Well it has been a lousy 2 weeks!

[67Gail]

Hi everyone, yes it has been quite lousy It was my Mums birthday on the 3rd and I completely lost my s**t. I just could not get myself together. I just ended up sitting crying, I am so confused why I feel this way, I was close to Dad I thought more than Mum, but I am missing my Mum so much and to make matters worse Christmas was Mums time. She did the house up like Santa's Grotto. I have put a tree up, got stuff to do the room up but can't be bothered at all.

Then on the 10th it would have been my husbands birthday, I can't say how much I miss him. He was poorly but he was there. I keep thinking maybe I need to move on, but I just can't betray him, so that goes out of my head quickly. I just need to be hugged! It just feels impossible to go on knowing I have to keep facing these anniversaries year after year. I am so tired from thinking. People saying I need to occupy my mind, it is full already thank you. I even washed my husbands cardigan again that he always wore. My son asked why I was doing that, I was going to tell him he needed it! So I ended up having a crying session again! I was so looking forward to Christmas this year, but I feel even more burntout than usual.

I keep forgetting things and I have dropped and smashed three things in 3 weeks, I have never been so clumsy, my sleeping is rubbish, it is all over the place. I can feel tired go to bed and loads of things come into my mind, things I need to do, so I write them down and just tick things off when I have done them. I need to be able to concentrate but either pain in my foot, which is bad bad (gp even gave me Gabapentin to help nerve pain, because that is what they are testing for now with it) or I just feel useless! I can believe I am like this, I am so angry inside, I have started scratching my back, the other day I put my nails in my skin and just wanted to rip it open. I am getting worse waiting for help from the health service. I am feeling like I am going to selfdestruct! But I am to detatched to do it. Mental health is awful, I can't fix it, I should be getting better not worse! Writting this almost every word has had to be re wrote because of bad spelling and I bet I have missed some, aarrgghhhh!

[Rick1on1]

Hi,

You are being exceptionally hard on yourself - especially around this time of year. Not only is it the holiday season (and the added pressure of " we should all be merry") but you are missing people who had their birthdays.

There are many things you can do to improve your situation but tackle your physical pain and sleeping problem first. Without proper sleep we don't function and the pain is constant reminder of the angst in your life.

Let me know if you want to talk about your loss of loved ones.

Take care and try and enjoy some of the upcoming season.

[67Gail in reply to Rick1on1]

Thank you for our kind words Rick1on1 .x