ADHD or traits?

[Theestateagentswife]

I would love your opinion on something ..

So my dh ( audhd) has never been hands on with the kids. We regularly have this debate that I need him to help more with them but he tells me that he cant 'just do it' beause his ADHD brain dosnt work like that. If I need help then I need to ask for it. Eeveryday is the same cycle of me getting up in the morning at silly oclock with the children while he stays in bed till around half 8 time , Normally spending an hour or so scrolling throguh facebook or tiktok.

Last night , our 2 youngest were up every half an hour or so. I managed about 4 hours sleep overal before they got up at 5:30. Around 8 I went upstairs to get dressed and ready for the day and he asked what the problem was ( he was laying in bed awake ) I said i had had very little sleep and was exhausted so rediculously tired. He stayed in Bed while i continued on for another hour or so before he finally got up and came downstairs. When I question this ( as i have done on multiple occasions ) he just says its his adhd and he dosnt realise that he needs to get up and 'parent' or help out and that every morning i need to come into him and give him a breakdown or what it is exactly that I need help with adn then he will get up and help me.

I just find it ironic that he cant ' remember everyday or acknowledge ' how to get up and share the parenting load but he can get up out of bed and remember that he needs to go and work on his current hyperfixation before he leaves for work. I know there is a lot of perception with the child/parent relationship in relationships with those with adhd but surly me having to give him a full breakdown everymorning is not what most people require?

Or maybe im just being really unreasonable?

[Illuminateyourbrain]

You are not being unreasonable.

As I read through your post, one major theme stuck out. Your dh does not seem to understand that parenting is a shared responsibility. Your post repeatedly referenced your need for him to "help" you with the parenting duties, instead of him needing to share the workload. While AuDHD might be a valid explanation for communication challenges, or even lack of awareness when you might be hinting that his help is needed, it can't be used as an excuse for not being a partner in your relationship.

As an ADHD dad to three, now adults, I can readily admit that I didn't always split the workload evenly, but I tried. Over the years, there were points that my wife needed to verbally kick me in the a** because I was overburdening her with household responsibilities. She now understands her part in letting things get out of balance by just doing the tasks that I may have forgotten to do. In her mind, it was easier than fussing at me. The end result was that I started expecting that she would just do whatever I didn't.

It sounds like your husband might be at a similar point, expecting that you will deal with everything kid related, and he only has a supporting role. Even in that, though, it seems that he's using his ADHD as an excuse for not stepping up. If he's capable of maintaining a job, he's capable of active participation in raising your children. He might just need some clarity on that expectation.

[CloudsAreLovely]

Sounds like bs to me. You learn to be a parent because you give a sh*t about the offspring. But, some guys just don't want to. So I'll give him this......If he's really struggling to remember things.... he should be tested for Alzheimer's or dementia. I have Adhd and was terrible in school because I couldn't remember the steps in certain subjects. Well, truth be told I just wasn't interested in those subjects but in other I excelled. Find what he excells in.... Show him what you do in the mornings tell him this is what parenting is about.... tell him to try to help because not only will it help you.... it will also help the kids have a nice healthy relationship with the father. Use the step up...... you helped me make them..... you help me raise them. If not maybe he wasn't a good guy from the beginning and unfortunately that sometimes happens too. But, you have a choice in the matter. Even if they are scary life changing choices. And there are good guys out there!!!!

[Mamamichl]

both me and my partner have ADHD, but ours function a bit differently. Just saying to him he needs to do something in the future doesn’t usually help. Asking him in the moment helps a lot more. My partner and I have this thing where we say “tag” when we both realize something in the moment us to be done but one of us don’t have the spoons in the moment to do so or are tired of doing it.

Have you tried noticing kids need something, and instead of getting up and doing it yourself, asking if he can handle it? Doing things like this in the moment usually helps with us. This is pet of ADHD. Keeping things long term in the front of our attention is hard, and if it’s out of sight, it’s out of mind. We also need visual reminders. Sticky notes, text messages when something is needed usually prompts us to get going with something.

A couple of good you tube video channels you can learn more about our symptoms include “how to ADHD” and “adhd_love”. I highly recommend starting there. If you have any more questions, don’t hesitate to pm me through the forum.

Although he could be using it as an excuse, he may just need some accommodations to get the routine figured out then be fine afterwards. My partner does well with he kids, but sometimes both of us need to print the other to get the ball rolling.

[Theestateagentswife in reply to Mamamichl]

hey, Yes I have . Unfortunatly it either results in a 'yeah ill do it in a minute ' or if ive asked him to grab a bottle or something for the littlest hell call one of our children to go and do it .

Thank you for the recommendations , ive search both previously but will go back again.

[Mamamichl in reply to Theestateagentswife]

Calm but persistent. Remind him that he will forget if he waits. Something I do is come in the room and ask, and if they say in a minute, I just sit there waiting for that minute. Yes it’s annoying, but it usually works.

[Lilwonder]

yeah, to be blunt, I would call bull sh%#. I have ADHD and I was a “single” parent and working mom. He can help out.

[Steph99]

Is your husbands ADHD treated? If the ADHD is treated and on the correct dosage then the tasks and shared responsibilities will be less stressful and complicated for him to manage and accomplish. If the ADHD is untreated it may be impossible for him some if not everyday depending on the type and severity of the ADHD. Simple everyday tasks can be hard for an ADHD brain not only to remember but to start and finish. There are many functions of the brain involved in the process that ADHD complicates. He may have learned how to use his brain to his advantage with his interests and access motivations that he does not otherwise have like other people. A list that includes the task that he can see with clear and simple directions that can be shared and incorporated into a routine may be a strategy that will help with memory and follow through. Keep the information and list the same so that it becomes a habit that he can remember and keep track of. If he can see the information or there is a reminder on his phone that may be better than a reminder from you because it keeps his mind on track and he is more independent with getting it done. It could wind up hurtful for the both of you. He has ADHD and he can’t help that. You are working hard and need help. Sitting down and discussing the situation and tasks and formalizing it a bit together might be a solution that works out well for the both of you.

[Theestateagentswife in reply to Steph99]

Hi, yes he is. Medicated and in thearapy. It makes no difference to him unfortunatly. I just think our lives are so different. Yesterday he woke up around 8 but stayed in bed till gone 10 - I took my sister to work and came back and he was just coming downstairs , I just carried on with the day , kids needing things, school work being done, cleaning , prepping dinner stuff, washing and foliding dry clothes and he comes down - makes himselg breakfast and goes and sits int he garden with while i try and tackle the whole house and young children. Its almost like his blind to anything that goes on around him and it dosnt matter how much I ask, he just dosnt care to change.