I don't know who to vent to...

[TheBuizel]

so I'm hoping it's alright if I vent here.

I just... Maybe I'm not in as deep as others, I've only been diagnosed with mild amounts of depression, but it's awfully hard to keep it from acting up recently. I've had reoccurring issues with it recently, but Friday's when it really blew up and now I'm having a difficult time coping with it. Hopefully it gets better on Tuesday when I should be prescribed antidepressants, but there are probably issues that medicine alone can't correct...

I have a unique situation in that I'm currently an enlisted aviator in the military. There are lots of restrictions flyers are put on, including that if you choose to go on antidepressants, you're basically put on hold from your job until you're in a stable state of mind for six months. Meanwhile, depressive thoughts have held me up from working out, having a good diet, spending money properly... These negative thoughts about myself would keep me from doing what I was supposed to do, and 99% of the time I found myself agreeing with them.

Fast forward to Friday, I finally decided it's time I start taking medication, and, well... things began to fall apart. I started to beat myself up for the decision, jumping to conclusions and drawing out the worst-case scenario for myself and figuring i just screwed myself over from my job (waivers to return to flying status are put on a case-by-case basis, and there is possibility that I could be denied and would have to go into a different career field or separate.)

Meanwhile, my boyfriend (yes, I'm in a same-sex relationship) has basically told me that a close friend of his told him that he should break up with me basically because I'm too depressing (Thank god he didn't, but the fact still remains that the conversation happened and if I continue "our relationship will be in jeopardy".) Admittedly, I wasn't being very mindful about it, but now I don't feel like I can share anything with him. I've been with him for over a year and a half and I love him more than pretty much anything else, and now I fear venting to him, or to any of the friends in our little group, in the slightest will kill our relationship. And then my major lack of self-esteem isn't helping, because I know I'm a problem, and now I'm beating myself up for it.

Heck, I feel even venting to anyone would cause problems... I figured telling some of my coworkers what was going on would help (I mean, I'd rather have everyone hear that I'm basically being pulled from my job because I'm fixing myself, not some sort of brewed-up "he got in massive trouble" sort of item), and my supervisor told me that it's my personal business and I shouldn't be sharing it. Then I'm in all sorts of different servers in Discord with vent chats, but I fear opening myself up there will result in people there thinking of me as just another source of stress (the same thing that's starting to happen to me and my boyfriend, as well as some of our other friends.)

And then I could call my family, but... I can't tell them what happened. Especially not on Fathers' Day and my mothers' birthday (yes, they're on the same day this year.) They feel I'm the only one that's accomplished anything in our family so far, and telling them that I'm now going to be on antidepressants and there's a chance I won't be doing the really cool job they've been bragging to everyone about... I just can't handle thinking about how that would mess with them.

And I mean, sure, I have a psychologist (that's how I came to the decision of needing antidepressants in the first place), but I don't meet with him often enough to feel he'd be a good way to get my feelings out. I was lucky enough to get another appointment with him Thursday, but it's likely I'd only be seeing him every two weeks to a month later, and that's just too far out for me to be able to hold in everything until then.

TL;DR I'm a mess of a person and I don't have anyone to turn to, hoping someone here can give me some guidance.

[FixingThePineapple]

I have so many things to say to you I don't even know where to begin...

First of all you are not alone, so let that part of your worries rest. I was diagnosed with reoccurring major depressive disorder and a lot of what you said resonates with me. When I was a teen I was never happy and so my parents constantly made comments about me being a bitch. They would tell me if I'm not going to enjoy [whatever is going on] then why even try to be part of the family? They complained about me sleeping in, being overly emotional, and almost everything that was a symptom of my depression...

I know how much it hurts to feel rejected by the people you need support from the most. The best advice I can offer reguarding these people is to try to make them understand. If they don't get it and don't try to make an effort to understand then they are toxic to your wellbeing and you don't need them.

I have a very hard time getting my boyfriend to understand what's in my head so I Googled "how to explain depression to a loved one" and I found some pretty good results. It's hard for people like me to put these things into words but other people are good at it.

I feel like it's very important you find someone to vent to so I'm glad you are here now. I use this place to vent too and there are so many caring people here with shared experiences and advice to offer. And, as goes with everyone, if you ever get that feeling you need to talk to someone now and can't wait for someone to read and reply to a post, feel free to message me.

I hope the best for you.

[Justswimming in reply to FixingThePineapple]

Well its hard to break from family I had same experience as a teenager and I wasn't diagnosed until 25 with major depression ...my family act like you can just snap out of it so I look for support where I can get drs therapists and group's I use things that help my mood like music and exercise is great for depression... But its something I have to manage just like someone with diabetes would have to ...my point is its great to try n make other people understand ..but if they don't ..don't let it hurt you..Have a great day!

[TheBuizel in reply to FixingThePineapple]

I wanted to write this yesterday, but I never got the chance to. Thank you Pineapple, from the bottom of my heart, for your comment. It brightened up my day when I felt like nobody was really going to care.

I wound up talking with my boyfriend and realized there may have been a little something going on. I got my feelings out, and he apologized for his words. (We're starting to think this friend of his may have biases against me, and would actually love to see my downfall! How lovely, right?) I guess it's really never something we really thought through or did enough research on as a couple to really figure out "this is how depression is like, I legitimately have it, this is what to expect, this is how to help and this is how not to help", and we've agreed that, if I ever wind up going beyond what he feels comfortable dealing with at the moment, he'd let me know.

I also wound up talking to my mother this morning and she told me she wasn't disappointed like I thought she was going to be. (She was a bit upset I didn't call her yesterday, but I can't really undo that...)

Unfortunately, I have a really difficult time getting myself to stop blaming myself... Maybe it's the horrendous lack of self-esteem I've got, but it's pretty much where my mind reverts to, every time... I mean, your words are logically sound, I really shouldn't blame myself for something completely out of my control, but it gets so difficult when, each time I do something wrong, my mind snaps back to "This is all your fault, you screwed this up, you can't do anything right"... I'm hoping the antidepressants take care of those thoughts, at least for long enough for a psychologist to fully psychoanalyze me and cure the issues that lead me to have thoughts like that on a daily basis.

I also thank you for your comment as well, Justswimming! However, the thing about me and exercise... Those negative thoughts keep intruding whenever I get the thought of it. You see, if you look at my physique, I'm a bit overweight, and when I run, I breathe a bit funny and walk/run a bit funny. This, combined with years of taunting throughout middle and high school physical fitness, and the depression/self-esteem issues that have lead me in this pit in the first place, has lead to me having a very difficult time motivating myself to get out and work out...

[FixingThePineapple in reply to TheBuizel]

I'm so glad that you talked to them and got everything off your chest. It can be a real eye-opening experience. Just saying out loud "I have depression" can feel comforting when you're so used to keeping it inside.

And I'm sorry you still have trouble with negative thoughts. People like us feel so guilty for being this way, but it'll get better. You are making the right decisions to overcome this and I hope you do soon!

[FixingThePineapple]

Gosh my comment was so long and I forgot the most important thing I had to say... STOP BLAMING YOURSELF! Please!

YOU are not the problem, YOU are not to blame. Do you blame a man in a wheelchair for having to take an elevator instead of the stairs? No, and you shouldn't blame yourself for having different needs than most. I have these thoughts a lot too and you cannot let yourself dwell in them. The stigma for illnesses like ours is slowly going away but there is still a majority of people who are ignorant. Please don't let these people get you down but try to open their minds to what is going on. Easier said than done, I know.

Anyways I'm sorry there so much lol but I truly want things to get better for you.

[Stopmycrazy in reply to FixingThePineapple]

Amen, no self blame! Btw, I am a total hypocrite on that one!

[Planner101]

I know what you mean. I was married and my husband literally told my mom you deal with her I can't handle her like this. And now I live with my mom who says she understands but seems lots of times frustrated when I start crying uncontrollably or having a panic attack. She feels that at my age and the type of person I use to be I can just get over it. It's so hard. This has interfered with my life so much