Loosing a parent

[hwestemeier]

Hi, I lost my mother in Jan to stage four melenoma. Since loosing her my aniexty and depression have been awful. I am interested in hearing how other people made it through.

[Sprinkle1]

You have my empathy, I think losing ones Mother is one of the cruelest happening in our life. We lost our Mother due to medical incompetence , Needless to say I got depressed, and although I have had a lot of therapy in my life, I could not handle it by myself. I went to a therapist who talks about Loss & Grief. It took a few weeks and some exercises, she helped me work thru it. I still miss my Mother, and am sure I always will, but basically I healed. There are some good books on Loss & Grief - discuss the stages of the process. There are groups also, so I would ask your Dr. and get into one, they will support you and help you heal. Go on line you can find lots of help there. I wish you well and send healing Love and Big Hugs. Sprinkle 1

[hwestemeier in reply to Sprinkle1]

Thank you so much! It's nice to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am scheduled to start counseling on Thursday.. hoping that it will help!

[Sprinkle1 in reply to hwestemeier]

Good for you, we have to take care of ourselves, we are not taught that, we are left to sigh and wail, silly way to live. We need help and as we cannot do it , we need to look to others. I am proud of you that you are going for help. Spill out your feelings that what therapist are for. I wish you well, and hope you will let us know how it goes for you. Try Not to be nervous, this person is a technical friend, and you are paying for this service, so take full advantage of it. I send you strength, love and Big Hugs. Sprinkle 1

[hwestemeier in reply to Sprinkle1]

Thank you so much ! I have been very nervous.. I don't open up very easily or trust very easily but I am at the point were I'm willing to do anything to get better! I really appreciate the support! It helps a lot

[romiza5715]

I have lost both my parents, one in 2008 the other in 2010, I was at both their bedsides when the passed. I am haunted by those images all the time but I wouldn't have done it differently. unfortunately you will never get over the loss, I to this day battle with depression and anxiety topped the fear of my own death in the back of my mind. I am new to this website and I find it very helpful to write posts about how I feel or what is going on. whether or not someone replies it is therapeutic to just put it on a screen or paper. Only advice I can give you is that which has been given to me, take each day at a time, when you are feeling the loss battle it with the memories of the good times. I wasn't going to put up any Christmas decorations but my friends and family said I should as that will sooth my soul for my mom.

Hope you feel that you are not alone in this battle.

[Windy101]

I'm so sorry. I think everyone grieves differently, but I feel your pain. I lost my dad a year ago.

He is still very much in my thoughts and heart. I was in shock a long time. Now the shock has worn off. I am remembering so many loving things about him, but no one in my family wants to talk about it. I would love to have a long conversation remembering and honoring my dad, but they don't want to. So, I have my feelings and just deal with them.

I think it's a process that takes time. I am not in pain over him every day. I will love him forever. I wonder where he is, what he is doing, and miss him terribly. Sometimes I feel he was the only one in my family who really undertood me.

What helped me in the early stages were to let my feelings out by crying and also keeping things that had belonged to him. They comforted me. I talked to him. Sometimes I felt he was there.

I also kept busy. It helps. Clean you house from top to bottom. Get out and do things. Volunteer. Try not to spend a lot of time alone, doing nothing.

Sometimes I still feel terribly sad, a year later. I don't know that it gets a whole lot easier, but you get used to it. It is a natural part of life that we all go through.

And, two new babies have come along in my family since my dad died. I know some of his genes are in them. It helps to enjoy the new little ones for the blessings that they are.

[TruthSi72]

Hi hwestemeier

I sympathise with you, I have lost both my parents, I lost my Mother to similar circumstances, not the same but Cancer. My father died after an unexplained fit and was brain dead for a period of time before he finally died. It was a shame because we were trying to build a more closer relationship before this.

When we lose someone so close to us it touches at our very core, mainly because, and especially with our parents, they are part of our historic narrative and when we lose a mother or a father it is almost like it's the end of a part of who we are, we grieve that part of our story that they were a key player in, they are us and now they're gone.

The problem with this is that the grief can become self-indulgent in the sense that the grief becomes self-satisfying, we begin to feel sorry for ourselves...not to say that you are but I'm just saying that sometimes our grief can overwhelm us to the point where it is no longer about the person gone but more about the fact that we are still here without them...it becomes about us not them.

So I would like to ask you to ponder some questions. The more I thought about this the more clear my mind became about who I needed to be. You may have considered this already but I would like you to really think deeply about this.

What would your mother want for you?

How would your mother react if she knew you were letting your grief get the better of you?

If you could do one thing that you know would make your mother proud and would be a wonderful thing to do in her memory what would that be?

I wish you all the best.

I coach individuals for a living on events in their lives just like this. If you would like to talk more about this in a deeper and more challenging way then don't hesitate to message me.

S.

[Agora1 in reply to TruthSi72]

TruthSi72, Ahhh now I know why I am drawn to your responses. You have the experience behind you and it's amazing. I only wish in all the years I had therapy, it was explained like you do. I know I would have gotten to a better place much faster.

I think like you do now but it took years to put together all the pieces of the puzzle to truly understand my emotions, where they came from and where I'm going in life.

Thanks so much for your input with the forum.

[TruthSi72 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for your kind and touching words.

[hwestemeier in reply to TruthSi72]

Thank you for replyinf to my post. I really appreciate the advice.I defiantly can see myself stuck in this feeling sorry for myself stage. It's not a fun place to be in. I'm starting counseling on Thursday and am going to start working out this week. I really hope it helps. I might have to hit you up on the offer of more advice sometime.

[TruthSi72 in reply to hwestemeier]

No Worries. Good luck with it all and your fitness is a good place to start.

[Rgnonti]

I just lost my dad. It will be three weeks tomorrow. The day he died, I started having bad anxiety with irregular heart beats. Slowly but surely I think things will start to feel better. It's tough! I go to counseling already for health anxieties and I think it helps some. One day at a time.

[hwestemeier in reply to Rgnonti]

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, and I'm glad your holding up. It's been 10 months since I lost my mom and i definitely realized that my feelings go in waves. I think that's awesome that you already started counseling! I will be starting on Thursday. I'm very nervous .

[Rgnonti in reply to hwestemeier]

Don't be nervous! Just let it all out. I find that when I just talk and talk, I do feel better.

[Jason337]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. I lost my mom to cancer too, and I can honestly say that while I do still miss her and think of her often, it does get better. The first year is the hardest, since you go through so many first times without your loved one (first birthday without her, first holidays, etc.) What helped me through it the most was the rest of my family - my dad and my brother and sister and aunts and uncles. In fact we are all closer than ever to this day because we all went through it together. The other thing that I do a lot that I think helps is bringing up memories of my mom, like at Thanksgiving I brought up stories about past Thanksgivings when my mom was still alive. (I happen to have a really good memory, so a lot of times when I tell a story my brother says 'I can't believe you remembered that, I forgot all about that!') It helps keep the memory alive and brings a part of the person you're missing into the present day. Losing someone definitely sucks, it's probably the worst thing we go through, but unfortunately it is a natural part of life. My mom was only 50 when she passed, so I felt a lot of anger about what she had to go through and how sudden it was. In the end though after I let myself feel whatever I needed to feel, I came to realize nothing I thought or did would bring her back, that's just how life works. I hope you're able to move forward and focus on the good memories, but also allow yourself as much time as you need to grieve. It does get better though, I promise!

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

I lost my dad on Christmas Day 20 years ago. It rocked my world. I miss him still. Especially Christmas or special moments in life. It’s very hard. They say time heals all wounds. I’m not sure heals is the right word. It does however lessen the power it has over you. I’ll never not miss him or love him. I can just handle it much better and have spoke of happy memories with joy in my heart for the moment. So time is a factor. Grief counseling is also very therapeutic. I’m so very sorry for your loss. My mom is in her 70’s now and it is a major anxiety for me. I hope you find your comfort.

[Cathy63]

I lost my father in 2006. It's gotten easier with time, but holidays, his birthday, and Father's Day are still hard. I like uplifting and spiritual books and movies. They help. My mother hasn't been the same since this happened. Last year she had two strokes and was diagnosed with dementia. I miss the mother I used to have and feel like I'm mourning her too. I believe my father is happy in Heaven, and my mother is unhappy here.

[Susan512]

My mother passed away in 2005 and we will always have them in our hearts, just a suggestion spend as much time with your mother, take her for lunch, or go for a walk with her, take pictures of you and her just simply enjoy your time with her while she's still here 💝💖💜