I'm going to echo a lot of sentiments in previous posts here. But this one is my own. I'm reaching out for the first time and finally admitting to myself that I need help. I'm a strong, independent woman. I've battled with some anxiety in the past, but it was only recently I started to feel myself slide into something darker.
I have what most would consider a terrific job and great career, a nice apartment, great friends and an overall privileged life. I've made a move recently that uprooted me from some of my previous support system, but it's something I've handled before without issue. Most people, including my close friends, would probably look at me and think I have my shit together. I don't. Or at least I feel like I don't.
Lately, I've been feeling hallow. Like everything is just muted and dulled. No big highs, but also no real lows. I've felt insecure and inadequate in a way I never did before. Like I'm not good enough for this job I have. Like everyone has made a mistake and I'm not talented enough to do what I do.
I'm also unmotivated outside of work on a level I've never experienced. Things that previously brought me great joy don't anymore. I have always been a very active person, and lately, I have lost all motivation to exercise or get outside or enjoy the activities I used to - even though I know it's exactly those things that help combat my depression. But, yet, I can't bring myself to do them. And when I do get out to exercise I have no motivation to push hard.
It's all been building. Then, this weekend I locked myself in my apartment for almost the entirety of the 48 hours. I went out with coworkers on Friday (something I forced myself to do to try to be out and "normal" and social), and I drank too much. I woke up Saturday ashamed and embarrassed. Crippled with shame that outweighed my hangover, I couldn't bring myself to face the day. I kept telling myself to get up, only to stay in bed a little longer. I stayed there until I watched the sunlight fade to darkness. I canceled plans with a friend and I lied because I couldn't face the day or her.
I told myself Sunday would be better. And it was. Slightly. I managed to get out of bed and in the shower, a task that was far more difficult than it should have been. I also managed to get out of the house for a walk, but even being outside didn't feel as good as it usually does. As soon as I left, I craved the comfort of my apartment again. I returned, only an hour or so later, utterly exhausted by the short outing (I used to run marathons, so an hour walk should not tire me this way).
This morning I could barely motivate myself to get up and out the door for work. Something I've rarely had a problem with before. A voice in my head was pulling me back under the covers where I could watch Netflix from the safety of my own personal prison. By setting small goals, I was able to go step by step until I got out the door. Once at work, I felt better, having something to distract me from my own gloomy clouds, but still everything felt flat.
I know I need help. But anti depressants and their side effects scare me. I also don't even know where to start in terms of looking for a therapist. I want to get back to the happier, more fulfilled me. The one who had lows, but could manage them, and still felt the highs. Right now it's like one even, low note.
I haven't been drinking (I never had a problem in the past, I was always a good social drinker). But lately it seems any time I do drink, it spirals quickly out of control and I react to the alcohol in a way I never did previously. I hate it.
My body is sore and my mind numb. Will I find the wind to blow me back to better seas? How do I do that? Where do I start?