i can't, i don't see the point of being alive if i can't have peace in my soul.
No matter how much effort i put on the situation, he is on my mind every day, all day, i dream of him very very often so when i wake up is very tough. Every morning i wonder why i am still alive, i suffer very much when i am awake, when i am doing my stuff, i see this circle every day. I don't have dreams, no goals, no plans, i don't even know where i am standing, i have lost the path and i can't find it again.
I look back to my past, how happy i was, even with the smallest things and know i am so miserable. I took me so much time to build my happiness and stability and now i have none.
i constantly hate my life, i hate everything about me. I spent my sunday in bed sleeping cos when i am asleep i don't suffer. This has become to a huge problem, i never thought i was gonna deal with this pain again.
Now i am thinking of the next few days, my plan was to see him again in February, i was gonna go back to Ireland and i was gonna be with my love.
I have something on my brain that he said to me "We will have happy days in February" It is gonna be hard next month
Thanks for reading, you guys must be very tired of my problems and feelings.
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vanessi
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18 Replies
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Hi Vanessi i feel your pain and I’m so sorry!! I am dealing with the same situation!! I know and I hate this feeling!! I don’t have any advice to tell u bc I’m in a hateful state of mind and I’m sorry but all I can say is one day it will get better for both of us. You are not alone as I’m going through the same. If u wanna message me u can.
Oh, my, Vanessi. I have only one reply to all the sadness never going away, never being happy again and so on. You're wrong. Remember my story I shared with you? So I've been there, done that.
Remember a broken heart needs time heal...and broken dreams need time to mend too. You want them to heal quicker than they can right now. They have to take their own time do that mending. xxx
I know but to be honest with you i believe he is the love of my life, and i know people say to me what about if you find someone else, and what about if i do find someone but never love him as i love my ex.
When my feelings are huge for someone i rarely forget people. I know myself cos in the future i will choose someone cos that person look like physically and maybe emotional to my ex, so that would mean i haven't forgotten him at all.
Hi Vanessi, it has taken two years to start to feel semi better. My fifteen year old dog die and three months later my mom died of Alzheimer's. I had quit my job two years earlier to take care of my mother full time. It took everything out of me to watch her die in my arms. I than did an 8 week out patient program and also a two week inpatient. I am now on Wellbutrin and Lexapro which seem to be helping. I try to write 5 things a night that I am grateful for, believe me at times it's hard. but in twenty years I'm proud to say I no longer cut myself and I haven't tried to kill myself anymore. It is a hard fight but remember there really is a light at the end of this dark tunnel that we are traveling through.
I wake up ok but as the day goes on I get more depressed. Most of the time there really is no need for me to do anything but clean my house and walk my dog in the yard. I'm trying to stay positive until March when my son and his family come back to this country for a visit. A friend of mine came to visit in Dec. and that was the last time I had human touch. People don't realize what it's like to never get a hug.
Do this one thing. When you wake up take 5 slow, deep breaths. Inhale, exhale 5 times. And then say out loud " I will have a good day today. I will be happy. I will find love again. I am ok."
When we wake up feeling so lousy and then focus on that, we set our intentions negatively for the day. I can tell you, it may feel weird at first. But do it everyday. Even if the words mean nothing. Even if you don't feel they are true. And, eventually it won't be as awkward and you will learn to give yourself a positive outlook. It's all retraining our brain. And it takes a few days before the new connections are made in there, but it happens.
Before you go to sleep take 5 deep breaths and say, " I had a good day. (These are the things that were good today: even if they were literally just, I didn't call out of work) I will sleep soundly. I will be happy and I will find love again. I emanate love to others I will love myself."
Do this just for yourself. Trust me. Focus on whatever is positive and you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Positive energy attracts the positive.
Then you can work on moving past your past relationships and look ahead.
I only want to be ok with myself, I don't want someone else, I don't want another love. I have mine, if I can't be with him is ok. I'm only focusing on me and feel better and rebuild my life without him. I don't know why everybody says i will find someone else but that is not my point I don't want that, what I want is to be normal, have peace and find my path again.
Vaness, I can see you are a beautiful girl and I as a mother understand your situation. My daughter is going through very tough times also. She has hormonal acne and her hormones are out of wack. She and her boyfriend are not in very good terms and also tells me the same thing you are saying in your content. She doesn't want to live, rather staying sleeping forever and everything for her is dark. She doesn't have friends because she just wants to be alone in her room when she is not working. I don't know how to make her feel better but I keep talking to her and try to come up with things for us to do. I have joined a gym with her and that sometimes helps release some stress and she isn't in such a terrible mood. She is battling with hormonal acne and most of her depression is her scars... she will be going to a dermatology and hopefully he can help her.
Vaness, I will be praying for you and your happiness.. please try to find something simple that can keep your mind busy... maybe go for a walk, get a puppy, turn your music on loud and dance... just don't give up!
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Why can't I be happy? 
My mother does not want me happy and tries to ruin my relationships 
My happiness in a nutshell. 
