The doubtful feeling, which creates this question occupy me in several phases :
Phase 1 : I was dependent to others by my family members since I was a child. I often leave things behind. I often forget to submit my assignment. I often give burden to my whole family members. This makes me feel inferior and useless and I hate this part of me since I was a child, but this is not really influential to my mental state. Because I still can study dilligently and get a good score.
Phase 2 : I was bullied and alienated by most of students in my classroom in high school due to my rare INTP traits, i.e. extremely curious and intelligent. And I am often called names, deceived, manipulated, and so on. This makes me HATE MYSELF, HATE THEM, and HATE MY LIFE and I finally lose motivation to learn. But my teacher is kind enough to give me good score, so I finally gain little motivation of learning.
Phase 3 : I quickly found out that the lessons(especially computer skills) were quite hard and there were no one who wanted to teach me.(and even if there were some, they never intended to taught me and they taught me just because they were forced.) Therefore, I was forced to learn by myself and since I was dependent to others, I found it difficult to learn by myself. And what happened? I lost a competition. Therefore, once again I lost motivation of learning. But it was not only that. I hate this fate and I became emotional and depressed as the result.
Phase 4 : I started to rampage in home and at course. i started to masturbate even more uncontrollably. This made my parents reprimand me and I was completely embarrassed and pissed off because of this.
Phase 5 : Symptoms in Phase 4 worsened, and my parents were tired of my rampage so they finally gave me ultimatum. And I was forced to stop my rampage and continued masturbating secretly.
Phase 6 : I started to lose in several competitions and the bullies continued bullying me. So I finally chose to retaliate by rampaging across social medias. However, it failed as I became stressed due to netizen's hostile reactions and bullyings towards me. And I started having fever and headache as the result. And my lust to destroy and dominate increased. But it felt agonizing as I couldn't manifest my lust in real world and just keep it like that. Moreover, the bullies and my losses in competitions continued to torment me, causing quite a fever and headache, which made me rampaged at the final semester exam. But I was still not satisfied, knowing that those students from other class were still noisy while I was answering my exam questions.
Phase 7 : I have no way out of this hell. That's when I swore... that I would... be a great scientist... travelling the space... and conspiring with aliens to takeover the Earth and takeover the whole galaxy. OR... I would be a great intelligence scientist and create robots(or converting humans into obedient robots who submit to my demands) to takeover the Earth. This is the first time I ever think like a very twisted villain, because I hate humans and my fate.
Phase 8 : My ambitions once again revived my motivation and shaped me into a stubborn, idealistic man. I went to the university and took the course of Mathematics in the Faculty of Mathematics and Natural Science. However, this wouldn't be easy, as I have sworn under the orders of the teachers and leaders in the university to be a good guy and I had to endure people's hostility towards me. And my parents kept on demanding me to change to be better, while saying that I didn't want to change because I was just simply evil, thus encouraging my ambitions to dominate the world. And when I was writing this, my mom kept on scolding me and ordering me to sleep and not typing my aspirations.
But there were several factors which discouraged my evil ambitions and encouraging my good side :
1) Some warm welcoming from some of the new university students.
2) Some compliments from university students, stating that I was smart and intelligent.
3) Conversations with some students, stating some bitter realities of some people and human's nonsensical evil nature. (And they even give tips about how to cure myopia)
4) Some motivations of life in social medias and internet.
Hence, I believe that I could be better and have better life, but my evil side, driven by my anxiety and feelings that people didn't care about me, no one would be friendly to me, etc. kept overdriving me, and the feeling that I am inferior and I am not worthy of a happy life because I am stubborn and looking foolish making me depressed.
So, I want to ask your opinions in the end of the day, am I really a great, intelligent legend who deserves a happy life or am I just a mere idiotic scum who doesn't deserve better life at all?