41 Going on 81

[HelplesslyHoping]

I can't believe I've been suffering with depression, anxiety, PTSD, ETC for over 30 years now. I used to believe in hope but I don't anymore. I'm 41 and have been through a lot but the worst was when I had my miscarriage and the Uterine Fibroids (non-cancerous tumors) that have taken away any possibility of ever getting pregnant again. I'm scheduled for a partial hysterectomy because they have grown a lot and are causing additional health issues. I've always wanted to be a Mommy and it's so hard to believe that is never going to happen (and yes I would TOTALLY adopt but that's not a possibility either). My depression has gotten so bad I hardly ever leave the house. If it weren't for my husband I doubt I'd be here. I feel like I'm just biding my time until I die and it's really messing me up. I'm CONSTANTLY seeing doctors and trying different medications but still nothing works. If nothing has worked after trying for over 30 years I find it hard to see anything changing. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel absolutely empty inside. I used to at least have so many hobbies and interests that kept me and my mind been busy and somewhat sane but not anymore. I'm sad, scared, lonely and in pain. I don't know what to do anymore or how to make things better.

[HelplesslyHoping]

Thanks for responding lilaclil. It means a LOT. It took a lot for me to even post this. I'm normally the one comforting others... Regarding your question about counseling OMG YES ... I have been seeing a therapist since I was 18 years old (tried a few different ones). I HAVE had stretches of relief AND even moments of clarity... I've done it all... Meditation, Hypothesis, ETC ETC ETC... which HAVE helped me reach those moments of 'peace'... but I don't know what has happened because I've been in a deep depression for over a year now and can't shake it... that's what scares me. I'm so tired of crying all the time. I don't see the point in anything so I do nothing. I KNOW that is my depression talking but it doesn't make a difference. Everything makes me cry... there is just so much evil and pain in the world... it's so hard to bear...

[CaptainCrunch in reply to HelplesslyHoping]

It is hard and difficult to see you suffering. I wish there was something more I could say or do to help. People here seem to really understand and it helps to hear their stories. Please keep posting.

[Catrib]

I understand. I've been feeling like you for ..let's see...45 years now. The only medication that actually helped was the cigarette quiting drug Chantix. I finally had a short time to say hi. there I am. Ive been waiting most of my life to meet you' I loved the person I was always meant to be. I talked to my doctor about continuing to take it and she said no. So I asked if there was an antidepressant like that and she said no. I just can't understand why if something works to have someone feel normal then why don't the drug companies share it

[HelplesslyHoping in reply to Catrib]

I soooo feel your frustration especially regarding the drugs! I've had to fight so hard just to get my doctors to truly LISTEN to me... they are so 'casual' (for lack of a better word) when it comes to dishing out prescriptions... I know there are good docs out there (I've had them and sadly miss them because they move or whatever)... but so many docs are just guessing because... well... really I can't blame them... drugs work differently on everyone... that's what's so frustrating... it doesn't shock me that a med for quitting smoking helped you... So many meds start out for one ailment and end up helping for something else... how frustrating to feel that RELIEF only to have it taken away... if they only knew what it felt like I'm sure they would think twice. Why did the doc say no? Because of side effects? I'm just at the point where if I find something that works I don't care about the side effects because it's not like I'm living a quality life, you know?

[Catrib in reply to HelplesslyHoping]

She said it was for quiting smoking not for depression and only meant to be used for a short period of time. Actually I had no bad side effects at all. Maybe I should write the company that makes it. I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels the same way.