I'm a newbie. Looking for some shared experience and good advice...

[sophia_]

Hi everyone. I am very eager for advice and reassurance that I'm not crazy, so I'm just going to tell my whole story. It's long, but feedback would be greatly appreciated. So my Sophomore year of high school, I went on Prozac because I was having a series of "depressive episodes" where I would just cry for no reason. We suspected it might have been seasonal depression because it was winter at the time. However, I still look back on that time and wish I had tried harder to fix my issues with out medication - it seems like we made the decision way too quickly. I stayed on it for the rest of high school. At one point I was trying out Zoloft, I think because Prozac was making me too tired, but I think I was on too low of a dose or the medication itself was just bothering me or something because i just felt anxious all the time. One weird thing that started happening was that I would get super nervous around this guy I liked. It wasn't a normal nervous - It was really annoying to be around him. Like, super unpleasant. But at the same time, I liked him. It wasn't like HE was annoying or doing anything wrong, I actually thought he was really cool. But when I was around him I became so self conscious, couldn't think and couldn't function. I cared waay too much what he thought of me that it was debilitating. Of course being my fantastic 'ol high school self I sat him down and TOLD him this. Understandably, he didn't know how to reply. I graduated and never talked to him again.

The summer between high school and college I tried going off medication. The first semester of college, however, I started to feel really self conscious again. It mainly revolved around school work - I couldn't do homework with other people, it felt like such an invasion of privacy. I also kept thinking about the guy from high school, and it felt like he was always around, watching me, even though he wasn't. This led to my going back on medication, which helped immensely. I had a really happy year and half of college because of it. But of course, I still was eager to not need meds. I started off Spring semester of Sophomore year with out medication, and it went really well up until the last three weeks. I did some research and found out that Prozac stays in your system for 3-4 months after you go off -- what I thought was a miraculous cure was actually just the remnants of the SSRI still in my system. At the same time of this experimentation, I was interested in another guy. However, during those last three weeks I again started to get really anxious around him and self conscious; even when he wasn't around I would be worried about what he would think about every little move I made, and it made me feel insane. Granted I had finals and an unexpected drop of serotonin, so I should cut myself some slack. I stayed off the medication over the summer, still determined despite my anxious thoughts, to not need it. Even at home, in another part of the country, I felt like he was watching every move I made and judging me. During this time I started seeing a therapist, and she is the first one who told me that what I'm dealing with is obsessive thinking. This fulfilled my natural need to have a label for this bane of my existence. She also told me it could have something to do with my parents being divorced, and growing up my dad wasn't as involved in my life as is ideal. With her help I got through the rest of the summer, and went off to school. When classes started I, kind of reluctantly, went back on meds because I was still having obsessive thoughts about the guy, even though he is not even here this semester. I also just felt weird and awkward all the time, and my relationships with my friends weren't the same. I thought to myself, "It's not fair that I would have to suffer for the rest of college when for the first half of it, everything went so well."

So here I am now, back on the 20mg of Prozac. But I've been regretting it - I've been regretting not sticking it out. I'm scared that the medication is a danger to my brain in the long-term. I'm scared that it makes me forget everything. I'm scared that I'm not getting the full human experience, and next thing I know I'm just going to grow old and die, having lived this semi-existence.

I'm not against medication. I think it's awesome for people who really need it, helping them to live a better life. I'm just not sure I'm one of those people. What if the only reason I need medication now is because my brain is addicted to it? What if all I need to do is practice being with out it?

The plan for right now is to stay on it until college is over, and then try going off of it again. Is this a good idea? It just feels like I'm putting off inevitable suffering. I also feel like high school and college are the most formative years, and I'm screwing up this formation by being on meds. I don't feel like I've truly learned to deal with stress. Am I going to be emotionally underdeveloped as an adult? The question I'm most eager to have answered is: has anyone experienced this type of self consciousness before?

[ErinMarionSkystar]

The first thing I would do is talk to your doctor or therapist about your concern that you are going to become dependent and that it is effecting you negatively. Some medications for mental health don't actually change chemicals in your brain, so they aren't actually addictive - they just can be very helpful. Side effects are a very real possibility, and if you are worried about that, see if you can try different variants of the medication. Different formulas have different effects, and you may find one that makes you feel more comfortable. Honestly, just find out more about what you are taking, and talk to people who know about your concerns.

[guynfl2chat]

Hi Sophia,

My anxiety started in High School. I understand about the feeling of losing control and feeling "not normal". You will have anxiety for most of your life.. with that being said you have to learn how to manage it. Its not a bad thing all the time. Sometimes it reminds us that something is just not right or maybe we need to take care of ourselves. I think medication is fine to use if you find other coping mechanisms. I have tried anti depressants, but didnt like them. I take benzo as needed (xanax). My doctor is very much aware of condition and I have been open about more so for the last two years. I dont find the pills addicting but I argue with myself all the time whether I should should take medication. I think you should talk with a therapist and a medical doctor about your anti depressant. Make sure its the right one for you. The way you can judge.. do i feel better on it? Does it take some of the sensations away? Am I having less anxious thoughts? If not, please change the medication. You are not alone. Today is not my greatest day and I had the body sensations, but I try to cope.

[Hidden]

Don't be so concerned about high school or college being formative years. They can be so, however, not for everyone. Personally, I didn't think they were always such a great experience, they were bittersweet for reasons I won't mention. We all grow up at different times, some younger than others. However, the important thing is that you do grow up and you're still quite young.