I have no motivation to motivate myself

What I am writing about is simply that I know that I could improve my health by watching what I eat and doing what exercise the pain in my body permits as this is what my cardiologist suggests.

My life consists of the time I spend on the computer, eating, and sleeping. Everything else I either cannot/will not do or have no assistance in doing. I'm not losing any weight as I have gone somewhat back to using food as a drug to keep my mind off of things. Sure, I would be in better shape if I improved my health, but for what reason?

There is nothing in my life that I have to look forward to other than the possibility of finally getting approved for Social Security. This will be my third hearing, whenever that may be. In the meantime, I am a confined to my parents' house where every day I hear all of the noise my mostly deaf and mentally ill father makes or his yelling at my mom for stupid things.

There are no friends to do things with and no, I'm not interested in what a church may offer to help. I've tried to be positive but every time dad takes me to a doctor appointment I have to put up with his nonsense, not to mention fearing for my life by his poor driving abilities.

My thinking has me looking forward to passing away from heart failure or other means. I've no plans for hurting myself in more direct ways. I feel like a prisoner on death row without any chance of reprieve.

[Sushi33]

First of all are you on medication for your depression? Second is there any other way you can get to the doctor, uber, taxi, etc? I understand the lack of motivation to improve your health. My doctor has told me many times that I just need to exercise and then I'll start feeling better. The problem is I have no energy to exercise. Please don't let your toxic environment prevent you from self care. Even if you can't make yourself exercise or eat well try to do small things for self care. Like sometimes I just congratulate myself for showering and putting on clothes instead of hiding out in my pajamas. Hopefully you will find relief soon and hopefully this group will help.

[Hidden in reply to Sushi33]

One medicine is all I take for mental illness. There are no other transportation options available in my area that I can afford as I have no income. I've tried the concept of waiting, waiting, and waiting for things to improve but after so many years this has not happened yet. I'm at that point in which I want things to change now. No more waiting when all I get is the wrong answer from the doctors and such.

[Sushi33 in reply to Hidden]

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much. I know medication is not the cure all, but maybe you need a different one. There are some that can boost energy and maybe if you got a little boost you might not feel so hopeless. I hope maybe sharing here and having support from all of us might ease your burden some. If you ever want to just rant and rave about life, parents, your health feel free to message me.

[Hidden in reply to Sushi33]

Yes, sharing my thoughts here does help out. I will be discussing a change of meds with my psychiatrist when I see her in two weeks. Thank you for your concern. As for an energy boost, the only option I have there is coffee despite doctor orders to not have any caffeine. I am doing my best to not make caffeine a habit but that is about as hard as telling someone that they have an addiction to air as they breathe it all the time.

[Want2BHappy3]

I have found that motivating myself is the hardest thing to do. Those demons keep wanting to take over...I keep fighting. When it happens I get scared cause I have a brother who lost the fight and committed suiscide about 40 years ago. I didn't understand how he could do that...now I understand how he could. When I'm there...I can't eat i get scared cause I can go several days without eating...I make myself drink water cause I don't know when I'll eat again. So I'm Fighting for my LIFE literally. I'll lose 20 pounds in one month. What I do when this happens is tell myself deal with today, save my energy for when I need it. Iam on medication. My doctor to me is Useless...so I'll look for someone who isn't Useless. Hang in there...Fight...Fight...Fight, your Worth IT

[Hidden in reply to Want2BHappy3]

Thank you so much for your supportive words. Losing family does change how we think about the world and ourselves. I've lost four family members in the past three years.

This makes me wonder how much time do I have left. It hurts me that I can have more of a life than I do now.

I'll continue to fight to get what is mine and to save the good things things happen in life.