Finding It Harder to Fight

[sshawn]

I recently hospitalized myself for my anxiety and depression. After a week, I really thought I had a good game plan in place to combat my anxiety and manage each day, especially work as it is my biggest stressor. I have been back to work for two weeks now and am finding it harder not to fall into the same faulty patterns of thinking. I am my own worst critic and beat myself up for everything. It is especially worse if I make even the smallest mistake. I am struggling to not beat myself up, let go of negative thinking and stop worrying about future events. I continue to meditate, exercise as regularly as possible, and try to keep things in perspective, but my anxiety is overwhelming. Acting as some kind of protective shield.

I take medication for depression and anxiety, and go to therapy, but after more than 20 years of suffering I question if I really have the strength to keep up this battle. I keeping telling myself I deserve to feel better, but sometimes all I want to do is give in.

I realize this my sound to many as if a I am feeling sorry for myself considering I do have two beautiful children, a loving wife, and a comfortable lifestyle, but I am hoping some people can relate.

The stress of it all is so debilitating I don't know where to turn. I feel as if I've taxed my friends and family enough that I don't want to burden them anymore. I really could you use some compassionate and understanding support.

[HelpingElbow]

Hi sshawn,

You asked whether you had the strength to fight this battle.......I would say: yes, of course you do!

I agree that workplace can be a stressor, especially if things do not go the way you want them to. However, ask yourself: why do you go to work? Obviously, because you wanna support your family, right? It's essential for a stable income.

You said you are your worst critic. That is because you sincerely wannabe better and you wanna improve. That's a good thing! Learn from the mistakes but don't spend your time repenting them.

You have been taking medications, therapy, exercising, etc. All of this show that you have been meaning to take charge of your own life rather than giving in to your anxiety and depression.

I would say, you are already taking the positive and right approach towards dealing with your problems. In contrast to what you said earlier, you are not a burden to your family or friends. We all have problems, don't we? Some will understand and some won't....

Try not to be harsh on yourself and give yourself some time. People will say all sort of things. That one moment you may feel anxious, but it will go....

You have a family, therefore, it's important to be with them, support them and love them. Only when you don't care about your problems and live for others, you will find peace.

I guess, this long post would be overwhelming for you. Sometimes, I get carried away, I am sorry. Stay healthy and do let me know how it goes for you.

[sshawn in reply to HelpingElbow]

It wasn't too long or overwhelming. You really provided great insight. It's easy to lose sight of what's important and hard to correct negative thinking. Thank you very much. I greatly appreciate you response.

[one-love]

I know your pain I have my good days and my bad days a lot of my anxiety attacks I thought were heart attacks in the beginning because of the physical symptoms I was always having (heart pounding, dizzy, impending doom feeling, breathing difficulty) but after years of having them and talking to doctors and therapists I realize now when I have them they are just anxiety attacks but they can be very scary for sure if you don't know what it is in the beginning. I hate taking RX meds too so it's a double edge sword, I feel like I trade one problem for another when I take the pills the doctors give me and all the side effects that come with them. To be honest I have been using medical marijuana for the last few years and I feel it really helps me and doesn't have near as many bad side effects. I know it might sound crazy but look into it and try a sativa strain it really helps with mood, anxiety and depression. But use a low does if you never tried it before

[Agora1]

Hi sshawn, "compassion" just happens to be my middle name Seriously, I went for 30 years suffering through anxiety and more recently agoraphobia which kept me housebound for 5 years. I think at the beginning I might have felt sorry for myself when I was unable to commit to any family gathering or events because just thinking about it brought on my high anxiety w/symptoms. I also had to quit my job in the medical field. Little by little anxiety was overtaking my life.

I too had admitted myself for inpatient hospitalization where I was given intense therapy and trial and error on meds. Six weeks in the hospital where I felt like I was all together once again. The minute I got out, I could feel myself falling back into that deep pit of fear. It was then I decided I needed to take everything I learned from therapy and work hard on myself. I was prepared to try different therapies in order to overcome my anxiety. From hypnotherapy to biofeedback, to talking therapy to CBT etc.until I came upon meditation and deep breathing. I had found my niche in calming myself and finding some peace.

Daily meditation several times a day became required until it was a learned experience. Deep breathing as well was something I had to relearn since I had been shallow breathing for the last 30 years causing a lot of my physical symptoms. I reread a book by Dr. Claire Weekes on "Hope and Help for your Nerves" that had been collecting dust on my bookcase. Her writings were the bible for many an anxiety sufferer and now I could see why. Simply put, one word could rid you of anxiety and that was "Acceptance". Acceptance that anxiety was not harmful. When the feeling of fear or panic would appear, accepting it and letting it float past you would eliminate the panic before it got full blown.

Once acceptance was in place for me, the meditation and deep breathing was all I needed. Shawn it's a matter of retraining your thoughts, being persistent in always going forward even if they are small steps. You will still get to your goal of being anxiety free one day. Anxiety is a mind game and games are meant to win. You can do this. Use the forum for the support and understanding of others who have been through the same trials of fear. My best to you, Agora1

[sshawn]

It's refreshing to hear that someone was able to overcome and take control over anxiety. Thank you for your kind words.