Sometimes, staying sober is hard. Suffering form anxiety, with a prior history of abusing benzodiazepines and opiates can be difficult when you are in need of a quick fix. Not that other medications don't work, but for me it seems they don't work all the time. Knowing that in a small little pill, there is a fix to these feelings, and for only a small price; what is the harm in just once?
And that is the thought constantly running through my brain. Of course there is harm in just once, because then it will be twice the ten times then...well you know. Hurt family, loss of relationships, no money, loss of job, mess of destruction in my path, etc.
However sometimes, even knowing this, those little pills call to me and make more sense in my mind than anything else. With all the other feelings going on, and nothing making sense, the only thing I know for sure is those pills make me feel better and I'm not allowed to have them.