I am50 years old came to this country because I had cancer , I was given4 weeks to live & my final wish was to see my sister who lived in USA . I was12 my choice was to live quietly with my sister or have surgery to study this 8 pound tomar to help others like me & save lives . My decision was to make a difference knowing I was going to die . I Only had 5 percent chance of living. my parents could not travel with me . I went to surgery 8 months of coma and I finally came out of it with kemo and other experimental meds. I got a secound chance . Oh I was happy but at the same time sadness came over me. . I was just a child I missed my mom& dad. I started looking at my life as a secound chance. I finished high school at 14 but I felt a big cloud over me. My sister moved and here I was all alone. My parents were. Not given visa to come. I worked days and nights I told everyone I was 18. Went to college married my friend because I wanted a family. Also I was told no children are in my future. The cloud stayed and my husband started having one affaire after another. I had no one to turn to. I accepted life as it was. I started having what I know now was extreme panick attacks depression because of my husband or he was having the affairs because I was depressed . I try attempting sudesid. I was ashamed I told no one and life continued. At the same time I was driven. Outside of the home I was a different person even with depression I put myself to work to build a life for myself . A Miricle happened I got pregnant. He took me to a doctor out of town for check up. When I woke up it was all over with . I was given abortion . I Did not know. I had twins. I went to a deep hole . Who was I going to tell . What was I going to do. No family and a man who looked at me as a secound class citizen. Life was hell. Till I got pregnant with a boy & few years later another boy. Both extremely premature. He was mentally abusive and made me fill like I was dirt. One depression after another but was the income of the family. I knew nothing about panick arracks , depression . Till the abuse came towards my children and he wanted to keep me working and Be mother of my children and have his lover around . I went to the doctor & told him about my depression I was too ashamed to talk about my life. It was hell. If I try to teach my kids my language he would make fun of us. My belonging was in the basemanr but I paid for the house the car his credit cards etc. the cloud became thicker. Till one day as I watched him hit the older boy in the shower I decided I can not continue any more. Kill myself or go. His parents were known in town he told me he would take the kids so it's better if I take my life. At that moment I packed up & left & the kids were grown enough they knew the secret life was all wrong. I left he did as he promised . This was the first time I understood the power of money and status. I understood prejudice. He took everything away . My home my kids my business. My16 year old ran away and moved in with me. I have had so much guilt to leave my12 year old behind. I fought for him with every thing I had , but I lost because I worked and the judge said he didn't work and can take care of my son. Kids need mom & dad . I went to therapy . I have layers and layers of issues and depration. I worked hard and fought all I could . I did not get my boy back till he was 16. I build a comfortable life for us I had $500.00 ,I send them to the best school. My entire life became them. I work hard but when I come home I just want to go to sleep. I hurt. By body hurts . I now have a beautiful partner. But I feel so guilty that he has a broken girl.i never resolved the past. Their is a dark loneliness in my heart. I missed out of my youth, I lost my parents & I miss them dearly. I have been belimic , I am in so much pain worse than when I had cancer. I would not trade my Miricle boys for anything . I am in therepy . I have to understand my past . In order to go forward. I have days I just want to stay in bed. I am ashamed of my life. How could I be so weak?am I going to be this way for the rest of my life. I am not a victim . How was I ok with that life? I cry often but I have learned to put a public face on. I am a successful business owner and people tell me how lucky I am . Am I ever going to be normal. I don't get angry at all. I have forgiven my ex so I can look forward not back. But I have to resolve the past to go forward . I am so tired . I am now mourning the loss of my kids. I am loosing hope. But I tell myself my kids need me. I need more help than I am getting. I don't know what I need . I just know I can not go on another day with the way I fell. Any ideas. I know this is so complicated . It's like a story I just want a happy ending. I try to pay forward make my mark on this planet, br kind , & give the love I have left . all we have is this life to make a difference . Any ideas.. hopeless in Midwest . Thank u I am so lucky to have found u all. My beautiful tribe!!
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