Husband’s traveling again this week so it’s just the kids and I (3 and 5). We’ve been super busy but super happy, besides missing daddy, but I was myself again, you know? Then tonight sitting on the couch, the feeling of crazy fear washed over me. Then the hot flashes and tears. I hid in the bathroom for most of it, but I keep wondering why this happens after doing so well for awhile, and without any provocation? I look at their smiling faces and I just break down, feeling like a failure. Like I don’t deserve them. I get afraid that my Illness will kill me, because I have scary thoughts about dying and suicide (they are unbidden and I would never act upon them) and then it spirals because I don’t want those thoughts or feelings. I want to enjoy my life with my children and it’s like someone takes it away.
I’ve recently been diagnosed with panic disorder, ptsd, and ocd.