Was Doing So Well

[Mountain-Mama]

Husband’s traveling again this week so it’s just the kids and I (3 and 5). We’ve been super busy but super happy, besides missing daddy, but I was myself again, you know? Then tonight sitting on the couch, the feeling of crazy fear washed over me. Then the hot flashes and tears. I hid in the bathroom for most of it, but I keep wondering why this happens after doing so well for awhile, and without any provocation? I look at their smiling faces and I just break down, feeling like a failure. Like I don’t deserve them. I get afraid that my Illness will kill me, because I have scary thoughts about dying and suicide (they are unbidden and I would never act upon them) and then it spirals because I don’t want those thoughts or feelings. I want to enjoy my life with my children and it’s like someone takes it away.

I’ve recently been diagnosed with panic disorder, ptsd, and ocd.

[MelissaC13]

Hi Mountain-Mama. I understand your fears, depression, anxieties... I have a happy, healthy 6yo boy that I love so much. He is my world. Oddly, as he is getting older and more self reliant, I find just how reliant I am on him... He was and is the center of my life and I have no life for me, well not much. That leaves me a nice big level of void. So, what does someone with anxiety do with time on their hands, fear the future of course... I was feeling the level of depression that you are feeling about 5 months ago for a while. It was so scary to me that I was thinking about wanting to die when I knew logically, I don't want to die! My emotions are like this separate part of me, irrational and illogical. My head is a bad neighborhood and I should not go in there alone, well not until I am emotionally healthy. I have found meditation helped me a great deal with the anxiety/depression. UCLA has a mindfulness program and free podcast. Also, yoga helps me with getting my jitters out. Lately I have confused and muddy my mind with my inability to make decisions and making decisions without thinking them through. It caused me to feel like I am on the verge of passing out. (I have had many, many heart and blood tests done. I am diagnosed with PTSD and panic disorder.) I hope that you found sleep last night. The best way for us to get through anxiety is to go through it. - Melissa