living in the bipolar world

[pawhuska]

pawhuska

pawhuska

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hey yall im new to the site im excited to meet others like me ive lived with bipolar disorder since i was 10 ,53 now ive been on meds since i was 36 when i was dx`d bipolar 1 ultra ultra cycling with mix`d episodes ,adha,ptsd and panic disorder..never a dull moment lol, Mania has been a driving force behind all the trouble ive been in jails prizons detox centers treatment centers and mental wards ive tried to end it a couple times ..i didn't and don't wanna die i just want it to stop i tend to be very impulsive the things ive done and seen have been ...bad , i can say today im better than ive ever been i i attended na/aa for almost 20 yrs before i found out what was really the problem .when i did i cried for joy ,..finally an answer to why i was like i was the things i did , my story starts with a broken home a step dad that was very mean a real dad i knew 6mos out of 53 yrs ,mom was major depressive and my father was schizophrenic sooo it was kinda in the books for me to be broken, i still have my days .both good and bad ,.. i know what i need do to,,take my MEDS like im supposed to ,get plenty of sleep avoid things that can set me off, Know my triggers ask for help ,i can say the best way to help yourself ...is to help someone else soooo i hope to meet some new friends that knows whats goin on if i can help in anyway pls ask thanks ..... remember the best way to help your self is to help someone else pawhuska

heres a example that says how i feel sometime this is my theme

song

looking out from the inside of my brain by doug reed or the old me Drug weed lol the fishbowl was another name for my mind its always been seen from the outside what they see on the surface but they have no idea what its like to be trapped by your brain ,by your impulses you must always be on guard at all times lest the deceptive part of me that is mania the bane of my existence rears it ugly head and causes me so much trouble. today is better but still freeky at times my biggest fear is the stigma thats attachd to bipolar disorder and to whatever we do is measured by the mania scale get upset you must be:manic your happy must be hypo manic ...i wish .ur constipated ...your having a mixd episode .lol the roller coaster ride begins the highs are soooo high emoticon surprised)and the lows terrible bottom emoticon surprised( ,trying to recover from your own self hell the constant unknown ...is this really real or am i just confused again ,they say i don't know what im thinking is what is real or not ...sometimes i don't but not all the time that's whats so frustrating everything i do or say is suspect and it just hurts sooo much!trying to over come something you have no control of and being misunderstood ....once again it becomes like a millstone around my neck i wish i could jump in to the sea

sometimes it just hurts so bad knowing you wont be taken seriously because of something that's out of your body out of your control ..people l look at you and and see what appears to be a normal human being till he has a (moment)and all the good that's been built up shatters ...again...when oh when will it ever end what did i do to deserve this curse ??i don't wish harm to anyone im very happy to be of help ...there were so many that help`d me get thus far and though it may seem the darkest black sometimes.. it still better than it used to be ..im not ungrateful for my life i never wanted to die i just wanted (it) to stop hurting just a little peace that's not to much to ask for is it? thanks for reading be well and be kind.... hoping beyond hope doug is a conundrum wrapped up in an enigma.

sometimes i get so frustrated with people who dont try to understand and then comes being misunderstood

why is it a person docent see the forest for the trees ...(refusal to have compassion and empathy \ think.. were all fighting battles weather mentally ill or not so why not help each other get over the fear of the unknown then we all win

ive been thru the mill starting early join`d the military at 18 the judge gave a choice of go to prizon or military ,,had to go thru boot twice becuse our company commander was smokin weed with us then ..i had gotten in so much trouble i was introuble constantly i went before the capn for non judical punishment i had 45 counts aginst me i beat up the officer of the deck then did 13 hits of acid and burn`d our barracks ...it seem`d to be the thing to do that cost me 4yrs of my life at hard labor ,then 2 detox centers and 3 treatment centers 3 psch wards tried to end it a couple of times i never wanted to die i just wanted it to stop those are just the high points there`s been alotta bad more bad than good till i was put on meds ive battled this since i was 10 that's when it kick`d into high gear didnt know what was wrong with me till i was 36 im 53 now and still alive thanks to many friends and family who`ve help`d me along the way

ive been fighting this battle for 44 yrs now ..its been a uphill and down hill battle maina has caused me sooo much trouble ..and with depression and all that brings for 36 yrs i thought i was crazy did all manner of crazy $hit then i relized i need help and ask`d for it and life started to get better i was put on meds and everything changed i actully quit drinking and smoking ciggs both were a 33 yr habit i still have bad days but no where near as bad as it used to be ..i was givin some tools to help keep me in a good place ie.meds, plenty of sleep, being be aware of and avoid my triggers ,ask for help when i need it ,try and share and help others ,remember to be kind to your self and others we all have battles to be fought! remember the best way to help yourself is to help someone else

[BonnieSue]

So glad you have bipolar meds and such a good philosophy for life. Glad you are finding life a little easier with the meds and the diagnosis made now and love your saying that helping others helps you. Great steps forward for you and less pain and suffering. I hope you keep growing as a person and your self-knowledge grows and you continue to be in less pain than in the past. Less suffering would be a great thing, too. You've had enough!!

You mentioned a problem with impulsiveness and that fits with the ADD problem. Possibly you're ADHD, I don't know. But impulsivity is at the heart of either one. You are born with these problems, you don't create them. The same for the bipolar state. You just do the best you can with them.