My new life dealing with ptsd severe ... - Anxiety and Depre...

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My new life dealing with ptsd severe anxiety and severe depression

Kdkbol2005 profile image
70 Replies

I wake up every day expecting it to be a dream I went from living the "American dream" to bam my past has came back to haunt me 20 years later now I don't want to leave my house I can't stand loud noises I don't enjoy doing anything I've lost my job I have almost committed suicide 3 times in a month and I hear voices in my head and also have haulsinations as well.

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Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005
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70 Replies
gogogirl profile image
gogogirl

I am sorry. It sounds like some regrets have caused you pain, and you have been ruminating. I know what this is like. There is no pep talk or anything. I am curious- did something happen twenty years ago that was very traumatic? I hope that you can see a physician since you have been suicidal and have hallucinations. You mention that you have a house so that is a relief.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Yes I was sexually abused by my neighbor who my belligerent alcoholic mother was having an affair with. And was physically and emotionally abused by her.

BonnieSue profile image
BonnieSue

The next time you think about suicide call one or both of these numbers..PLEASE: 1.800.273.8255 and 1.800.784.2433. Someone will answer who will be glad to talk to you and I think you will be glad to talk to them.

We do not want to lose you so please don't leave us. Come tell us how bad you feel, it's okay! Talk to me...I just may understand how you feel. I've wished I could die, too. Many times over and over. I had a plan on how I would die. But I don't feel like that today. And I'm glad I'm here today. So let me listen to you...right now.

I'll come back and see if you've left a message if I'm not here when you are. If you call the numbers above, someone will be there. That's more than I can do. Call them. I care about you but I can't be here all around the clock. But I can be here when you and I arrange it. Try me if you want to see if I will stand by you. Because I know I will. You are worth it. You can feel good again. Really good, I promise. If I could, you could. I'm nobody special. I'm just like you. Give yourself a chance.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to BonnieSue

Thank you Bonnie sue I'm seeing a therapist and part of my "homework" this week is to come up with a crisis management plan which involves what steps I will take when things get to my breaking point I have not been left alone in over two weeks my step mom won't leave me because she's scared. But Im getting my plan together and I will include this number and maybe that will make her feel safe. Because I do hear voices and when they get loud sometimes just talking to someone who has had some of the same type of thoughts can help a lot thank you so much

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl

Oh my gosh- I am so sorry. Thank goodness you have your step mom . I know we are supposed to have family at our backs - after all if we don't have them then who? I am glad that you are seeing a therapist, but sometimes that is not enough. I am here- I have had depression mainly because of regrets and guilt for a long long time. I do see a therapist who is like a cheerleader. I know we cannot fix what happened in the past intellectually, but we were not born yesterday either. You are a valuable person.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Thank you gogogirl I love my therapist she is a blessing but I do believe it helps to talk to peers who have endured the same type of situations to help you over come what you are going through.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

If you want to talk I'm a good listener. Depression is not fun and even though family and friends say they understand most of them really don't. So it's hard to relate to them.

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

I need to go now, but I will be back later for you to listen. Thank you so much.

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Will you be available around four PM or at least this evening?

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

What time zone are you on?

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Yes I would be available around 730 this evening eastern time? Would that be a good time for you?

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Yes, that sounds good. Thank you.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

No problem look forward to hearing from you

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Same here.

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Am I a little early? One clock in the house says 7:30, . I remember you said you were a good listener. Are u there?

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Yes I'm here how are you gogogirl

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl

I might be a little early , but here I am.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

I'm here too

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Check your chat

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Sorry, but what is chat? Is this it?

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

The message bubbles I sent you a message thinking it maybe easier for us to talk back and forth

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Am I doing this right, or is this something else I should be doing? Sorry, other than some word, and e mail, I do not do computors much. No social media.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

No your fine and don't get down on yourself. I think everyone at some point had got scammed. Do you want to say what exactly happened?

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

I will try. Let's put it this way. Buyer's remorse - was rushed and taken advantage of- have felt uneasy and very silly since then, and much more withdrawn. Maybe as we communicate, I will try to let it out more. Thank you for asking. I am not making excuses, but I have felt very mixed up. I know I am not a victim, but I feel very guilty like I was not myself. I feel so naive- maybe I always was. That's the self doubt part talking.

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Are you still there?

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Yes I'm still here

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

I am okay, but ruminating about something that happened to me about fifteen years ago. I was scammed- not on the internet. I feel so foolish, and know that I cannot go back in time.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Are you still here go-go girl?

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Yes- yes I am- - I meant to ask- how are you doing?

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

I am OK I suppose I have had a somewhat rough evening but I'm trying to do what I can to take my mind off of things

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Sorry you had a rough evening.. I am about to let something out. Would you like to talk about what's going on? I am glad you are trying to take your mind to a different direction.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Yes I'm a good listener

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Would you like to talk about what happened to cause you to have a rough evening?

Okay, here goes. I got caught up in excitement, and got scammed into some property- it's been gone a long time. Phew. Will you still be here after I let that out? There goes my self doubt again.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Yes I am still here and I want you to understand I hold no judgement towards you so you can tell me anything

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Wow, that means a lot, and right back at you. I hold no judgements either. I sometimes feel like I owe society- isn't that strange? I mean It's like making up for what happened. Sometimes I feel so violated by this. It certainly makes one more cynical. You sound like a good person.

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

This is wierd- here I am just typing- and my breath quickened, as I am getting ready to let something out.

Maybe this is a signal, that I need to let out more of my feelings about this.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Sometimes letting your feelings out helps.

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

I just released something to you, and look I can still breathe. I sometimes have nightmares, but I also know that is the anxiety. I am not making excuses, but the scam hit when I was vulnerable- my dad had passed, and I was feeling really low. I know this does not define the whole me, but sometimes, it ( the scam) passes in my mind, and I just start breathing faster.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Can I tell you about the time I got scammed?

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Of course. You're right- it helps to let out feelings, and I am here.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

When I was 17 my mom died and my "friend" asked me to cash a check for her and I was cashing checks for her left and right for anywhere from 1-300 dollars a week for about four months and I was young and naive and didn't know any better and come to find out the bank that she had didn't exist

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Oh, I am so sorry, and sorry that you "ran" into a "friend" like that. I hope that it helped to let that out. I was about fifty, and am normally careful, so I feel even sillier since I was older. I find this so hard to think about that I sometimes block. I am still me, but I have changed since then. Thank you for sharing by the way. It takes a lot of courage to share.

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Would you like to share details? I am so sorry that happened to you.

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to gogogirl

I have heard that internet scams are common also.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Yes they are for sure. I don't shop online.

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

I do not do that , bank or pay bills online- too risky. After that happened with me, a family member called me immature and naive. I guess I deserve that.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

No you just have been taken advantage of. And that's not your fault.

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

You were taken advantage of also. Someone tried to sell us something last week. When , I said no way, the guy on the other end of the telephone yelled at me. That felt good on my end. I can never forget what that therapist said. My family member and I see each other once in awhile, but he looks down on me- not in the same class- I should have been smarter.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

You should look at it like I do and say you learned from your mistake and it made you stronger because of it

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Thank you, but what a price especially when you are older. Part of the problem is this: My guilt at being caught in the excitement - like I was in a change. I know it's hard to describe. At that time, I had a distant relationship with this same family member- yes, even then- and again, that is no excuse , but perhaps that caused more vulnerability. And get this: I am normally not a person who asks for too much- at least I hope I am not. I will bet that you have become stronger also- but you were not caught in excitement- instead it sounds like you just thought you were doing a friend a favor. Hey, when we're teenagers, that is another whole story.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Can I ask are you a spiritual person?

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

When it comes to caring for the animals and the Earth and trying to help others. I have been a vegetarian for decades also. I live in the present, but sometimes these ruminations get to me, and I spiral. How about yourself?

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

I believe in talking in just this short amount of time you are a good person who has made some mistakes but has probably made up for those mistakes two fold in other ways of helping others along the way.

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

I just saw this post, and I can tell that you are a good person also, but that you have had some real traumas in your life which you are working on, and you are very brave. Remember, I am here to listen as well.

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to gogogirl

A former therapist I saw some years back said that I was not a victim, and that it was my fault. I have not seen her in years.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Yeah that doesn't sound very supportive at all.

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Oh man- now I might pick up steam. Maybe I need this. I called a warm line last week, and the man on the other end( without me telling him the story) said that regrets will kill ya!

I liked the way he spoke - plain spoken. I think the former therapist was trying to scold me- after I was scolding myself. She said I wasn't totally responsible, but definitely culpable. Then after all of that - she told me to move forward, and slammed my arm in her door.

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to gogogirl

I think I am ready to let more out. My therapist knows part of this, but she is so direct- we sometimes talk about other issues, and talk around this one.

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to gogogirl

Due to this, I am less open with my current therapist.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Is your new therapist supportive?

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to gogogirl

How are you doing after all that

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

You are fine remember nobody is perfect!

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

Thank you. Plus, after that happened- and I thought about some other criticism that this same family member had given me- that I did not have my feet on the ground career wise and I live in a fantasy world. He also called me a useless piece of sh-t ( that was before the scam.). I was not a great fit in my original career.

You are fine also. I am not feeling sorry for myself, but some tears came to my eyes.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

And as far as the people in your life who keep putting you down you don't need that negativity in your life. I know it's easier said then done with family especially but it's true. It will help if you can separate yourself from them altogether

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

I wanted to say that I am finding this to be helpful. And you?

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Yes me too

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to Kdkbol2005

I am going to split now- unless you wanted to share something else. I hope we can talk again soon.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

OK ttyl

gogogirl profile image
gogogirl in reply to gogogirl

Thank you again. You are very good at listening, and if want to share more another time, I will listen more to you as well.

Kdkbol2005 profile image
Kdkbol2005 in reply to gogogirl

Thanks!

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