I feel sick to my stomach. Everyone I know from high school is married or pregnant or having kids or getting promoted. Yeah, I’m in college, but I feel like I’m going nowhere in life. I’m on a hamster wheel running and running until I’m exhausted but not getting anywhere. I feel like such a failure. It’s really hard for me to make friends. I feel ugly and I’ve gained like 60 pounds since moving to college. I have no success in relationships at all. The one relationship I did have that meant so much to me blew up in my face. It probably wasn’t even healthy. If I remember correctly it was actually toxic. We were horrible for each other, but I can’t stop thinking about it and I can’t get over it and seeing other people moving forward in their lives just makes it worse to move on. I feel like I am constantly being reminded of my past relationship, or that I can’t make friends or that I’m ugly. It’s small things. A flashback at where we had our first date. Two people that look like us together in the same place we used to go. The same name showing up again and again. His car (a look alike) outside my house. I’ve tried moving on after that one relationship. In one instance they cheated on me. The relationship after that ended up in disaster and him using me for sex and then finding someone else. Even the best parts of those failed relationships can’t ever match the happiness I had in the first one. Friendships are nonexistent as well. It’s like people don’t seem interested in getting to know me, and when they do they hate what they see and then leave, or don’t think I’m worth the baggage.
I’m starting to believe them.
Need advice. Please help