The suffering is too much to bare sometimes.

[TroubleCoping]

I'm usually a very optimistic and enthusiastic person. I guess that's why a lot of people who know me IRL have a hard time believing that I suffer from major depression. I always had a little bit of anxiety growing up. I was reserved, shy, introverted throughout my teenage years. Into adulthood, I became more social, even organized my own Meetup groups. I made a lot of friends, I had a good job. Everything was going well. My mom died back in 2010, and my depression may have started sometime after that, but I don't really know. It wasn't until about a few years ago that things started going downhill fast. I think I had been feeling down awhile before that, but I became moody in my relationship and eventually broke up with my fiancé of 6 years. I also quit my job. Just never showed back up. Didn't even write a notice, which is completely unlike me. Then someone I loved dearly drank himself to death. They found him dead in his apartment, and no one would confirm or deny if it was suicide. I also let my Meetup groups die due to lack of activity. I developed this terrible anxiety to the point where now I rarely even leave my house. I eat terribly, and I've gained a significant amount of weight now because of it. I tried counseling but I always sound so optimistic that she said I only needed to come in maybe once a month to check in, and I just stopped going because it wasn't helping me. My normal doctor also put me on Zoloft, but I have a bad memory and sometimes I forget to take it routinely. She says it isn't effective unless I take it regularly. When I take it, I think it helps numb my emotions a bit; makes me less emotional and I have less sad thoughts. But I always forget to take it routinely so I'm back to feeling low again. I still don't have a job and financially it's been a struggle. I had to ask my old roommate to take one of my dogs because without any income, it's hard to provide food for them. Much less myself. My dad helps me a lot, and I'm incredibly grateful for him, but I also feel like complete garbage. I feel like I'm letting him down and like I'm useless. I feel like an utter piece of shit most of the time; sorry for the profanity. I just look around and wonder, how did I get like this? How did my life become such a mess? I don't take care of myself, my house, and sometimes it's hard to take care of my dogs. My dad and my dogs are the only things that keep me going, keep me hopeful that one day I can turn this all around... but what if I can't? How do you go back to "normal" after being like this for so long? I can't really say I've been suicidal, but I have questioned my existence and thought it would be better not to have existed at all if this is what life is always going to be like for me. I don't want to die though. I just want a glimpse of the happiness I used to know. I want my old life back. This person I look at in the mirror isn't me. It's not me. I want to wake up from this terrible nightmare and go about my life without these awful thoughts and feelings.

[Struggling777]

Hi there

Sorry you're having such a rotten time. My mum's death last July also triggered my depression so I can understand 100%. I coped for a couple of months then I fell apart. I've isolated myself from all the people I care about as I feel so needy and I'm embarrassed that I can't just keep on going like everyone else. I've been living with my partner of 6yrs but he doesn't want to be with me anymore since this depression has gone on for too long.

Do you feel able to take small steps and set yourself small goals. It can help to boost your confidence when you achieve something however small. Are you able to remember some of the good times with your mum and relive those happy memories to give yourself a boost? I wish I had a magic wand and could wave all the depression away forever but failing that I think we have to climb uphill slowly.

Although I've had depression before, I've not let people down or ignored phone calls or messages before but this time I have so I understand what you were saying. I always managed to do what I needed to do and feel I've let myself down quite badly as that's not me!

I hope your day's been a bit better today and wish you well. 🐶X