Me:

[Elap0911]

Hi, I'm Eric. I have had 27 very successful years of covering and masking my OCPD and Depression. Up until March 2015, I have kept this front up and finally started to uncover these layers. In the last several months, starting in June, I hit the wall so to speak. Depression and anxiety reared their true selves and stripped me of my facade crafted so well for so long. I am now searching for my identity in a chaotic thought process and overwhelmed by feelings. That my friends brings me here!

[kinikia95 ADAA Volunteer]

Hi Eric,

Uncovering the layers sounds like a great first step. You say you've hit the wall; so what is happening? We are here to listen (and learn). I look forward to your reply.

[Elap0911 in reply to kinikia95]

I had multiple level Spinal disc replacement and fusion in June which really debilitated me beyond just the physical qualities. Having too much alone time and pain partnered with a cocktail of medications really knocked me down. I suffered much loss during the months after the surgery. I struggled coming off of pain medication and the see-saw battle of physical/emotional health. My relationship suffered greatly and continues to be challenged. I struggle with self-medicating and using alcohol. Since September, I had 2 bad episodes with combining the two in an attempt to quiet everything. I recently completed a 10 day outpatient program at a local psychiatric facility. My Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder is spiraling and causing more anxiety and depression. After completion the program, I felt better... only to relapse within 4 days. Downtime is not a great thing for me. Being alone most of the day brings up thought patterns that go back and forth. I deal with trust issues with most people. I find myself driving around, sometimes aimlessly and other times checking my spouses whereabouts. My drinking varies day to day, but not in large quantities. About a month ago, I started biting my skin and nails on my fingers. Around the same time, I started getting ingrown hairs from shaving my beard. I was obsessive about pulling the hairs out. After a short while, I would spend hours in the bathroom picking. Whenever the anxiety increased, or if I was in a funk, or if I had an argument I would pull and pick again. During these episodes I wouldn't really experience pain even when causing bleeding. Afterwards, I was met by shame, remorse, and embarrassment for my behaviors. The pulling caused more anxiety and my awareness of my actions was clear to me. The only problem now is I can't stop myself. I have more times of being able to stop, but still the behaviors persist. My constant need for perfection, order, control, perception from others, recognition, setting rules, and setting the bar high is very taxing. Well that is quite a bit to share in a reply I would say!!!

[kinikia95 ADAA Volunteer in reply to Elap0911]

That is huge for anyone. No wonder you are struggling. Alcohol is also a difficult struggle that I can relate to. Health issues are a lot for any partner to deal with. You should never feel ashamed for having a disorder. Spending hours picking at your skin does sound like something that needs to be dealt with. Unfortunately relapse is often part of recovery and health providers are well aware of that. It sounds like you were in touch with someone about your issues and maybe you would benefit from getting back in touch with them and talking about the hours you spend picking. Do you think you should contact them again about your relapse? From what I'm hearing it sounds like a good idea in addition to talking with us here.

[Elap0911 in reply to kinikia95]

The thought of going back for threatment is in my mind daily. I often times don't have the ambition or energy to take the initiative or do much at all. It feels strange to me to be at this point... since this has all surfaced after years of being highly functional and savy. Now at 43, It is really difficult to rediscover a truer me. The person I knew had 2 vastly different lives and personalities since 16 years old. I do recognize that the repetitive destructive behaviors, thoughts, and patterns may take a more definate route if it persists. I know I need further structure of time and a program to give value and purpose to my life. Without those, I can see myself spiraling into a hole that may be the end. I will continue to seek alternative support systems in the meantime, so I am accoubtable to check in. I most probably will go back into a CBT program at the psychiatric facility again next week. Thanks for the support and feedback.

[kinikia95 ADAA Volunteer]

I know its hard but it sounds like you know what you need to do. Call them!!!!! So that's Monday and that's your goal. In the meantime we are always here. What do you have planned for the weekend?

[Elap0911 in reply to kinikia95]

Don't have anything planned per say... going to our High School Girls Volleyball Finals today. I just go day by day... sometimes hour blocks by hour blocks.