Depressed and suicidal wanting my life back

[Joshgw]

My goal is simple and positive. I want my life back more than anything. I want to me again. But i cant seem to get there. I must be doing something wrong. instead im this shell of a person that i don't recognize that ive become. I try to be as positive as i can. I lost all my interests like reading, talking politics and travel. Ive lost my personality. Im so sad and depressed its hard for me to function, i get really high anxiety and ive been suicidal. Considering i have a 12 year old son that is an extremely frightening place to be. Ive been on many meds, TMS, ECT and ketamine. Currently, im doing DBT twice/wk with a therapist, a second round of TMS. I just started Cymbalta. Im praying to god it works.

But im not getting any better. Im not improving, im stuck. I might even be back sliding. I dont want to live like this. I cant accept this as my life. I dont even feel like a person. What more do i have to do. What am i missing? What am i doing wrong? I dont have the energy or the strength to keep living like this. I feel so awful. Im tired of the sobbing.

[Hidden]

Go easy on yourself. I know you’ve been through hell.

[Joshgw in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. Im in hell

[Adamj in reply to Joshgw]

maybe one day we will get out of this hell

[bonkers65 in reply to Adamj]

I hope so

[bonkers65 in reply to Joshgw]

Me too

[OB73]

🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾Help oh Lord!!!

[Hidden]

Dear Josh,

Why not try an experiment. Write a helpful response to yourself. Maybe imagine that a dear friend or family member is depressed. If you can’t write a response to yourself, write to help someone you hold dear. Seriously. My best.

Helping Each Other

[Joshgw in reply to Hidden]

thats a good idea, thanks. Now all I have to do is think of something to

[Joshgw in reply to Joshgw]

say

[Starrlight]

I’m here listening.

[Joshgw in reply to Starrlight]

I pm'd

[Arymretep]

thinking of you 😘

[Joshgw in reply to Arymretep]

thank

[Rob186]

Please don't give up, and give TMS time. My partner had over 60 treatments and she is doing so well. Try doing small things everyday, even a 5 min walk helps. Take time to heal. Read, listen to music, try helping some rescue animals homes and they give you so much love back. Take care.... things will get better.

[Joshgw in reply to Rob186]

My first round of TMS I did 51 treatments. I did feel a little benefit but when the sessions were over, the benefit went with it. I was not discouraged, disappointed, but I always knew I could do it again. But, I am 25 sessions through my second round of TMS and I feel nothing.

Walking for me is easy, my son And I go to a coffee shop together every weekend. Reading and listening to music is very difficult (and I used to work in the business)

Everybody tells me things will get better. When? I'm waiting im trying im doing all the right things like behavioral therapy, walking fresh air, spending time with my son.

Ivebeen going through this for over 20 years and seriously Suicidal for a year and a half including being hospitalized, ECT, TMS ketamine and at least 22 meds. Haven't I paid my dues?