Hamster wheel

I feel sick to my stomach. Everyone I know from high school is married or pregnant or having kids or getting promoted. Yeah, I’m in college, but I feel like I’m going nowhere in life. I’m on a hamster wheel running and running until I’m exhausted but not getting anywhere. I feel like such a failure. It’s really hard for me to make friends. I feel ugly and I’ve gained like 60 pounds since moving to college. I have no success in relationships at all. The one relationship I did have that meant so much to me blew up in my face. It probably wasn’t even healthy. If I remember correctly it was actually toxic. We were horrible for each other, but I can’t stop thinking about it and I can’t get over it and seeing other people moving forward in their lives just makes it worse to move on. I feel like I am constantly being reminded of my past relationship, or that I can’t make friends or that I’m ugly. It’s small things. A flashback at where we had our first date. Two people that look like us together in the same place we used to go. The same name showing up again and again. His car (a look alike) outside my house. I’ve tried moving on after that one relationship. In one instance they cheated on me. The relationship after that ended up in disaster and him using me for sex and then finding someone else. Even the best parts of those failed relationships can’t ever match the happiness I had in the first one. Friendships are nonexistent as well. It’s like people don’t seem interested in getting to know me, and when they do they hate what they see and then leave, or don’t think I’m worth the baggage.

I’m starting to believe them.

Need advice. Please help

3 Replies

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  • This has been really unfortunate for you and I can understand how you feel. I went through several of the same experiences when I was around your age and I'm a lot older now. There's no need to compare yourself to your peers. I know it's hard because they may seem to have it better; that's not necessarily true. See what you can do about feeling better about yourself before getting into another relationship. Sometimes that's done to feel wanted or liked or not lonely. See what you can do about losing that weight little by little and that's a good start. You'll look and feel better!

  • When you leave school everyone chooses the pah they want to travel. You have decided furthering your education is your path which is great. You can't stop thinking about your first boyfriend and you feel down about the break up.

    You said yourself that you feel the relationship was toxic so it was good that it ended. Why not celebrate the good times you had and think of the fun you had with fond memories rather than looking at it as if you will never have that again because you will. It was a pretty big deal for you because it was the first and I know how that feels my first relationship wasn't until I was at college and he left me 3 months before we were going to get married. I felt awful about it and thought it was my fault because he gave no reason for it.

    Anyway at the time I decided that I was going to continue and make a life for myself so I focused on my work. I did go out with a few other guys and some of them used me, but got back up after of course being down and sad about them for a while. I even decided that I was not going to go out with anyone again.

    I focused on my work and I took up a hobby. I made friends with my work colleges and did things that made me happy.

    So all I was to say is that you are young and things will work out for you. Try to look at the positive side of things.

    Also try to find a hobby or a sport or something like volunteering that you can do that will allow you to mix with other people your own age. Don't try too hard to look for a relationship, but learn to enjoy life and enjoy yourself. When you are happy and smiling you will attract people to you. Also don't just go out on dates because someone asked you, make sure you want to date them before you accept.

    Take care.

  • It's hard to be in that place Traveling. I know that space too - the one where nothing is right, seems right, will be right - ever.

    Traveling (I won't write lump because that's a label you've given yourself and) the whole post is about you nailing that perception of yourself as something 'lumpen and useless' into place. But it is a perception not the reality. I know larger women friends who're confident and sassy and men seem to love them bumpy bits and all. They have a sense of themselves as worthwhile and lovely, someone to be respected. They think it and that's what they are. Your post is heartbreaking because you seem to expect to be treated badly and nothing's going to put you in that place better than you thinking you're worthless. But that's just not true, you have value, you have skills, you are someone else's 'perfect'. And you don't need to ever be in a toxic relationship again - that's over and done with now. You can move on, and life can only get a little better - if you allow it.

    Possibly you're lonely and alone which is bringing self-doubt to the front of your thinking. I know I think the worse things about life and myself when I've had too much time away from friends and family (the one's who're good for us that is). Spend some time with the people who love you for you. Try to tell them that you're feeling blue and feel down about yourself - they should give you encouragement. If you can, seek professional help - talking therapies CBT type. Join some social groups though college - there's something for you out there. Starting to be social and busy will block a lot of those negative thoughts. Or do some voluntary work - anything that uses your skills makes you feel useful and able. Get your social mojo working again. Then when you're in a better headspace, when you feel more able to think about a relationship, it'll be from a healthy point of view - one where you feel you're valuable and attractive; that inner confidence is the most attractive 'light' there is - as the Ad says 'you're worth it'.

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