I've been off of all meds for my anxiety and bipolar for 3 months, without my doctors approval.

[87Studyinghard87]

My name is Michael, and I currently live in Illinois. 3 months ago I stopped taking ALL of my medications. I felt I was being overly medicated and some of the symptoms that I continued having were worst than my actual anxiety and mania outbreaks. I've been diagnosed with bipolar and severe anxiety about 3 years ago. Prior to that diagnosis, I was misdiagnosed as a skitzoeffective disorder. I still to this day feel whenever I was in a situation where I was taking medication daily, which some actually did work for me, people constantly took advantage of my mental status and always used my medication as a crutch to emotionally and mentally abuse me. Those two reasons are why I am not on medication. Lately, I have been in another situation which I feel I need to talk about. I have been living in a hostile type situation and over the past six months it has not only caused me to quit the job that I loved, but I also started in with maladaptive type behaviors. Which has never been me. I have not been suicidile for years, and I thank God every day for that. However, the person I am living with, I know taunts me, plays mental games with me, and is just emotionally draining. I am kind of stuck here, as we have lived together for years, like 7 plus. I don't know if he has started to do these things to make me go back to the doctor to get on medication or if he is just really that horrible of a person that he wants me to go crazy and become the suicidle person I once was. I don't want to fool myself, so I will just go ahead and say I feel he just wants me to go crazy so that he can gain more control over me. I do my best daily to not give in, when I feel him creeping up on me, or I catch him going through my car or computer, etc. I know there is a very simple solution as to what to do, and it's leave, get out, run away from here, and him. However, I not in a financial position to do so, and have not been able to find any reaourcea here where I live. I also should mention I am an openly gay male and he is 30 plus years my senior. My family tells me all of this is my fault and I'm just making a big deal of nothing, but they aren't here daily to experience what I go through and the mental games that he plays with me. I am on my 3rd job I've quit in the past year, due to my anxiety and stress. I have little to no energy on most days to get out of bed, as I am constantly exauhsted from the mental games and emotional abuse. Which is slowly but surely turning my bipolar mania, into rage. Little things can trigger me and I've learned to manage them lately, to not give him a laugh at another hospital visit, or the upper hand. I don't want to be on medication, and my therapist I had seen once a week for months did nothing. I use community type health care, which is horrible here and lately I've just needed someone to talk to, as I don't want to continue and maladaptive type behavior in terms of drinking. I start my last year of classes in a week and I really don't want him to ruin my mood, as that's what has happened in the past. I know that him and him alone has caused my anxiety and my most recent diagnosis of bi-polar mania. What can I do and has anyone been through this before or dealt with such a trigger. I feel alone and have just two close friends. I want to smile again and be happy and find myself and be he fitness enthusiast that I once was. I just want to be me.

[BlueJay08]

If these two people are true friends then tell them what's going on and ask for help right away. They should help you out of that relationship, especially if money is the main bond. If they don't then that's revealing. I'm not sure what to do if you are stuck but I will think about it and if anything crosses my mind as a possible solution I'll post it right away.

[87Studyinghard87 in reply to BlueJay08]

Thank you, BlueJay08. Money isn't really the only bond. It's just at this point I have a financial bond. I guess it is hard for me to discern what his real motive is. However, regardless what it is, he is clearly making my disorders worst. You're right, if my two friends are my "true friends" they would help me out of this relationship. I guess I've never really asked before, as everyone is always under the impression that my life is perfect. Deep down it's not. At all. I am afraid to even cry in my own room. I've learned to hold in my emotions and I know it's probably not safe or even a sane thing to do, but it works for now. I have already started to plan my "Great Escape", and am hoping to finally leave all of this behind in the next few weeks to a month. I am almost to the point where I hate myself for allowing him to gain so much control over me, and to hinder my happiness. And most importantly, to cause so many unneeded mental issues. I don't know what I ever was thinking to be honest.

[blackcat64013 in reply to 87Studyinghard87]

I am thinking you cannot stay in the same accommodation. Seems to me that you are experiencing domestic violence through the controlling ways of the person you are sharing with.

I agree with BlueJay08 that your friends may be your best allies here if your parents are not supportive.

Consider

1. going back to a doctor for a total wellbeing review (you cannot have mental health without physical health). Your doctor should rule out any conditions that may mimic mental health symptoms.

2. seeing a psychiatrist for a medication review - my primary care giver did not consider the combination my mental health specialist prescribed (meds are sometimes the best way to get emotions back and to stop cycling into highs and lows)

3. continue to see a psychologist but if you feel you are not improving you may consider trying someone else with whom you have a better relationship.

[87Studyinghard87 in reply to blackcat64013]

You are right. I guess I find myself on here looking for help as I do have a doctor appointment coming up on Monday and it took me 2 months to get it. I just really really don't want to be on medication. I feel like whenever I am on the medication people take advantage of me in all ways, and I become a bad judgement of character. I hate that feeling because I am so nice, I tend to befriend almost everyone. I do think I will be searching for a new Psychiatrist and maybe a new primary care physician. I've just become so against medications. Also, it is soo soo annoying to deal with the highs and the lows. Thank you for listening.

[BlueJay08 in reply to 87Studyinghard87]

Hey buddy, it's not your fault someone else hurts you. Especially if your fragile and they are supposed to protect you! Please resist the feeling of hatred toward yourself. The mental issues are needed to be honest. They are the way of our minds coping or surviving unhealthy situations. I'm glad you're planning your escape. I think that it will help bring optimism and focus. Do you have the ability to safely see a doctor and take your medication? When you do take the medication does it put you in a vulnerable state that you're afraid of being in while around your mate? These are very important to answer honestly. If it becomes overwhelming during or after, please get help even if it's the E.R. One more thing, do you think talking to your doctor about your relationship may provide a source of potental relief?

[87Studyinghard87 in reply to BlueJay08]

BlueJay, When take the meds I am very vulnerable not only with my house mate here, but it seems like everyone I encounter tries to take advantage of me somehow. There are only a few meds that I felt comfortable taking, but I didn't think they were working and my doc has had me on so many different things, that it has prompted me to finding a new doctor. I would love optimism and to be able to focus. I can't wait to find myself. Every day I am closer and closer to gaining my independence. I am actually going to begin to find a new doctor today.

[Kobojunkie]

it is never a good thing to go off meds without doctor's. Consent. I think you need to go back to your doctor to find put if you are doing ok especially for someone who is supposedly bipolar.

Medicaid in illinois is bad but you can still get a good enough quality health care to help you get back on your feet and maybe away from the mundane which you seem to allow consume you. Any treatment is better than no treatment, if you ask me. if you need someone to talk to, that is what Therapist are there for.