I'm non-ADHD and started dating someone with ADHD about 3 weeks ago. We seem to want the same things, i.e. long term relationship, financial stability, calm and peaceful life. He started off very attentive, calling me before and after his work, and we'd see each other on weekends. Since he lives 2 hours away, he'd stay at my place on the weekend.
I noticed he's often frustrated, with work, driving, his family. That's ok, plus in learning more about ADHD, I understand. I've just noticed he's starting to turn some of the frustration toward me now. I don't know if it's part of the ADHD or not. One example is he arrived at work but was in his car. He had to pee. Places he stopped at had a restroom that was out of order. I suggested he enter a place that would have a restroom into his GPS to see what's around there. He blew up at me, started screaming that he wasn't about to start driving around where he didn't know the area, and possibly make himself late for work. I tried to explain I was just offering a suggestion to try to help. That made him start screaming at me even more that he didn't want to talk about him anymore.
Stuff like this has happened a few times now. I don't know how to react anymore. When we spoke about it and I mentioned I sometimes feel like I'm walking on egg shells because I don't want to stress him, that caused him to blow up again because he said he hates when people tell him they have to walk on egg shells around him. Help! Does anyone know of resources I can look into to help me better understand what he needs in these scenarios, so I can be a support instead of adding to the frustration? Is this even possible or is this an indication of how life would constantly be?
In case it helps, he's on Adderall.
Thank you
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Lovinggf
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Hello Lovinggf,It sounds like he needs to understand his ADHD better. As the saying goes "pills don't teach skills" he has the meds now he needs to learn new skills.
You are up against it if he isn't working with someone to gain understanding and new tools as it relates to his ADHD.
Him blowing up because he "hates it when people feel they are walking on eggshells" means he's heard that before, many times, but hasn't made adjustments yet.
If you think he's the one I would suggest couples ADHD informed therapy and that he find someone for himself.
If this is fun for now, I suggest deciding on what you will put up with and what you won't. When it gets to be too much of the not-so-great then you can decide if it's worth sticking with it.
Speaking from experience it's a tough road to travel with someone who isn't working on themselves regardless of whether they have ADHD or not.
A book I recommend to anyone who will listen is Dr Hallowell's 'ADHD 2.0' It's an easy read and discusses new brain science.
BLC89 Thanks so much for your response. I just purchased the ADHD 2.0 book you suggested. I know he's seeing a therapist, but it seems to be for only about 10 minutes a month to discuss how the Adderall dosing is.
I do like him a lot. I agree with what you said about having heard others tell him they feel like they have to walk on eggshells. I didn't know if this was just something to be accepted as part of ADHD, or if it was something he could work on. It seems it is something he could work on. I'll talk to him about it, and if things seem like they will be long-term, I'll suggest the ADHD informed therapy.
Thank you again for your response. I really appreciate it.
10mins/month sounds like medical check-in appt with his psychiatrist. Therapy sessions are usually 50-60mins.
Seems you’re pushing towards him, and he’s pulling away.
Ppl don’t always like being told what to do, and as he said in that scenario he wasn’t asking for a suggestion. How he reacted was uncool, and it seemed interesting to me that he didn’t properly apologize til you brought it up (shame and guilt usually prompts some sort of attempt at repair either at the time or later, but perhaps he turns inwards, doesn’t know how to manage his feelings or is narcisstic). As other posters mentioned, couples or individual therapy could be helpful for him to learn to express what he needs (to hang up) in a more respectful and less volatile way, learn and practice emotion regulation in a safe space, build relationship and problem solving skills to help manage his symptoms. Get the impression that you’re taking more responsibility for his behaviour than he is. He needs to recognize that he’s in the driver seat of this thing called life, has a few problems that he could manage better and seek help to work on whatever it is he values or would like to get better at.
Yes, emotional disregulation is common with ADHD, but will show up differently from one ADHD person to another. For me, it is usually internalized, making me feel more anxious and withdrawing more into myself. (I'll be roiling with emotion on the inside, but what shows on the outside is just about ⅒ the intensity.) For others, it affects their outward displays of emotion greatly.
Emotional disregulation is so much a factor with ADHD that Dr. Russell Barkley said that he and other psychiatrists tried to get emotional disregulation info added to the ADHD entry in the the DSM 5 (Diagnostic and Statical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition).
Speaking as someone with ADHD who has only recently had it diagnosed during a 42 year lifespan, I can honestly say he sounds like an 'issue'. I realise it impacts everyone differently, but he shouldn't be acting like that or getting so aggressive with you. So early on in a relationship is a serious red flag.
For myself it impacts my attention span and I often unintentionally run late and leave things until the last minute, but from what you're saying about him it sounds like there might be something else underlying causing the aggression issues.
What really stood out to me about your post is you've only known him 3 weeks....just...3 weeks...I'd say that you don't yet know him well enough to want to truly establish something long term, as straight away you are mentioning what I would deem to be major red flags.
I say this as someone who has a similar personality to yourself - I like helping people, I want to be there for someone who needs me, but often that can be for the wrong reasons. I also have the life experience of having dated for 4 years a girl who had major Asperger's syndrome that involved anger issues, lack of communication, lack of emotion and her constant (and unaddressed) self-harm. Eventually I realised that by bonding emotionally to her and trying to help her, I was actually badly hurting myself, to the point where I eventually became miserable. We only saw each other at weekends too and would talk all the time.
I think what you should try and do is take a step-back for a moment and reassess the situation; you have only known him 3 weeks, you might have a personality type similar to mine, where you fall for some quite quickly, but you need to take his behaviour as a warning sign of potential problems to come.
You have only tried to help him and he's blown a fuse at you for trying to help and be useful and nice. That is not on! You shouldn't be trying to change/adapt yourself to help him, he should be trying to improve himself to be with you. He sounds like he has major anger issues which need to be dealt with, but you need to look out for yourself and look after number one and your welfare and happiness.
As an outsider looking in and with what you said, I don't think you will find happiness there and you need to remember it's only been 3 weeks of sporadic meeting up and regular talking. In the grand scheme of things, 3 weeks means nothing. It might be the Dopamine effect for you. If he's reacting like that to you, it doesn't sound like he has the Dopamine effect.
Like I say, I'm saying this as someone with ADHD, with a familial history of men with severely bad tempers (which I am able to control) and as a 'people pleaser' who has tried time and again to help romantic partners grow and blossom, putting their needs first and over my own, but with little success. The red flags are there and that should be addressed.
I wouldn't speak to anyone like that, especially a romantic partner and especially after only a couple of weeks. That sort of reaction only happened in my last relationship towards the end after over 6 years together and her goading me time and again to provoke a verbal reaction.
Hello there! As a woman in her 50’s with ADHD diagnosed at 35, I would agree with the responses you have received thus far.
“Pills don’t give skills,” this is so true! I have spent years slowly working through my formerly quick reactions to people and turning them into thought-out responses. It isn’t easy but it is totally worth it. I have worked on my impulsivity and trained my mind to WAIT before speaking or shopping.
ADHD partners can be fascinating and enjoyable (says my non-ADHD boyfriend), but only if they have some stability and self-control. My disorder is not my fault (I didn’t cause it), but it is my responsibility to manage.
Thank you for sharing. It's helpful to me as I have recently lost my relationship due to my behaviors. I have adhd as well as borderline personality disorder. I'm a gentle person in general but sometimes my ex would say she's scared of when I get angry. It always upset me as in my mind I wasn't angry or didn't feel my anger was directed at her. During our relationship I had no idea about these disorders. My condition worsened because of my financial circumstance and physical health over a period of two years. Looking back on my life I can now see my behavior but it was so subtle. I was always a healthy and balanced person - nothing like today. I have to say throughout ones life this condition can change a lot. Im the type of person who wants to improve myself so losing her hurts. I wanted to write to you to say if he can see more clearly his behavior it would make a big difference. There is room for optimism. Communication is vital. We need to nurture Communication. I emphasize with you as walking on egg shells isn't good. Inside it hurts him to hear and it's a trigger but for you it's reality. If you can both communicate about these types of things I feel it will help a lot. I don't like the idea that one person has a trigger so the relationship has to be shaped around that. Perhaps I'm naive but if we understand our triggers they won't carry as much weight and perhaps their frequency will be minimal although I'm only speaking for myself. Every one is different. I hope you can find a way
Very thoughtful response. Many people with borderline personality disorder don't know that they have it. Probably the best known book about BPD is literally titled "Walking on Eggshells".
I think that what's most concerning in OP's case is that this concerning behavior has become so prominent so early in the relationship. That sends up red flags.
You have a good perspective for a long-term approach, so it appears that you've been doing the work that the OP's boyfriend likely needs to be doing.
There is ADHD behaviors and then there is verbal abuse. Please look into ADHD centered relationship coaching with him if he will go. Otherwise, you seem a very caring person who is trying to do all you can for this relationship. That says a lot for your integrity. Just remember to take care of yourself in the process.
I am the non-ADHD partner. When we got together we were an instant match. I now know that his ADHD enthusiasm was intoxicating for my abandonment issues. We were in love, fast! Now 11 years later, I can say, the work is not only his. I've had to do a lot of co-dependance work of my own. My job is not to fix, help or save anyone other than myself. Lucky for us, he has also done a lot of work in our years together. RSD (which it sounds like your guy has) was almost the end for us. He sought Neuro feedback and it really helped the RSD. I should say he is not medicated but does drink caffeinated green tea twice daily 5 days a week and that also helps. We work together on the ADHD relationship (look up Melissa Orlov) and I think both of our commitment to growing and learning has made us work. ALL of the relationships I've had, and there have been many in my 61 years, have had challenges. This one just happens to be ADHD.
As someone with ADHD I can tell you that we attract people that enjoy the hyper focus attention and and passion for things. It is really hard to find a partner that is healthy mentally because its is an easy trap for both people.
His blowups are not ADHD, but the reasons for them might be. When working towards a goal (yes getting to work on time is a goal) and something gets in the way, the extra task switching without trust in executive functions is anxiety inducing. Think of it like if you were driving somewhere and the road is blocked. You have to go the long way through roads you have never been on without GPS. You are worried because the exact same thing keeps happening but at different points in the road with different paths. Your GPS never works and you have been told at work that they might have to let you go if you are late one more time. Add on that the urgency of having to pee! His blowup is stress management issues due to constant ADHD issues. He needs to deal with his work life in a professional way. ADHD is a disability so reasonable accommodations can be made where he has a window of time to show up. Also depending on the job he could be trying to work in a position that is bad for ADHD.
Long story short, he's not managing life well and that is not your fault. However my first statement is there for you to think about what and who attracts you to this man and others in your past. I think that has more value for you at the moment than understanding ADHD. I hope you express that it is not okay to treat you poorly.
most people won’t ADHDers have been told how bad they are for so long, they don’t know how to react when someone is trying. I commend you for trying to help. I highly recommend the you tube videos and books (I prefer the audiobook versions): holderness family (book is ADHD is awesome) and adhd_love (books are dirty laundry and small talk). These will help you u sweat and some ideas to help your adhd person. As a quick step in the books, I learned that when they are already super escalated, ask if they just want a listening ear or problem solving session. Also de escalate them first. Breathing strategies, 5,4,3,2,1 or something similar so you can get the logical brain to come back out.
The others here have given some excellent feedback from different perspectives.
Let's start with the positives:
Your dedication to him is exemplary, it speaks very highly of who you are. The shared life goals between you two are also a plus, because long-term relationships are built on shared values and goals.
Your boyfriend's quick shift to being emotionally volatile is very concerning. It's a relationship red flag, as others have noted.
I'll address two things here, ADHD and new relationships:
• It has been described by ADHD experts that people with ADHD have an interest-based attention system, while others have an importance-based attention system. Also, with ADHD, interests can shift rapidly, and attention shifts with it.
• In new relationships, people tend to emphasize the positives and minimize the negatives. Positive emotions are heightened, and negative emotions are typically reduced. This new-relationship phase is often the most exciting and enthralling time for a couple, and both are giving their best selves. However, it always happens that the couple in love comes down from cloud-9 and the relationship settles into the real world, with more realistic feelings, conflicts, the need for cooperation, more in-depth communication, and possibly even some compromise.
A romantic partner with ADHD is more likely to shift their attention sooner from the glow of the new relationship, to whatever is the emergent situation at the time. Like, shifting from relationship focus to work focus. For a person with ADHD, it can be overwhelming to try to keep both spheres in our attention at the same time...we have to shift back and forth.
Consider this perspective: healthy people need healthy boundaries. Boundaries give us safety within our own selves and in our shared lives. (I found some good information on the "Boundaries" books by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. ADHD relationship books will be essential reads, but other relationship books can be a great help, too.)
• Your boyfriend's hotheaded behavior might simply have been due to overwhelm, from trying to be both good employee (not be late to work) and good boyfriend (talking to you on the phone) at the same time.
• ...or, it might be that he was being on his best behavior at the beginning (or maybe even being overly attentive and romantic, which can be a genuine result of ADHD & being in-love, or it could be something known as "love bombing" - a narcissistic behavior which is itself a red flag).
You and your boyfriend may have just met three weeks ago, or maybe you met years ago. You only specified that you started dating three weeks ago. If you've known each other a short time, then look very carefully at the situation. I've you've known each other a long time, then compare the person you knew from before dating to the person you saw when you started dating to the person your boyfriend is acting like now
Keep in mind that the longer a relationship continues, the harder it is to end, and the more hurt would be experienced by its ending.
So, now is the time for you to take a good look at the present state of your relationship and decide for yourself what you need it to be. It's important to know your expectations and to clearly communicate them, and to clearly understand your relationship partner's expectations.
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Sorry for the essay answer. Many of us here have been through a lot in relationships, both good and bad. We all want what will be best for you and for your boyfriend. Either you need to find your rhythm in the dance of love and relationships, or you need to part ways to give each other a chance to find a new partner.
I'm a believer that almost any relationship can work, but all the ones that do require time, effort, love, commitment, and understanding.
Thanks for sharing your story. To be honest, everyone's adhd affects them differently. Some are more patient/tolerant than others. I consider myself a very tolerant/understanding/patient person. I would wait until he's really at a calm space mentally. Then (keeping calm) talk to him about how you feel. I would read up about ADHD. Like I stated, not everyone's adhd is the same. I would also suggest talking to dr's/therapsts to see what they suggest. I would also go on YouTube to see if there are any good videos about adhd and how to handle what ever situation occurs in a more calm and positive manner. I hope that theses suggestions help you out.
Hi Lovinggf, I hope that you are not too overwhelmed by the wide range of advice you have gotten to your post about your beginning relationship with someone with ADHD. While all the replies that I read offered some very good advice, it is to be expected that not everyone's advice may apply to your situation, and in fact some advice seems to to be completely opposed to, or opposite to, the advice given by others. I'm not saying that any of the offered advice is wrong, but you will need to see what advice works best for your situation. One of the biggest and hardest challenge for someone with ADHD can be realistic self awareness. This takes a lot of effort but it is always worth the effort. Best wishes.
If they have only been with this person for 3 weeks and are already behaving abusively, they are on the furthest opposite end of realistic self awareness. These people barely have a relationship. Would you try to work with a so-called friend you’ve known for two weeks if they started treating you like crap? No. You would see that they are not a friend. While I hope this man gets the help he needs, OP should not be part of it.
I 110% agree with you. This sort of behaviour appearing after 3 weeks is very worrying and even potentially dangerous sounding, as there definitely sounds like there are some underlying anger/rage/aggression issues that could easily spiral out of control with disastrous consequences.I must say I'm bamboozled by those suggesting couples' therapy after only 3 weeks. It'd be different if it was after 3 years.
CTNico, I'm not happy to say that I have done the same thing. While early in relationship (with my wife of now 41 years) I would misplace something important to me, and when I couldn't find it at where I thought I had left it, I might blame her for putting it somewhere else. I then began to not get hooked as much and gradually got to point where I almost never actually say it was her doing, but one of my first impulses is to not blame myself (strongly goes against one part of my constructed self image) but to blame external people, and she was most often the closest. We are still going after 41 years and my wife is not one to take any abuse.
This is not an ADHD symptom. This is an abusive person symptom.
People with ADHD deal with their frustrations in many different ways. I have dated people who didn’t show their true colors until two years into the relationship. The fact that he is showing them 3 weeks in is really not good. This person could be dangerous, and I would take it as a sign to leave—permanently. Even if this person is great in every other way, they are not fit to be in a relationship at this time. It takes a long time to learn how to deal with the kind of emotional dysregulation he is dealing with, and you will be a punching bag until (if) he gets it under control.
There is a common myth going around that this type of behavior is simply a symptom of ADHD. If this were true, than a much larger percentage of people with ADHD would have it. While it is generally accepted that people with ADHD have trouble regulating their emotions, this does not give them a free pass to be abusive.
All abusive partners have qualities that are considered appealing. That’s how they manage to fond themselves in relationships. If they are abusive, the rest doesn’t matter. You have been dating this person for 3 weeks. This is the best and easiest time to nip this in the bud now by ending the relationship. It is absolutely not going to improve.
I am sure you can find pages online that explain, "low frustration tolerance" that would help some. I don't think he wants you to try to help because he is a guy too, and it might embarrass him for him not yo have figured these things out for himself.
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