I don't know how to start this and its going to be a mess, just like my life, but have to start somewhere. I had to give training today to small groups of people at a relatively new job that I really care about and did not have the preparation in place I needed to feel prepared and felt like it was a disaster (it pretty much was), seemed like my boss was disappointed in the way it went, seemed like a lot of people were let down meeting me and I had a hard time talking to anyone, kind of went and sat alone in the doorway of my cubicle while a lot of other people met and talked normally, I failed to hold conversations for more than 3-4 sentences like normal, and made excuses to go home and watch my kids after, feeling like killing myself the whole way home, when everyone else out went to a company dinner to socialize and drink (I actually did have to watch my kids but could have actually tried to find a babysitter instead of making excuses). I also quit drinking 2 months ago because I can't make reasonable boundaries and went way over the edge (went drinking by myself) on a work trip, shattering a new phone, leaving behind my credit card, blacking out, oversleeping the next day, could have been a lot worse, but I have been blacking out for 5-10 years now when I drink .. Terrible I know. So anyway I quit drinking for good after about 10+ years of making terrible choices. I went a little crazy not drinking for the last couple months, because I miss the escape, have been very irritable, etc. lately (last few months) I've felt very depressed and off and feel like I can't hide from the fact that I've had pretty much no real friends most of my life and feel like a complete failure at everything despite having a wife, 2 kids and a house, a nice job, etc, and I constantly think about these things. I'm just so sick of being me. I know people hate having to talk to me, they are nice to my face but most of them think I'm super weird, which is okay, I guess they are not wrong, and people yawn constantly when talking to me for more than 5 seconds because I talk in a monotone and boringly I guess, and I confuse people a lot and am terrible at small talk or any conversation that's not about myself. I hate who I am every day. I've had such a good life at certain times and been able to deal with these problems somehow, playing in bands, owning a business doing technical work, holding down jobs, pretending I am okay, not sure how I've done it this long. I tell my wife about it sometimes and she says I should see a therapist and look into medication to see if anything will work. At least she is not going to leave me for talking about it. But it is SO tiring being me sometimes. I try to imagine something that will make me happy, to set goals, and I used to be able to, but now I feel like I can finish a project, I can't get any enjoyment from anything, for the last few years especially. Maybe I'm just getting old (turning 36 this year.. should be the best time of my life really) and all this anxiety is starting to wear my body down and make me not feel like a kid anymore. I have had pains in my stomach since my 20s from having to go to work, and have felt physical pain from my anxiety for just about 20 years now. Plus both my parents died of cancer in their early 60's, within the last 6 years, my dad about 2.5 years ago. So I constantly feel like I'm dying also, and imagine myself skinny and dying in my hospital bed like my dad before he passed, and my kids coming to see me, and then dying and people forgetting about me pretty quickly because I was not a very memorable person, just weird, quiet and nerdy. As much as I have a good life, I hate being me. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever have friends again or enjoy anything. I feel so sad I can't even cry, and wish I could, to try and feel better. Just feel a big hole in my chest where my heart should be. I constantly envision killing myself but would never do that to my wife or kids or family because I love them. I hope somebody reads this and it helps them not feel so alone.