Crummy Holiday as Usual

[Kakee83]

First off, I was supposed to go to Church on Easter, but I did not want to get up. I have lately been using my weekends to just stay in the bed and sleep/relax all day. Also, because I had to stay at work late on Thursday and come in early on Friday, I was extra tired. Also, during the week I typically go to bed early, because I am so tired when I get home from work and I don't want to do anything but sleep (working with young children takes a lot out of you). I was also supposed to meet with the trainer for my certification on Saturday, but I was up all night on Friday and had to cancel with her.

Anyway, I ended up going to my mom's house after I woke up to wash some clothes before my husband, sister, and nephews were supposed come over there for a nice meal. As soon as I walked in the door of my mom's house, she was complaining​ as usual (I have been trying to limit contact with my mom because of her constant negativity). When I wished her a happy Easter my mom told me that the house is a wreck, she didn't feel well and that she didn't want anyone over. My mom questioned why I was there "so Early" (It was 11:30 AM and I told my mom that my husband and I would be there at 1:30 PM before hand). When I told my mom that I wanted to wash clothes before my sister and husband arrive, she told me that I'm going to break the washer. I haven't washed clothes in several weeks because I dread going to my mom's and I don't want to take anymore negativity from her. The washer and dryer in my husband's and my apartment barely works and is costly. Going to the laundry mat is also very inconvenient and costly. My mom gets extremely negative and upset, especially on holidays and she tends to take it out on me. I don't even like going over there to her house anymore nor talking on the phone with her because of her constant negativity.

Moving on, my mom told me to make the casserole that I wanted for dinner, so I mixed the ingredients half heatedly. My mom told me that I was doing it all wrong, that nobody will want to eat the food that I was making and that she'll have to throw it away. I told her that the food all goes in the same place and that I will eat it because I wanted the casserole in the first place. My mom then questioned the fact that I need to take cooking classes and that I don't cook for my husband. I told my mom that my husband and I eat different things and that I am too tired to cook working full time. When I wasn't working I was cooking meals for me and my husband.

After a couple of hours, my sister arrives with my nephews. One of my nephews got the same book from my mom that my sister bought him and of course there was an argument. Then my other nephew was crying non stop because he didn't feel good. On top of that, no food was prepared. When my husband came over, he cooked all of our Easter dinner and because of him we had a nice meal. Meanwhile, I was going through my childhood dolls and my mom and sister decided to let my nephew play with one without even asking me (my sister used to take things from me as a child without even asking me and would ruin them or not give them back).

Hours later, my other nephew was still crying non stop which is atypical for him. He even cried himself to sleep at one point. Nobody seemed to care. I addressed this issue with my husband and said that my nephew desparately needs something to comfort him badly (After learning that he has been having loose stools and is possibly teething). An hour later, my nephew wakes up from his nap still crying non stop. Finally I say to my sister "take care of your baby!" Of course, my mom told me that what I said was mean and because I couldn't take being at my mom's anymore, I left. Now, my sister is mad at me because my mom said that what I said angered and hurt her. I don't get it. It's not like I said that she was a bad parent or anything. I just was worried for my nephew crying so much and nobody was doing anything about it. My mom called me 3 times when I got home and I explained to her how I felt (she of course turned everything around and through it back in my face. I ended up apologizing to my sister for what I said out of guilt. I always have dreaded get togethers with my family and I really can't be around my mom's negativity. My husband was the only one who made my holiday and for that I am grateful. So much for everything else.

[Hidden]

Oh dear this sounded like a typical day in the life of my family. Unfortunately you can't change your mums negativity so the only thing you can do is change is your attitude to it. Everyone in a family has their 'ordained' place in it and the patterns are usually set in childhood.

My mother was very negative too and my family role was to be blamed for everything and to be slagged off. I was considered clumsy, like my father (all negative because she hated him), a trouble maker etc. I was none of those things and realised it when I went out into the world and grew up. I moved many miles away when young and remember once in my 20's visiting when I was visiting and hadn't had time to do my washing and asking to use mums machine. She flew into a rage and refused using it as a chance to have a right go at me.. I never asked again. Don't ask her in future because it obviously gives her a chance to have a dig at you. Don't forget the cost of her electricity and water etc. is expensive and costing her money. Make your own arrangements even though it costs you more. Don't rely on her for anything.

The way I found to deal with my family was to use humour. I detached myself from the arguments and pettiness and turned remarks into a joke instead or changed the subject and so on. If she has a dig at you about not cooking etc. don't try and explain just either say 'He is big enough to cook for himself' or make a joke or something. In other words don't participate in her negativity and rise above it. It will make life a lot easier for you.

Having said that I lost my mother 4 years ago now and I would give anything to have her back complaining and having a go at me!

[Kakee83 in reply to Hidden]

From now on, I am going to go to the laundromat. It's so difficult to rise above my mom's negativity especially because I dealt with it for so long. I love my mom deeply but I am trying very hard not to let her negativity get to me so much. Thanks for your advice, lilacil and for sharing your story in regards to the matter.

[Hidden in reply to Kakee83]

No it's not easy Kakee83 but you have to start doing it for your own protection. It does get easier in time believe me.