Numbness

[HSandyGirl]

Does anyone else go into a state of numbness after being extremely anxious for days at a time? Since Sunday night I have been in a constant state of anxiety. Shaking, racing obsessive thoughts, worrying about anything and everything. I feel like I'm in constant survival mode and I guess in some ways I am. I feel like I am just trying to survive. I feel like no body understands. My anxiety is coming in between my husband and I. I try so hard to make him understand but he just doesn't. I feel us drifting apart slowly. He's pulling away from me because I'm not the woman he married. I had my anxiety controlled to an extent before the traumatic birth of my son 2.5 months ago. Today after a stressful doctor visit for my son and finding out he has a muscle disorder I shut down. It's like I'm not Haley anymore. Even writing the name Haley feels weird. I feel numb to all emotions. I prefer it this way over the constant feel of dread. I feel so alone in my thoughts. The only thing good in my life is my baby boy but I can't even protect him from the world. My husband said something today that makes me just want to give up. He said I might have to live with the fact this is my new normal. He doesn't see the turmoil inside of me because I just try to show him the strong side because after showing him my weak side he couldn't handle it. I let him know when we first started dating that I had extremely bad anxiety and depression but I believe all he saw was a bright eyed 20 year old who wanted to conquer the world. We've been together for almost 5 years and married for 3 and I've never felt more alone than I have right now. I'm so afraid this will get to much for him and walk away. Money is just one of our many troubles. After my hospital bills, my son's NICU bills and the constant Dr visits for both my son and I we are in debt. I keep trying to tell my husband as long as we have each other everything else doesn't matter but he doesn't care. I guess I'm just not enough. I feel like I'm drowning. I was seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner but she hasn't helped me and I finally found a doctor I use to see as a child but she's not in my network with insurance. I just need help. I can't do this on my own. Is that to much to ask for? I can not keep living like this. I have so much to live for but I can't help but keep thinking how much easier it would be if I gave up. I'm just so tired.

[mz_rachel]

I'm so so sorry that you're going through some hard times right now... it breaks my heart that you feel all alone in this when you gotta be strong for your son. You are not alone in this okay? I pray that your husband understands and is more compassionate towards you and everything else. He's suppose to be your rock when you need someone to lean on. And I hope he provides that for you, to hold you and let you know things will work out. God is good. Stay strong for yourself and know that people care about you and that we're all in debt and every problem has its solution some way somehow. I'm pretty damn sure you're an awesome mom and your son loves you for all that you do. Things will get better and I pray it does for you. We're all here to help each other ❤️. Just message me anytime!

[HSandyGirl in reply to mz_rachel]

Thank you! I feel like I try so hard to be the best mom. I never want my son to see me like this. I only want him to ever see the good in this world. I feel so ashamed of my mental illnesses and what they prevent me from doing. I never want him to be ashamed of me.

[mz_rachel in reply to HSandyGirl]

And trust me you are being the best mom to him!! Just bc we have a mental illness doesn't mean we should lessen our worth of who we are now, from the person we once were. That person still exist. We just have this stupid blockage that likes to bite us in the ass. I know it's hard to accept it but that's the biggest step is accepting. It doesn't make you a weak person and trust me you'll feel a whole lot better knowing that you're honest with yourself. Bc I everybody in this world has their own damn issues... and your son will never ever be ashamed of you. If you know for yourself that you're a damn good mom, that's enough for YOU to know you are.

[mz_rachel in reply to HSandyGirl]

Hell... I'm jobless right now and I feel that I might be going back to my old ways where I feel like down the street feels like it's miles away. I can't even drive to a nearby subway or any place without thinking if my breathing will be off and then I'd have to rush home. That's why I had to quit me job bc I kept calling in and that I didn't think it was fair for me to stay and let my team down. And plus I wanted to just I guess take a break of whatever it is I needed to clear my mind up etc. And so far it hasn't been really good. I've been posting quite a bit on here, so I don't know if I'm going backwards again or what.. and it's freaking scary. I actually asked my bf jokingly if he'd leave me bc of my issues. He said no. It frustrates him he said but he understands.

[mz_rachel]

And I know exactly what you mean by you don't feel like yourself.... if you see my posts, my stories don't lie =|

[Hidden]

Wow it hits me at home how you said you’ve been trying to be strong while dealing with your severe anxiety. I feel the pain in your story because I’m in a similar situation. My anxiety is affecting my family members and I feel like a tremendous burden. I’m lost and confused. I pray to god but feels like my prayers fall on deaf ears. I think about suicide all the time. Anxiety 24/7. Dizziness, unbalanced sensations, racing uncontrollable thoughts, weak rubber legs, and major migraines from the stress I deal with. If there is a time where I need god, now would be a really good time. I’m exhausted, empty, depressed, and broken beyond repair. Just enduring and walking around like a zombie. I feel you hope that helps.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

God is listening..ask God to forgive you..forgive you for being your worst enemy..for give you for doing this to yourself ..forgive you for your sins..forgive others..forgive forgive forgive everything!..keep forgiving your self ..and then,...surrender to God..

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thanks I will do just that! I pray for your health and well being also.