Disgusting

[AllisonO]

I feel disgusting, inadequate, useless, worthless, ugly, fat, and absolutely loathe every last inch of myself. I hate the holidays. I hate pretending like everything is okay. Like my whole family loves each other. Like my boyfriend isnt on drugs. Like all my worries in the world are gone, but they aren't. I am so fucking disgusting and miserable I just don't even have the words. I want to jump out of my skin and explode. I hate my job, I hate my home, I hate the people I've chosen to love, and I hate this whole horrible cold empty fucking world. I am filled with an ugly mess of emotions and I don't think they will ever stop, or ever get better. I think it is all a load of bull shit. I think the people who don't feel this way, are lucky; and normal. Yet, I think they're fucking blind. Must be nice to live in a state of oblivion, God only knows I miss it.

[AGuyCalledMike]

Hey Allison, i know the exact feelings you are experiencing. I often grapple with the same emotions and question everything and everyone in my life. Honor your feelings, allow yourself to experience them fully buy don't let them consume you. Journaling helps me. Positive distractions, creative outlets, challenging my thoughts, doing something good for yourself.. just some suggestions to help you help you get through this tough time. Hang in there, you're not alone in this.

[AllisonO in reply to AGuyCalledMike]

Thank you so much, I appreciate that. Hard to remember sometimes that I'm not alone, although it may feel that way. I will take your advice and try to find some hobbys/positive distractions. Hope you are having a wonderful evening, thank you again <3

[Hidden]

I know how it feels to feel that way about yourself. I used to hate the holidays too.

I’d suggest trying to distance yourself from toxic people. If your boyfriend is on drugs and you hate him (assuming that’s what you means by hating the people you’ve chosen to love) it would be best to get out of the relationship. If you hate your job, maybe try looking for one you don’t hate.

It’s hard to not feel those horrible feelings but it gets easier as you learn your own ways to cope.

I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who hasn’t felt these feelings at one point in their lives. It’s a shitty part of life.

I hope you can find things you enjoy and I hope you find ways to cope.

Good luck to you on your journey.

[AllisonO in reply to Hidden]

Thanks I appreciate that, I know it may sound irrational but sometimes just feels like the whole world is caving in. Appreciate your response <3

[Hidden in reply to AllisonO]

You’re welcome.

Definitely not irrational! Your feelings are valid. Allow yourself to feel those feelings then do your best to pick yourself back up. It’s okay to be down, just try to not stay down too long. I know it is hard.

Just today I felt like the world was falling down around me.. but I picked myself back up, distracted myself with school and other things.

Keep your chin up! You can get through this.

[brownkvnb]

I agree must be nice. I feel just like you.☹️

[AllisonO in reply to brownkvnb]

sending love your way, hope you find some beauty in yourself today xoxo

[todayisabaddaytodie]

Hello Allison, I know its hard to feel what you are feeling right now but come to think about it, several years ago you hate being with your family during holidays, months ago you feel so horrible for being in love with a man on drugs, weeks ago you feel bad for being your self and up to now youre still feeling the same. The point is you get through all this at the end of the day and youre still trying to live your life even if it doesnt mean that much to you. And I think that its only logical that if you dont want to feel what you are feeling right now, do things that will change it. Try to do things that you like to do and will make you heart feel lighter. God bless

[AllisonO in reply to todayisabaddaytodie]

Thank you so much, I hope to find the strength inside of myself to take steps int the right direction to change. God bless you too <3

[Hidden]

You’re beautiful. Don’t tell yourself differently. You’re wonderfully made. Your value isn’t comparable to money or things, because you are priceless. So know that any thoughts otherwise are not true.

[AllisonO]

Wow thank you that just put my mind in a really good positive place, I needed that. Hope you are having an anxiety free evening, appreciate your kind words <3

[Anxiety_Aunt_]

I feel the same. Unfortunately I don’t have anything of use to offer other than you’re not alone - and if you’re not alone then I guess you could say that must mean there’s also lots of us thinking ‘abnormally’, so maybe that makes us collectively ‘normal’?

We just have to experiment and find ways to help ourselves and find peace within ourselves.

[AllisonO in reply to Anxiety_Aunt_]

That is correct, I suppose in a way that does make us normal doesn't it, huh? Hopefully we will find that peace just a short ways up the road! My thoughts are with you xo