I'm Putting My Life Back Together (But I'm Struggling)

[Mguss]

Hello,

I'm new to the community.

Well, I've struggled with depression my entire life. I remember being 12 and having the feeling like there's a veil over my eyes, that I could no longer really see or experience the world. I also grew up in a very homophobic household, which was really hard. I was a super determined student, however. I managed to get funding to go to a top university, and then was lucky to work at one of my favorite websites in San Francisco. I had a good life.

But my depression was still there, and I thought it had gone away forever after a traumatic sophomore year in college and subsequent two years of treatment. Naively, I stopped.

I had a good life and didn't know it was so good until it was gone.

Around August 2015 I remember having a sinking feeling that it had returned, but I ignored it and worked myself into exhaustion. I think the contemporary term for that is "burnout"--and I surely did. When I had an opportunity to keep a job at an org I loved, I didn't; in fact, I welcomed it as a release from anxiety.

I remember writing my goodbye email, and couldn't stop crying, which was weird because I did want to leave. Memories flooded in my mind and seemed to leak out as tears onto the screen; "My brain feels broken," I used to remark to a former coworker.

Looking back, it was.

A lot of other personal failures followed since I left my job: I got rejected by my dream company for an (unlisted) dream job; I serendipitously ran into my first love (straight man), which I took as fate (it wasn't), and I ended up humiliating myself not once but twice; and I was just sleeping and not eating. Upon an inquiry from my roommate on how much weight I had lost, I went to the free clinic (after getting kicked off my insurance) and upon a simple "Do you feel depressed?" from the doctor, I immediately burst into vehement sobs. So, yeah, depression was back. Officially.

I started celexa. And it was like meth. I couldn't sleep for a weeks. And this drove me crazy. So crazy I flew home to Southern California to stay with my parents for a month. I did. I recovered a bit, and even managed to get myself a follow-up interview back in SF.

But then I decided to "follow my dream." I decided to join in with a friend and work in entertainment in LA. So, I turned down the interview, went back to SF, packed my stuff, and drove down to "finally start my life." And for the most part, it did seem that way--I had just booked a filler-in gig on a TV show and had an interview that Friday. It felt like destiny.

But something was off. After working on the TV show, I actually stopped having motivation/desire to go out and find work. The interview didn't pan out, either. And many more, seemingly "the-reason-why-I-was-here" opportunities didn't work out: Studio president assistant, intern at a buying agency, both seemingly out of the blue, didn't lead anywhere. Rather than destiny, I felt cursed.

And at a certain point, my car gave out. And then my credit cards and bank account gave out.

And then I gave up. I stopped getting out of bed at all. I had lost my will to live.

Probably the most palpable irony was that I had been returned to my home, the very place I'd swore I'd never come back to.

It's in times of crisis that we do find our inner strength, though. I came back and told my parents to deal with my brother, who had descended into a raging opiate addiction. It got much, much worse before it got better, but I didn't fall apart as perhaps I would have done before. And he did begin his path to recovery, and is doing much better.

I do credit my friends for being there for me, too; and of course, my family for housing me, supporting me, loving me, even when I was at my worst (I had stopped showering at some point).

I also credit mindfulness. Because drugs hit me so hard and getting access to healthcare (I literally have no money) was so difficult, I took up mindfulness practices -- different types of meditations, yoga, and even exercise. As weird as this may seem, the meditations helped. It took a while, but I honestly can tell you it helped a lot. I no longer have compulsions to drink, even coffee is hard for me to handle.

This time also reignited my faith in a God. I do feel that I've grown throughout this tumultuous time--I've gained insight, gratitude for the things I do have, and importance of people in my life.

But I've lost also a certainty in my life's path. I feel I no longer want to go into entertainment at all. Which leaves me with a whole big blank space of career path.

So, I'm starting to put my life back together. And it's the hardest thing I've had to do so far in my life (I'm 25 btw). And today started off as a "good day" and then as I looked at how my resume is, I started to have a crying spell and I suppose some anxiety (I started feeling like I was swaying).

I understand it's baby steps to recovery, I'm just wondering if anyone else can relate to depression and anxiety running amok in your life.

Thank you for reading this long post.