No sleep

[Markyt]

Having a bad day already. Haven't had a wink of sleep. Got a meeting with support worker but really don't feel up to it. Need to motivate myself somehow. Anyone else struggling or better still having a good day?

[Struggling777]

Hi Markyt

I hope your meeting went well today. Wishing you a better night tonight. Not having the best day but hopefully we'll have a better one tomorrow.

all best wishes.

[shellgg]

How did it go?

[Markyt in reply to shellgg]

Yeah I got everything done and as it is mental health awareness day in U.K. A group of local businesses were offering free services. Got fed, haircut and some clothes all free! So apart from being tired I'm in a much happier place than this morning. Just think if I'd given in then id be miserable still and would've missed out on all the good free stuff

[Markyt]

Awareness day

[shellgg]

That's great!

[Markyt in reply to shellgg]

Yep. Goes to show if you can manage to push through you never know what life might have in store 🙂

[shellgg]

That's for sure

[shellgg]

That is so very true. My problem is that the happier I become the worse my anxiety. I have been wired as a child to believe you can't be too comfortable because the world will come crashing down on you. I'm working on it. I have a wonderful life and it's scares me.

[Pearl67]

Shellgg, I too have the fear of “the show dropping.” It is awful!

[shellgg in reply to Pearl67]

Have you tried meditation? I always fall asleep but it's supposed to work as you are sleeping too. There are a lot of good videos on YouTube. I was wired as a child to believe the worse will happen when you're happy. Does your fear stem from childhood also?

[Pearl67]

Shellogg, I would say, yes. My dad was a violent alcoholic, my mom beaten by him and eventually went insane. Some of my sublings and myself were taken from them and placed in foster care. I was 7 at the time. The years leading up to 7 were frightening at home, especially at night, and then 12 foster homes until I graduated from high school. Some homes were better than others, but I was always prepared to move.....

I was always the fun one, the busy one, active, helping everyone out going @ school, ....so I was praised often as not “seeming like a foster kid!” (Night was still hard even in foster care) But as an adult, I see I was basically “spinning” (aka anxious) so as not to feel the yuck.

Please do not take this share as attention seeking! I am simply giving you my background. It makes total sense to me now; how I was basically raised to be anxious. Sadly, have not been succesfull in unwinding my mind! (Even with a semi-strong faith life) Bah! I have tried meditation. I kinda stink at it!!😂😂 But thank you for reminding me🤗

[shellgg in reply to Pearl67]

I stink at it too but they say it helps even if you are sleeping. Did you know that trauma as a child can alter your brain chemistry? I started looking that up when the intellectual part of knew everything I needed to do and feel but I still couldn't manage. Look up "complex trauma disorder." And google "the effect of childhood trauma on brain development."

[Markyt in reply to shellgg]

Most of the things we learn/are natured/ nurtured with connect brain receptors and form actual 'bridges' from thought to thought and therefore turns into a learned behaviour. The good news is that by identifying the negative behaviour, by replacing and repeating a more positive (habit) approach multiple times can actually break the bridge between the neurotransmitters and the brain can for new bridges and therefore rid the way we are 'wired up negatively and create the positive behaviour.

It's called (I be back shortly with the name) and link as its a while since I studied this at college (nearly 20 years in fact) so I want to be accurate in my reply

In short, we can change our thinking and behaviour and create actual Bruges between brain receptors by repeating and accepting a new way of behaving/ responding.

ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articl...

With kind regards

Mark

[shellgg in reply to Markyt]

Thanks Mark! It's so nice to know there's hope. This weekend was rough for me. I had my son and my energy just doesn't match his. He's almost 4. And I feel so guilty. Been wired to believe I'm not good enough at much. I feel like my son deserves better and that hurts me so bad.

[Pearl67]

I do! I actually am involved with an organization that takes children who have been horribly abused....

I periodically get to hear speeches, etc on childhod issues/trauma. I def have a high “ACE” score. I will look up complex trauma disorder! Thank you.

It did not help my brain chemistry that my mom was on some very heavy anti-psychotic/anti-depressant meds when she carried me (and other sibs)! And had shock treatments. Who knows what my forming brain was “bathed” in👀

All in all, I am blessed! Just wish I could sleep peacefully! I typically get anywhere from 3-6 hrs a night. Very broken hours though😞.

Thanks again! You are too sweet!

[shellgg]

Thanks!

[Markyt]

I have a tendency to sabotage my happiness. I too was born to alcoholic parents and spent most of my formative years in 'care' (biggest opposite to the word you can find. I was moved multiple times and this I know realise pays a big part in my ability to hold down jobs/relations as when I get settled or happy the big red don't press me sabotage button comes along and I end up pressing it with all I'm worth. Unfortunately i have fallen the way of my parents but am blessed that today I chose not to drink/take anything today. I know I have to take responsibility for my actions but it's very difficult not not to be angry with the past and the people involved in my neglect and abuse.

[Pearl67 in reply to Markyt]

I am so sorry to read about your abuse and neglect! 😩 Truly breaks my heart!

I am so pumped you are choosing freedom and a new legacy! ODAT is so true in so many areas of our life. So far, the addiction gene has not been an issue in my life, but others in my family have...

It is so great all of us in this thread know what we are doing—sabotage/fretting over the “possibility” things will go bad- because realizing it is the first step! Now let’s get about the business of learning new ways to stop that bad HABiT!!!!!

[Markyt in reply to Pearl67]

ODAT (one day at a time) is something I learnt around 24 years ago but have really only recently begun to accept and try to use as a mantra, it can also be broken down into one hour/minute/ even to the next 5 seconds if necessary. Sound a bit ridiculous but it really can help to pass through any really torment no matter how intense the moment. "If I can can just get through the next (however long....) the I'll be ok.

Pain and suffering don't necessarily have to go together and the latter is the continuation and worsening off the pain, in essence we're actually compounding the negative feeling.

I'm pleased this has made sense to you, the trick is to accept at base level that ALL of us feel some sort of pain and some point in our lives and to varying degrees but that the knowledge of accosting this completely unnatural response (we are human beings and therefore by default the thing that separates us from other species) wired up to want to step out of the pain) Accepting the pain and refusing to fret over it and to know it will pass EVENTUALLY (hour, min, next ten sec, who knows) is the thing that sets us free

I'm not saying I've got it sorted the total opposite in fact I'm a mess each and every day.

Hope that makes sense

With kind regards

Mark

[shellgg in reply to Markyt]

I would be interested in that

[Pearl67]

Mark, you are doing it just right! I am an alanon and “try” to odat-andcte, yes, many times osat (one second at a time!), but boy do I fail! Great thing is, I go back to it!

Congrts to you for choosing LIFE!

Have a beautiful Monday!!!!

[Markyt in reply to Pearl67]

That's a lovely response

Thank you

I hope you do too x