I'm new, don't know my way around the site yet, but here's my story.

[Mypoodle1122]

Good Morning:

I feel like I've been through, or am going through, most of what everyone here is dealing with. Since I'm new to the group I'll give you a short rundown of my life, and how mental illness has affected my world. First, my marriage went through the empty nest syndrome. My husband told me that he didn't want to be married anymore - we divorced. Same year, (15 years ago), the one person in my life that I was the closest to, my Dad, committed suicide. It was a Burney Maydolf (sp) situation and he lost everything. Suddenly, I felt totally alone (at 40 yrs old). I moved on, fell in security (different from love) and we moved to another state for his job (FL). Meanwhile, I'm leaving my two grown and terrific children.......basically everyone I knew, behind. Then around 5 years later my daughter told me "OVER THE PHONE" that my ex-husband had "talked her into having relations for the three years prior to her going off to college. Well, that was it..... nervous breakdown (while on depression meds). I just couldn't understand how I didn't see anything different or any signs. I just went to bed and thought about my life, over and over ... and cried uncontrollably. My husband took me in to see my shrink for help. There were no beds available in this whole city, so I went home with a boat load of sedatives. I resigned from my job and started drinking - a lot. For five years I snuck around the house hiding vodka and promptly started drinking from the hidden bottles (at 3:00pm) until my husband came home from work at 5:30 , the I switched to wine with dinner. At a regular exam (that our health insurance insist on, my liver count was 10 times higher than it should be. I haven't had a drink since. DT's were nothing compared to what I was accustomed to; mixing vodka and pain pills together. ..............

Skip forward to today. I'm pretty much a shut in. I have been home (VA) twice in 15 years just to hear that it is all in my head (no pun intended). No one has ever been inside our house except for workers in 15 yrs. My daughter of 37 is a charge nurse for an NICU in VA and acts like she is my mother. My son ignores mental illness period (most people do - including my husband and his family). My doctor has changed my medication so many times, I had to call the pharmacy to get the list. I am now taking Luvox, Alprazalam ER, Wellbutrin (for the OCD I hadn't mentioned above) and clonazepam. I still don't feel any different than I did 15 years ago. The only changes are the side effects associated with changing medications. We don't travel anymore, haven't eaten in a restaurant in 2 years, we don't have any friends, our marital relationship is like having a roommate that rarely talks.

I don't know what love feels like anymore. Maybe you can die of a broken heart.

Oh yeah, the girl/lady that started the semicolon project after her father committed suicide, took her own life a few weeks ago.

[Hidden]

Hi sms1961"

Wanted you to know I had read your story and to say welcome to you.

I'm so,sorry for your struggles. I do hope coming here and writing things down goes some way to helping. I know it helps me to write things down.

Thank you for sharing your story. Sorry I'm not much help.

Xxx

[Mypoodle1122 in reply to Hidden]

Sometimes it helps just to write, or say it out loud. The doctor is great, but in your 15 minutes he wants to know how the medicine is working. I've dealt with these issues for so long, I just wish the fourth quarter of my life could be happy.

[Hidden in reply to Mypoodle1122]

I'm glad it helps sometimes to write it down SMS.

I too wish for better times for you, xxx

[Hidden]

Hello. Whew......that was a lot to read and a little difficult to follow chronologically. But that doesn't matter. Hope writing about all that has happened was good for your soul and mind. Believe it, some members on this venue have had less difficult lives, and others, more difficult.

So glad you decided to write.

One thing that did stand out was that you have an addiction to alcohol, even if you haven't been drinking lately. And that you are on a lot of drugs. You say you don't have visiters. You didn't mention if you get out of the house very often.

To take a step in joining the world again, might be attending a local AA meeting even though you are dry now. Many people who have been sober for many years still participate in AA for a variety reasons, including insight into why they drank and how to deal with those feelings and situations. Its also a safe place to be accepted and welcomed.

I'm not a doctor, so really have no idea what your medications are doing for you at the moment, or if you receive any therapy to help you change the life you seem to want to change.....one step, one day at a time.

But there always seems to be someone, somewhere in the world, no matter what time of day, reading and replying to posts in this venue. You're lonely, but someone is always here to "listen", please write as much and often as you want. I wish your today is a little bit better than yesterday.....keep writing.

[Mypoodle1122]

No, I don't get out except for the necessities. Doctors, hairdresser and pet groomer. I didn't want to write a book but I also have agoraphobia, and germaphobia. I really don't like new people very much and I have no idea where the germ issue came from. I don't know how I let any of this get debilitating. I know that the problems started from bad events and not being able to let the situations go. Have you ever noticed that someone is always negative when you try to form friendships in crowds of people, or social functions. Everyone wants to give you a synopsis of their lives ...... just more unhappiness. I have tried AA. It's a wonderful program but I manage to take on others problems and obsess over them. I'm afraid I have such a boatload of issues that I'm considered "Mentally Disable" with the Social Security Department.

[Hidden in reply to Mypoodle1122]

Well, you just gave more excuses for not doing something that will help you.

So what if you're on Social Security Disability for mental health reasons? Other people in the US in this venue are too. Doesn't mean you aren't able to change your life, instead of finding reasons not to.

You "tried" AA, but took on other members issues. Go back, get a strong sponsor and attend daily meetings to help you benefit from AA. Work the program and its steps.

You say you don't like new people, but at this point, you are so isolated, anyone you meet is going to be new.

If you joined AA before, you know sobriety is key, but did you understand it helps members to learn how to live differently, how to deal with the past, and the present with life's challenges,.....and service is the heart of the organization.

Look, we care about you, and you can bend our ears any time you need to. However, if you always say "yes, but I can't", "yes, but I don't like", "yes, but I have this problem", "yes, but I tried that", "yes, but ...." basically you are saying you want someone else to make your life different. Only you can do that.

Please think about this, make a commitment to yourself that you are going to do one thing to make your life better. Then make another commitment, then another, then another, and another until you realize your life is better. We are your cheering section, we want you to be happier.

[Hidden]

Hi Burney Maydolf? Semi-colan project? Never heard of either of them so don't understand those. I guess you are from USA? There are folk here from all over the world including the UK.

Whatever the one thing you don't mention is whether you have ever or are having any counselling? Or what your diagnosis is? Depression or anything else as well?

I understand what you are saying but if you want to start feeling a bit better you need to do something to make it change. If you do nothing then you will get the same old same old. Do you want to be able to go out? Would you like to leave your husband?

I have read your story and it is horrifying what you have been through and I feel so much for you. Not sure what you want from the site - is it just to vent or to ask for your help and support? Whichever is fine of course.

Good to meet you and I hope you stick around if you want/need to. We all understand depression on here so you are no longer alone.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi lilaclil,

In the US a few years ago, Bernie Madoff was the head of a very major multi-million(billion $?) ponzi scheme that bankrupted many, many people and organizations that invested in it. Huge financial losses caused basically by a financial investment crook.

Have no idea what the semi-colon project was. Sometimes I feel I haven't kept up with everything. Hummmm.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Oh thank you. I did google it in the end coz I was curious.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Did you figure out what the other reference was about?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Yes but I have forgotten - doh. Will look it up again and let you have the link.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A7x...

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thanks I looked it up...sad irony.

[Kitty50]

I'm new here too and may not have much to add other than encouragement too. I feel like you...I thought I "fell in security" a few years ago but now all that is crumbling too. It's a horrible feeling to know you are not in love with the person you are struggling to live life with. But as they say here...find one thing you can do for yourself that is a change and do it. Right now it's this website, right? Do another thing tomorrow. Go for a short walk. Get out and breathe the fresh air. Find one thing each day that is good and makes you happy. Even if happy is not really happy. Even if it's just a little lessening of the darkness. You can do it.

[Blue_81 in reply to Kitty50]

I agree, any little step you take will lessen the darkness. Any baby steps you can take will eventually add to big steps. Take care.

[krpedm]

I have found exercise to be helpful, so long as one does it moderately. Take a walk or if available go for a swim. Ask your doctor about these avenues for relief.

[sweetiepye]

Hello Sms, I am glad you found our site which is usually a kind and supportive place. Occasionally you get a pit in your bowl of peaches as you seem to have done. I am sorry for that. I find it useless to respond to negative people,it takes away energy better used on yourself. Defending your choices and decisions is something you don't need to bother with unless you want to. You have had some rough experiences and I can see you are fighting to overcome them. There's no reason why you shouldn't be able to. In the past I had Panic attacks, anxiety , and agoraphobia. I was able to over come them through the use of medicine and therapy. If you like I can relate more of that experience. I suggest that you not take on all of your issues at once, but try one at a time. Getting yourself out of the house comfortably makes sense to me. You've taken some blows, but you will get yourself back if you're willing to work at it. Pam , who knows how alone it makes you feel.

[Hidden]

I completely sympathize with you. Reading your story was almost like telling mine. Depression and anxiety are a brutal mixture.

I am also a recovering alcoholic. I drank for five years and attempted to hide wine in my craft closet. Funny how I think I was hiding it, but never dawned on my that my husband would know because of my slurred speech, fumbling around the house, and inability to do anything productive.

I tried AA. It wasn't for me. It was depressing to hear the same stories over and over and the reminder of alcohol brought up in all the meetings. It works great for many, but not for me.

I've been in therapy for 8 years. I work from home so rarely leave my house unless I go to grocery store, run errands, or decide to shop.

My husband has depression as well and he also works from home. We have a great relationship, but my depression and anxiety do take a toll on him. We are both introverts and our families are full of mental illness. We have estranged ourselves from their toxicities, but they still manage to occasionally cause drama and bring up painful memories from the past.

I am on a pot load of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. Maxed out. Trying Rexulti for the past month...had great results for the first 2-3 weeks but it faded last week. I saw the psych on Monday and he increased the dosage. Hoping I will feel better in a couple of weeks.

Long post, but just want you to know that your story resinates with me. You are not alone.