Nothingleft

I am50 years old came to this country because I had cancer , I was given4 weeks to live & my final wish was to see my sister who lived in USA . I was12 my choice was to live quietly with my sister or have surgery to study this 8 pound tomar to help others like me & save lives . My decision was to make a difference knowing I was going to die . I Only had 5 percent chance of living. my parents could not travel with me . I went to surgery 8 months of coma and I finally came out of it with kemo and other experimental meds. I got a secound chance . Oh I was happy but at the same time sadness came over me. . I was just a child I missed my mom& dad. I started looking at my life as a secound chance. I finished high school at 14 but I felt a big cloud over me. My sister moved and here I was all alone. My parents were. Not given visa to come. I worked days and nights I told everyone I was 18. Went to college married my friend because I wanted a family. Also I was told no children are in my future. The cloud stayed and my husband started having one affaire after another. I had no one to turn to. I accepted life as it was. I started having what I know now was extreme panick attacks depression because of my husband or he was having the affairs because I was depressed . I try attempting sudesid. I was ashamed I told no one and life continued. At the same time I was driven. Outside of the home I was a different person even with depression I put myself to work to build a life for myself . A Miricle happened I got pregnant. He took me to a doctor out of town for check up. When I woke up it was all over with . I was given abortion . I Did not know. I had twins. I went to a deep hole . Who was I going to tell . What was I going to do. No family and a man who looked at me as a secound class citizen. Life was hell. Till I got pregnant with a boy & few years later another boy. Both extremely premature. He was mentally abusive and made me fill like I was dirt. One depression after another but was the income of the family. I knew nothing about panick arracks , depression . Till the abuse came towards my children and he wanted to keep me working and Be mother of my children and have his lover around . I went to the doctor & told him about my depression I was too ashamed to talk about my life. It was hell. If I try to teach my kids my language he would make fun of us. My belonging was in the basemanr but I paid for the house the car his credit cards etc. the cloud became thicker. Till one day as I watched him hit the older boy in the shower I decided I can not continue any more. Kill myself or go. His parents were known in town he told me he would take the kids so it's better if I take my life. At that moment I packed up & left & the kids were grown enough they knew the secret life was all wrong. I left he did as he promised . This was the first time I understood the power of money and status. I understood prejudice. He took everything away . My home my kids my business. My16 year old ran away and moved in with me. I have had so much guilt to leave my12 year old behind. I fought for him with every thing I had , but I lost because I worked and the judge said he didn't work and can take care of my son. Kids need mom & dad . I went to therapy . I have layers and layers of issues and depration. I worked hard and fought all I could . I did not get my boy back till he was 16. I build a comfortable life for us I had $500.00 ,I send them to the best school. My entire life became them. I work hard but when I come home I just want to go to sleep. I hurt. By body hurts . I now have a beautiful partner. But I feel so guilty that he has a broken girl.i never resolved the past. Their is a dark loneliness in my heart. I missed out of my youth, I lost my parents & I miss them dearly. I have been belimic , I am in so much pain worse than when I had cancer. I would not trade my Miricle boys for anything . I am in therepy . I have to understand my past . In order to go forward. I have days I just want to stay in bed. I am ashamed of my life. How could I be so weak?am I going to be this way for the rest of my life. I am not a victim . How was I ok with that life? I cry often but I have learned to put a public face on. I am a successful business owner and people tell me how lucky I am . Am I ever going to be normal. I don't get angry at all. I have forgiven my ex so I can look forward not back. But I have to resolve the past to go forward . I am so tired . I am now mourning the loss of my kids. I am loosing hope. But I tell myself my kids need me. I need more help than I am getting. I don't know what I need . I just know I can not go on another day with the way I fell. Any ideas. I know this is so complicated . It's like a story I just want a happy ending. I try to pay forward make my mark on this planet, br kind , & give the love I have left . all we have is this life to make a difference . Any ideas.. hopeless in Midwest . Thank u I am so lucky to have found u all. My beautiful tribe!!

10 Replies

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  • Your story is one filled with sadness and despair, I too had some terrible situations during my life but yours sound so heart wrenching, you truly are an inspiration, you have gone through so much alone, but look at you, your an amazing individual, you have experienced more sadness than many but yet you still managed to try an pick yourself up an battled.on for the sake of your children, you should be proud of this achievement, you should be proud that even those who were so cruel to you couldn't stop you from achieving the things you have, you lived through it all and are still here to tell your story, your nothing short of a hero, don't ever feel bad for the life you suffered, it's not your fault that you were dealt such a bad hand, you coped the best you could at that time, thank god you got through it all alive xxxx

  • Suzie 482, thank u for your reply, I know my setuation was insane but I keep thinking I was given a secound chance for a reason? I know some people have it worse than me. To me unfairness is unfairness . I am sorry to hear that you also have experience some horrible setuarion in your life. U did not deserve that. You deserve the life you imagined to have. You deserve, love, kindness, happiness. I don't know why I was given a secound chance to live and it seems like god wanted me to earn every moment. I think their is so much beauty in the world & also crulness. I choose to take every moment and make a positive difference In all the people that cross my jurny. U call me a hero, I am far away from that. Look within yourself and u will see that hero . U have no idea your kind words made a difference in my life.i know now my job is to empower myself and others to make a difference in other people's life. It's amazing how powerful we can be. We all are somehow wounded . We can count on ourselves and each other to go forward & not only survive but thrive. I call u all my tribe. I neve shared anything about my life to anyone. I wish I knew what U went through. What was horrible? You come across as extremely loving and caring & compassionate. You experience was horrible yet your heart is strong and caring. Your are the hero.look within u. I wish I knew more about your experience. Wishing u a beautiful day ⭐️Each day is a gift Thank u Susie

  • Hi I had tears in my eyes when I read your post. My how you have suffered and I don't know how you ever coped with it all. You must be very strong as it would have broken most of us.

    All I can say is keep on with your counselling as this is your time now. Your time to relax and enjoy life and much better late than never. You are still young and have many years yet to be happy so keep working towards this.

    I wish you only the best.

  • Thank u Lilaclil . Thank u for wishing me good wishes, for your kind and incouraging words & support. Thank u for being their and reaching out to me. Wow I am blown away by the support. I have learned not to ever expect anything . You are the best I bow my head to u!!! May the sun always shine upon u !!!!

  • Aw bless you Cameron. I appreciate that thank you. I always think the best people in life are those who have known great adversity yet still come through intact and not let it make them bitter or hateful. I salute you, xx

  • What an outstanding woman you are!! Even though you aren't perfect and you could have done better I still say you are outstanding! Do you understand what I'm saying? We all hear a compliment and then we might think of the times when we don't deserve it...but did we really have the skills and the knowledge to change our circumstances at that time??...or is looking back at our failings easier than making changes at that time in the past that we think we didn't act when we should have? I believe we did our best with what we had at the time, and that we acted as soon as we were able and had what we needed to act and change our circumstances. Therefore you are an outstanding woman!! Yes, oh yes!!!

    Now you say you're mourning your sons. The last I heard you had them with you, so what has happened to them? I would really like to know. And for yourself, I believe you should stay in therapy, probably the rest of your life and you'll steadily grow out of your feelings of discomfort and into a much more comfortable place to be with yourself.

  • Thank u for caring , u asked why I am mourning my twins , when I became pregnant at the beginning my ex husband took me to a different doctor for a check up , I remember being so confused and out of it during that trip. I had some ice tea , we got to the doctor I went to a room & then I woke up & he told me that I lost the babies. That's when I was told by the doctor I had twins . Yes u heard me right . I was given an abortion without my knowledge . U aske & I have too how in the hell ciuld I have gone through such a thing TRUST! Yes I trusted him . As I sit and think about the past I remember not being with it on the way their . I went to a deep. Deep depressionafter all that happening .he planed it out and execute it . I asked once and he said it just happened . yes I trusted him fully & compleatly , it was a lie . But what can I say can I change the past ? I miss them but I have the 2 most loving caring boys ever. They are my life. They have gone through hell & back with their father as I have . Yes we do the best we can with everything we have . I am my children's Rock & support . Yes I do deal with anxiety & depression, but I am noticing everyone at some point or another deals with that & it's part of life. I am learning we should take our strength to help each other and take time to work on our weaknesses . My goal in life is now to become a helping hand to anyone I cross path with . I take time with everyone , I make sure I am sincere. Smile , compliment when it due, help where I can make somebody's day , pay forward, buy someone's lunch , cofee, pack up water & drinks and give them to high way workers . Anything I can do to help I will do. I am being selfish now . I am noticing seeing smiles and making someone's day makes me happy & makes me feel good . It's amazing that I found people like u. I am soooo blessed. My life is changing , I want us all to do something good for every bad thing that has happen to us . You are amazing with every word u say. I know I will never be perfect & I have wounds, who doesn't ? Bonnie u complimented me at immidiatly I thought I don't deserve it! I do my best that I can . But the more I thought about what u said , you are right with everything u said . I am Amazed !!! Thank u! U made a difference in my being , I now know my mission much more clear . I will be fine , yes I will have good and bad days . We have only full control of only us . One person can change lives . U did, thank u thank u my sister ! You have a beautiful siul❤️

  • Lovely Cameron1:

    It sounds like you have plenty of reasons to have developed panic attacks, but it also sounds like you life is on track now. Maybe try to not think about how you are feeling and think about the things around you that are giving you joy. Let go of trying to fight the anxiety and ignor it. It takes lots of practice, but this method works great for me. The panic can only live if you recognize it and think about it. If you say to it "do your worse, I have a family to enjoy right now",'it goes away. Good luck. I'm sending you love and support. God will keep you.

  • Dear dear Cameron,

    How wonderfully you have taken bad things and transform them into good things and then beautiful things!! You are truly blessed as you say. And I hope you continue to bless others just as you describe! You have grown in leaps and bounds from the gravely wounded woman to the one who greatly blesses the unsuspecting everyday person! What a gift you are to these many people! I hope your family continues to be greatly blessed and also inspires your lucky recipients of your gifts to turn and gift others who in turn pass their blessings on and on. What an awesome chain of events that will be.

  • Thank u Bonnie sue . I am humbled. as I came to this sight thinking I am broken I read how broken we all are at one time or another . We do the best we can. I realized . I am in Charge . The past is gone, thank u for keeping me up . I don't see myself the way you describe me. But we are all special and each have something wonderful to offer each other . Love and supper & experience . Thanks for giving so freely . Pass it on . You are a true angel with a beautiful soul. I will go on , I will fight myanxiery. I have no regress's . I wish I would have got to see my strength sooner . Never too late ha? God bless u!!

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