Severe depression and anxiety for 12 years

[Ceilingmoth]

My mood disorder is the product of childhood neglect and trauma and my experience with therapists during my childhood listened to my parents who were neglectful over me, so I shy away from trusting therapists until recently (about 8 months ago) when I started counseling again.

I'm 27 and have been diagnosed with sciatica, neuropathy and had scoliosis since I was 8 with scoliosis surgery when I was 13. I am currently being treated with narcotics for chronic pain and I am expected to live with this physical pain the rest of my life. After about six years of testing and diagnosis, my doctor's finally confirmed the life "sentence" and that there wasn't treatment for what I was going through. At 27, a lifetime of pain and narcotics isn't something to look forward to.

After I got the final diagnosis is when I started seeing a counselor, for the depression associated with the expectation of a low quality of life. I've also been a part of a corporate business that practices manipulative disruptive tactics and reduces the self worth of employees causing anxiety.

The combination of depression and anxiety and sorting through dealing with trauma from childhood neect has been difficult. It's been worse since I've lost all the friends I had (due to simply falling out) and I have no support system.

I've just started dating a partner I had separated from for 2 years ago, and we dated for 4 years before that. He is a good, smart man and he has been committed to learning from the mistakes we had in our relationship before. This has its good side, that I'm dating someone I have history with and that I can trust and that he has good intentions. The difficulty is that his relationship experience is so limited you would think he was 12 if I explained all the mistakes he makes. (Ex. I wanted to talk because I was upset about something at work. He said he would be available to call and talk at a specific time. I called and began to talk when I heard him talk to someone else. He was also on a Skype call on his computer with a group of people he plays a game with. He suggested I call him while he was on a call already.) These behaviors have been addressed and I have offered suggestions and compromises and thoroughly explained what is bothering me and what he can do to change. I've explained through email, text, call and in person multiple times from different angles. It's been almost 6 months since we started dating again and addressing these behaviors and he has yet to commit to being consistent with any of them.

The main issue is that he is my only support system. When I run to him with my depression and fears, I am met with criticism and judgment for being irrational, overreacting, ocd, etc. I've explained to him that I need support and what I mean by that, and he although he says he can and will do that for me, he doesn't.

How can I remind myself that I'm valuable and that my thoughts and feelings are valid when my only support system is doing all things opposite of what I need?

Thanks

[VeronicaAV]

Ho Ceilingmoth, I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I too had a traimatic/abusive childhood. Before the age 0f 18 I went through 19 different therapists, psychiatrists, and counselors who all put the blame on me for the abuse. (If you didnt do this this will not have happened). Very frustrating and belittling. Nobody to trust. I have steered away from any mental health drs for a long time now. I know I need someone now. My husband and I have been together for 17 years... he is emotionally unavailable and we are married. I cannot talk to him and when I try he is distant. He recently told me he has been feeling numb and depressed himself. So we hoth have issues we need to deal with. Unfortunately when we find one person we tend to cling and expect them to be the utmost support for us. It does not work that way. Try support groupd or speak with your MD. I have learned that all too well. Also, remember men are slower at maturing than women. Though some may be mature and understanding of situations such as yours, some are not... they get too overwhelmed. Dealing with constant pain is an awful realization to come to terms with. I have end stage kidney disease. As of now I have no kidneys and live solely on dialysis treatments 3 hours a day 3 days a week for the past 7 years onward until I get a new kidney. Its depressing living on machine alone, but I do focus on my spitituality. Have you found anything other than your not too emotionally supportive BF that helps you?