My new life dealing with ptsd severe anxiety and severe depression

I wake up every day expecting it to be a dream I went from living the "American dream" to bam my past has came back to haunt me 20 years later now I don't want to leave my house I can't stand loud noises I don't enjoy doing anything I've lost my job I have almost committed suicide 3 times in a month and I hear voices in my head and also have haulsinations as well.

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  • I am sorry. It sounds like some regrets have caused you pain, and you have been ruminating. I know what this is like. There is no pep talk or anything. I am curious- did something happen twenty years ago that was very traumatic? I hope that you can see a physician since you have been suicidal and have hallucinations. You mention that you have a house so that is a relief.

  • Yes I was sexually abused by my neighbor who my belligerent alcoholic mother was having an affair with. And was physically and emotionally abused by her.

  • The next time you think about suicide call one or both of these numbers..PLEASE: 1.800.273.8255 and 1.800.784.2433. Someone will answer who will be glad to talk to you and I think you will be glad to talk to them.

    We do not want to lose you so please don't leave us. Come tell us how bad you feel, it's okay! Talk to me...I just may understand how you feel. I've wished I could die, too. Many times over and over. I had a plan on how I would die. But I don't feel like that today. And I'm glad I'm here today. So let me listen to you...right now.

    I'll come back and see if you've left a message if I'm not here when you are. If you call the numbers above, someone will be there. That's more than I can do. Call them. I care about you but I can't be here all around the clock. But I can be here when you and I arrange it. Try me if you want to see if I will stand by you. Because I know I will. You are worth it. You can feel good again. Really good, I promise. If I could, you could. I'm nobody special. I'm just like you. Give yourself a chance.

  • Thank you Bonnie sue I'm seeing a therapist and part of my "homework" this week is to come up with a crisis management plan which involves what steps I will take when things get to my breaking point I have not been left alone in over two weeks my step mom won't leave me because she's scared. But Im getting my plan together and I will include this number and maybe that will make her feel safe. Because I do hear voices and when they get loud sometimes just talking to someone who has had some of the same type of thoughts can help a lot thank you so much

  • Oh my gosh- I am so sorry. Thank goodness you have your step mom . I know we are supposed to have family at our backs - after all if we don't have them then who? I am glad that you are seeing a therapist, but sometimes that is not enough. I am here- I have had depression mainly because of regrets and guilt for a long long time. I do see a therapist who is like a cheerleader. I know we cannot fix what happened in the past intellectually, but we were not born yesterday either. You are a valuable person.

  • Thank you gogogirl I love my therapist she is a blessing but I do believe it helps to talk to peers who have endured the same type of situations to help you over come what you are going through.

  • If you want to talk I'm a good listener. Depression is not fun and even though family and friends say they understand most of them really don't. So it's hard to relate to them.

  • I need to go now, but I will be back later for you to listen. Thank you so much.

  • Will you be available around four PM or at least this evening?

  • What time zone are you on?

  • Yes I would be available around 730 this evening eastern time? Would that be a good time for you?

  • Yes, that sounds good. Thank you.

  • No problem look forward to hearing from you

  • Same here.

  • Am I a little early? One clock in the house says 7:30, . I remember you said you were a good listener. Are u there?

  • Yes I'm here how are you gogogirl

  • I might be a little early , but here I am.

  • I'm here too

  • Check your chat

  • Sorry, but what is chat? Is this it?

  • The message bubbles I sent you a message thinking it maybe easier for us to talk back and forth

  • Am I doing this right, or is this something else I should be doing? Sorry, other than some word, and e mail, I do not do computors much. No social media.

  • No your fine and don't get down on yourself. I think everyone at some point had got scammed. Do you want to say what exactly happened?

  • I will try. Let's put it this way. Buyer's remorse - was rushed and taken advantage of- have felt uneasy and very silly since then, and much more withdrawn. Maybe as we communicate, I will try to let it out more. Thank you for asking. I am not making excuses, but I have felt very mixed up. I know I am not a victim, but I feel very guilty like I was not myself. I feel so naive- maybe I always was. That's the self doubt part talking.

  • Are you still there?

  • Yes I'm still here

  • I am okay, but ruminating about something that happened to me about fifteen years ago. I was scammed- not on the internet. I feel so foolish, and know that I cannot go back in time.

  • Are you still here go-go girl?

  • Yes- yes I am- - I meant to ask- how are you doing?

  • I am OK I suppose I have had a somewhat rough evening but I'm trying to do what I can to take my mind off of things

  • Sorry you had a rough evening.. I am about to let something out. Would you like to talk about what's going on? I am glad you are trying to take your mind to a different direction.

  • Yes I'm a good listener

  • Would you like to talk about what happened to cause you to have a rough evening?

    Okay, here goes. I got caught up in excitement, and got scammed into some property- it's been gone a long time. Phew. Will you still be here after I let that out? There goes my self doubt again.

  • Yes I am still here and I want you to understand I hold no judgement towards you so you can tell me anything

  • Wow, that means a lot, and right back at you. I hold no judgements either. I sometimes feel like I owe society- isn't that strange? I mean It's like making up for what happened. Sometimes I feel so violated by this. It certainly makes one more cynical. You sound like a good person.

  • This is wierd- here I am just typing- and my breath quickened, as I am getting ready to let something out.

    Maybe this is a signal, that I need to let out more of my feelings about this.

  • Sometimes letting your feelings out helps.

  • I just released something to you, and look I can still breathe. I sometimes have nightmares, but I also know that is the anxiety. I am not making excuses, but the scam hit when I was vulnerable- my dad had passed, and I was feeling really low. I know this does not define the whole me, but sometimes, it ( the scam) passes in my mind, and I just start breathing faster.

  • Can I tell you about the time I got scammed?

  • Of course. You're right- it helps to let out feelings, and I am here.

  • When I was 17 my mom died and my "friend" asked me to cash a check for her and I was cashing checks for her left and right for anywhere from 1-300 dollars a week for about four months and I was young and naive and didn't know any better and come to find out the bank that she had didn't exist

  • Oh, I am so sorry, and sorry that you "ran" into a "friend" like that. I hope that it helped to let that out. I was about fifty, and am normally careful, so I feel even sillier since I was older. I find this so hard to think about that I sometimes block. I am still me, but I have changed since then. Thank you for sharing by the way. It takes a lot of courage to share.

  • Would you like to share details? I am so sorry that happened to you.

  • I have heard that internet scams are common also.

  • Yes they are for sure. I don't shop online.

  • I do not do that , bank or pay bills online- too risky. After that happened with me, a family member called me immature and naive. I guess I deserve that.

  • No you just have been taken advantage of. And that's not your fault.

  • You were taken advantage of also. Someone tried to sell us something last week. When , I said no way, the guy on the other end of the telephone yelled at me. That felt good on my end. I can never forget what that therapist said. My family member and I see each other once in awhile, but he looks down on me- not in the same class- I should have been smarter.

  • You should look at it like I do and say you learned from your mistake and it made you stronger because of it

  • Thank you, but what a price especially when you are older. Part of the problem is this: My guilt at being caught in the excitement - like I was in a change. I know it's hard to describe. At that time, I had a distant relationship with this same family member- yes, even then- and again, that is no excuse , but perhaps that caused more vulnerability. And get this: I am normally not a person who asks for too much- at least I hope I am not. I will bet that you have become stronger also- but you were not caught in excitement- instead it sounds like you just thought you were doing a friend a favor. Hey, when we're teenagers, that is another whole story.

  • Can I ask are you a spiritual person?

  • When it comes to caring for the animals and the Earth and trying to help others. I have been a vegetarian for decades also. I live in the present, but sometimes these ruminations get to me, and I spiral. How about yourself?

  • I believe in talking in just this short amount of time you are a good person who has made some mistakes but has probably made up for those mistakes two fold in other ways of helping others along the way.

  • I just saw this post, and I can tell that you are a good person also, but that you have had some real traumas in your life which you are working on, and you are very brave. Remember, I am here to listen as well.

  • A former therapist I saw some years back said that I was not a victim, and that it was my fault. I have not seen her in years.

  • Yeah that doesn't sound very supportive at all.

  • Oh man- now I might pick up steam. Maybe I need this. I called a warm line last week, and the man on the other end( without me telling him the story) said that regrets will kill ya!

    I liked the way he spoke - plain spoken. I think the former therapist was trying to scold me- after I was scolding myself. She said I wasn't totally responsible, but definitely culpable. Then after all of that - she told me to move forward, and slammed my arm in her door.

  • I think I am ready to let more out. My therapist knows part of this, but she is so direct- we sometimes talk about other issues, and talk around this one.

  • Due to this, I am less open with my current therapist.

  • Is your new therapist supportive?

  • How are you doing after all that

  • You are fine remember nobody is perfect!

  • Thank you. Plus, after that happened- and I thought about some other criticism that this same family member had given me- that I did not have my feet on the ground career wise and I live in a fantasy world. He also called me a useless piece of sh-t ( that was before the scam.). I was not a great fit in my original career.

    You are fine also. I am not feeling sorry for myself, but some tears came to my eyes.

  • And as far as the people in your life who keep putting you down you don't need that negativity in your life. I know it's easier said then done with family especially but it's true. It will help if you can separate yourself from them altogether

  • I wanted to say that I am finding this to be helpful. And you?

  • Yes me too

  • I am going to split now- unless you wanted to share something else. I hope we can talk again soon.

  • OK ttyl

  • Thank you again. You are very good at listening, and if want to share more another time, I will listen more to you as well.

  • Thanks!

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