Paranoia

Um, I don't know how to start this, but I really need help. I just need some sort of advice or guidance and I'm tired of being to paranoid to ask for the help I've been seeking since I was eleven. I'm seventeen now and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. If I explain my story can someone please help me?....It all started when I was six years old and fabricated a fear of the dark. There was a nightlight just outside my door to help me see better, but when I had asked my grandmother if I could bring it into my room because it was dark and I was scared, she would just yell at me to go to sleep and then turn out the night light. I was constantly afraid, not of the monsters under my bed or in the closet, but by the people outside of the house that could possibly break in and try to kill me or my older sister. This paranoia created reoccurring nightmares and I would always wake up screaming, crying, and I'd break out in a cold sweat. I always thought the nightmares were real because they looked and felt so real. every time I would wake up I would have to search throughout the house for any signs of blood or any signs of a break in and I'd have to check to see if my sister and grandmother were okay. This has always terrified me and the nightmares I had caused me to continue to stay up for two to three days on end. I desperately tried to keep myself awake in order to not have the nightmares again, but I always crash and then they occur again, even worse than the last one. Recently I've been getting the nightmares that woke me up screaming back and it's terrifying because I hate it. It's caused me to become depressed and I even started self harming at the age of ten. I don't know what to do anymore. I recently stopped cutting last year, but I still have the urges to relapse. This paranoia is so bad that I can't do anything by myself. I'm just tired of not getting the help I've been asking for. I need help and I've tried talking to my mother about it, but she just told me that I was fine and that I needed to suck it up because I'm being a crybaby. But she doesn't understand, because she never listens properly. I was asking for help so I could have somebody listen, but she never does. I want to have someone listen and tell me that nothing's wrong with me, I want to know that I'm not the only one going through something like this. I want help so I can stop being afraid. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of not being able to get five feet away from my front door without frantically searching my surroundings. I'm tired of not being able to walk my dogs without glancing back and forth every five seconds to see if there's someone following me. I'm tired of watching cars pass by and standing still holding my breath because I'm too terrified that the car's going to stop and take me with it. I'm so terrified and I can't do anything about it. I'm tired of having constant panic attacks. I'm tired of getting scared every time I hear a noise when I'm the only one in the house that's awake. I'm tired of being the only one up in the house at three am because I couldn't sleep. I'm tired of staying awake two to three days at a time before crashing on my living room floor for two hours. I'm tired of lying to my friends when they ask me if I'm okay. I want them to know the truth but I'm scared of how they'll react. I'm just so terrified and I'm tired of the paranoia, of the depression, of the panic attacks, of the resurfacing thoughts of self harm. I'm just tired and I am too scared to go to my guidance counselor because then she'd just contact my mother and my mother would talk to me about how I need to stop acting this way because it's embarrassing her and she's disappointed. I just need someone to help, I've been waiting too long and I want it to stop.

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  • I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this and that you don't have anyone who will listen to you. Everyone on this site will listen to anything that you have to say and they will try to give you the best advice that they can. First of all you're definitely not alone. I'm sure there are many people out there who are afraid of the dark or what's in the dark rather and lots of people who can relate to what you feel. The only thing that we can do is try and encourage you to find someone who can help you and to try and give you ideas on how to get you some good rest. Does your guidance counselor have a policy where they can keep your talks private and confidential? It seems like they should be able to keep your conversations confidential unless of course you were telling them that you were going to harm yourself or harm someone else. Or maybe you could talk to your guidance counselor about where you could get help or talk to someone without your mom knowing. One thing about anxiety and panic is that it only makes it worse when somebody tells you just suck it up or get over it. I think you should go see your guidance counselor and just start off with a conversation and say I have this issue it's ongoing I can't talk to my mom about it so do you have any resources that I can have access to to where my mom won't find out? And then maybe just see what your guidance counselor says. Is it possible for you to wait for your mom to go to sleep and then you can turn your bedroom light on and then set your alarm and turn it off before she gets up? Is it possible for you to sleep with the TV on? Is it possible for you to go to the store and buy a night-light or two and use them without your mom knowing? I myself have to sleep with my TV on every night. If I don't sleep with my TV on then my mind starts to wander then I started hearing noises and I'm just like you in the sense of I'm Not Afraid of the Dark itself I'm afraid of what's in the dark. Sometimes I even sleep with my lamp on.

  • Im feeling so bad that your mother is dismissing all your attempts for help. I agree with Brianic above, very helpful suggestions. Im not sure what he rules with guidance counselors are these days but ive had to talk with them before regarding my brother and they were very helpful in giving me the best advice in a touchy situation without calling my family. See my brother offered me drugs, potent ones, when i was 16, it scared me so bad and i didnt want him doing anymore. I was able to talk with my parents and he he got the help he needed. Im 46 now and wish i would have told the counselor more of my problem because i waited till i was 30 to get help with my own panic attack and abuse problems from my brother . I held it in for many years and shoildnt have. I dont think your friends would laughbat you but help you try to find ways thru this. Maybe you could have a friend who would be willing to talk with your mom with you, or even accept a call when you need help in the evening. Friends can react weirdly at first but i tnink they will help build you up. This site is great for that. There are support groups for young teens that might also help you. Please continue to talk sbout it, youll find it easier knowing people care about you. Im sending my best wishes and a prayer you start getting bettet sleep by feeling safe.

  • thank you so much for your help, and yes I have been sleeping with my tv on so I don't have to sleep in the dark. I'll talk to my guidance counselor as soon as I can. Thank you so much!

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