Helping a friend

[Erica-Leah]

New here.

I have a friend who always cries whenever he goes to sleep.

He's had a nightmare recently.

He seems ok by day but the nights are terrible for him.

[Kakes808]

You're a good friend trying to find ways to help him 😊 you should definitely encourage him to go see professional help. I'll be praying for him 🙏🏼💕

[Erica-Leah in reply to Kakes808]

Thanks a lot. He does not want to seek prof. help. I think I am the only one who knows. He says he does not want to bother anyone.

[natstad8 in reply to Erica-Leah]

Wow, good he has you. I feel so bad for him, he sounds like overwhelmed by the end of the day and finally when at home and quiet with himself all these feelings and bad thoughts crawling in. I can relate. I hope it's going to pass soon.

[20Voices]

You are a great friend for wanting to help.

I get bad dreams and even nightmares at times. It is not good. What helped me was getting professional help and also working on a sleep routine.

I found that my anxieties that I held in during the day would come back in my dreams and I would end up with some really strange dreams.

Your friend is probably worrying even more before he goes to sleep which will increase the anxiety and stress levels and probably make the dreams worse.

If you go to the ADAA website and type sleep into the search you will get lots of articles on sleep.

My sleep routine involves me not having electronics of any kind in my bedroom, no TV, no computers, no mobile phone. I have a meditation exercise that I do before I settle down for the night. I will read a book, something that has not too much violence or anything that is going to make me think too much. Some nights I just play relaxing music before I go to bed.

If I do wake up and can't get back to sleep, I get up and go to the livingroom and either read or listen to music until I feel tired again.

I also keep a daily journal and the last entries in my journal everyday are 3 things I am grateful for. These are normally successes I have had and if I don't feel I have any I write about other things I am grateful for.

When I got help I just didn't want to be taking tablets so I made sure my doctor was fully aware of this. So we worked out a program of alternative therapies to help with my anxiety and depression along with taking the medication.

I wouldn't have made the improvements I have if I had just taken the medication, in fact I think I would have been in a worse state and on more pills to be honest.

So glad you are there for your friend. Encourage him to get help or talk to you. Try not to nag him though because sometimes it is hard to talk about things you don't understand yourself. Just let him know that you will be there when he wants help and to talk.

I wish my best friend at the time had come along to some of the classes I did. It would have made things so much better and maybe we wouldn't be in the middle of a divorce now. Any way, the good news for me was the support from my Mum and sister and my best friend from school. They have been a great support and have taken time to listen to how I feel and tried to understand why I sometimes can't put how I feel into words.

Take care and all the best to your friend and you.

[Erica-Leah in reply to 20Voices]

this is so helpful. Thank you so much.

He is in a bad marriage, but he does not want to change the arrangement for his kids. He and his wife are living together but they don't sleep together. I am happily married. This guy friend, we have a sort of unique friendship. We don't frequently talk face to face, because people may talk about our closeness. So, we chat online. I really want him to have a life like what I have because he tries his best to be a good father. He has tried talking to his wife, but she seems to like this arrangement. He does not want to get any professional help. I'm the only one who knows.

Again, this is a very valuable resource for us, friends who want to help.

[20Voices in reply to Erica-Leah]

You are in a tricky situation because he really needs to want to get help in order for anything to work.

It is strange how people talk about men and women who have close friendships. It is like there must always be something going on between you. I have experienced that myself, mind I was single at the time most people were gossiping. I can understand him not wanting to hurt the kids, but the stress he is putting himself under must be showing and that kind of stress is not good for the health.

I wish your friend all the best with sorting things out.

[Erica-Leah in reply to 20Voices]

hello!

I am so glad that you replied, esp that you had the same experience. Me and him are probably the only ones who know why we are close, but there is nothing between us. People would not understand why. at first my husband got jealous but i explained to him I really just want to help this friend and I think I can be of great help.

He frequently gets sick, and you are right, the stress he's putting himself into is the cause. But he really does not want any prof. help, nor does he talk to anyone. He tried telling his parents he wants separation, but they're all against it, telling him, he and his wife can fix this.

His wife refuse to be intimate with him, so he has not stopped asking. She also refused to work to augment their income. She stays at home, does not do much and gets mad when he tells her to clean up their messy house. He sent me pictures and I was horrified by the clutter and garbage. I told him this is not good for kids, but he says he has given up, cause she goes ballistics, creating more fights. So, for a quiet household, he lets her be.

Thanks so much for your kind advice.

[20Voices in reply to Erica-Leah]

Hi, I am going to send you a message.

[natstad8 in reply to Erica-Leah]

Oh wow, so sorry for him. It's dangerous situation. I hope he stays strong. Definitely need to separate.

[Erica-Leah in reply to natstad8]

I know. I think separation is what is best. the kids see them fight. but not anymore because he just keeps quiet, while she does what she wants. She does housework but everything on her terms. He tells me that this is best for kids. He will just be quiet so, there's peace in their house. What I do is just ask him if he's ok, cause lately, he has gotten sick. His wife does not really care, as a wife should, so he does things on his own.

I care for this friend because I think I am the only one he confides, but I know I can only do so much because I also do not want my husband to worry about being involved. I tell my husband about him, but not everything because I respect his wish not to talk about his situation with other people. I am here because I can get valuable information which I can tell him.

Thanks so much for answering!

[Erica-Leah in reply to 20Voices]

so the dreams are also anxieties. Will tell him about this. he listens to soft music. But his sleep is erratic. I am a nag sometimes, thanks for pointing that nagging is not helping. But he does not want any prof. help. I try to help him, but I am married, a female, so we just chat often as we try to avoid people wondering and gossiping, which has happened. He probably does not even want to be part of this group. We've been together in work for 4 years, but it's just recent that we began talking and we like each other's ideas, and this started our chatting.

I am happily married, so there's nothing other than close friendship between us. I want him to feel ok, not even happy, because his married life is in shambles, so it's too much to hope he will be happy.

Thanks again.

[20Voices in reply to Erica-Leah]

I used to switch off when my Mum and sister who are helping me were doing what I felt was nagging. They persuaded me to go on a holiday with them last February. I had told them I didn't want to go because sometimes I just wanted to be on my own and they be looking for me to spend all that time with them. They promised to give me my space when I needed it, so I went. 2nd day of the holiday with my parents and sister and I really wished I had not gone, because we were spending all day together and when I said I wasn't wanting to go out in the evening they all nagged me to go. On the 3rd day I got the courage to speak to my Mum and told her that nagging me to go out or do things didn't help me. We had a good chat about it and worked out a system where she could encourage me, but I could also tell her when enough was enough.

It is difficult to know when to keep encouraging and when it is not helping.

Also make sure you are spending quality time with your husband and not talking all the time about your friend, so that your husband feels your love for him.

In my marriage I had male friends and my husband had female friends. We trusted each other. I did feel a little jealous once about one of his friends, but that soon passed so I also understand your husband's thoughts. Trust is so important in a marriage and I though I had that with my husband until I became ill and everything went wrong. Keep focusing on your marriage and making sure that your friendship doesn't affect it.

Take care.

[Erica-Leah in reply to 20Voices]

hi everyone. This friend of mine for a week feels ok, bearable, he said. and tonight he says he feels so down, and he wants to be by himself. I just really do nor know how to help him. he shuts everyone out, as he said "caving" helps him. I just told him I am here.

[20Voices in reply to Erica-Leah]

Hi, Sometimes that is all you can do.

I have times where I just needed to be alone with my thoughts because of all the noise in my head I just didn't need anymore happening.

Just reminding him that there are people he can talk to and that you are there if he needs to talk is good. Check on him tomorrow, just be letting him know you are just letting him know you are there for him.

You are a good friend, please make sure you are looking after yourself as well.

Take care.

[Erica-Leah in reply to 20Voices]

thanks so much! will do your advice. I feel ok. Thanks for reminding me.

[20Voices]

It is good to talk about these things and we are so scared at times about what everyone else will think.

I just feel at times that the world is becoming so superficial where it is all about all the gadgets and bling you have rather than the person you are inside. I also feel people are too quick to judge others and in a lot of cases put others down by spreading negative messages about them in social media.

I hope you don't get nightmares anymore and that you are keeping well.

Take care.