marriage and adhd

[doghome]

This has been a long journey for us with him just being diagnosed in the last year with adhd it has explained sooo much of our 25 year marriage. BUT, now that we know what we know its still hard to manage right? The lack of partnership, (I feel) the forgetting, the lack of responsibility, on and on. We both know the challenges and we try to do what we can but then we get at the point of "we cant do this anymore". I admit he knows how hard it is for me and he feels he should leave and let me have my life back, so I appreciate that he tries to understand my point of view. My problem is hes not a bad person, and I feel for him, he is aware of his lackings and it does frustrate him too so I feel bad, selfish for wanting to let him go. Its supposed to be in sickness and health right? I mean I wouldnt leave him if it was dementia so how could I leave just because its adhd? There are so many stories of failed relationships but there has to be some successes, some suggestions of how to accept what is isnt there? I feel fortunate in some of the ways he is effected and not, meaning he is not angry, doesnt have loud outbursts, hes not controlling like some stories I have read. Hes more passive, lets me take care of finances, tries to show appreciation sometimes, his biggest lacking is being able to speak up, and not being responsible so it all falls on me. I try not to encourage it, I will give him lists, but it still gets overwhelming at times and Im hoping to find a happy medium in there somewhere.

[STEM_Dad]

Knowing what effect ADHD has had on your marriage on the past can bring some understanding.

ADHD will still be a factor, but seeking treatment (medication, coaching, therapy) can help to improve things.

To start with, I recommend that you and he both make an effort towards acceptance of his ADHD diagnosis. ADHD doesn't define who he is... there is so much more to him than that. But it's an adjustment to incorporate this new knowledge of this condition that has been there all along.

ADHD also makes people more likely to experience anxiety and depression. The new diagnosis may even trigger anxiety and/or depression. He may be experiencing a sense of grief, as many of us do when diagnosed with adult ADHD (with thoughts like "if only I'd known, my life could have been so different", or "why didn't anyone figure this out this years ago?") Grief is a process, it takes time...and should ultimately resolve into acceptance. However, grief has a way of returning every now and again, but rarely is as strong as it is the first time.

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The psychology of being a man makes us susceptible to feelings of shame when we feel incapable of doing what we think we ought to be able to do. We men feel like we ought to strong (physically and emotionally), capable of solving our own problems (and of solving problems for our own family & the woman we love).

So, when a man feels that he is lacking in some way, he is vulnerable to shame and depression. (Examples might include having a debilitating injury like a broken leg, a condition that reduces strength or stamina, impotence, mental health problems, or other limitation, either temporary or chronic.)

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There are books and other information about ADHD effects in marriage. With a new diagnosis, I'd recommend a video that was made years ago called "ADD & Loving It?!" (It is a documentary with some comedy in it.) I suggest that the two of you watch it together, and be prepared to pause it to talk about what thoughts and questions it sparks.

youtu.be/N49trzkqdTo?si=4FO...(Not working as expected?)

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As for any marriage or committed relationship, one of the best pieces of advice that I've heard was something that relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman said in a podcast:

"Stay curious about each other."

[LifeIsLearning in reply to STEM_Dad]

I love that quote by Gottman!

[LuisBarcelona]

Maybe I'm wrong but I'm perceiving a message of a wish to quit but I am not doing it because overprotection. I think it could be a mistake to go on with the relationship only for compassion. But now with the diagnosis and the grief. I don't think it's a good time either to finish with a 25 years marriage . You might sort it out with a good therapist.

I am now in a similar process but the other way round. I am the one who has a neurodivergent brain, I am more active and the one who wants to leave my partner because I have no passion.

As stem_dad points out ADHD is only a part of us, it is not everything by any means. Thanks for the video I will definitely have a look.

[STEM_Dad in reply to LuisBarcelona]

Passion can be rekindled. It's not guaranteed to be ever-present in a relationship.

I'm currently divorced, but I was married for 20 years. As life has its ups and downs, so do relationships. My wife and I were sometimes close, sometimes distant.

In the end, she chose to leave the marriage because she fell in love with someone else. I wanted to stay married because I love her and still feel a commitment* to her.

* My beliefs and values definitely add to this feeling of commitment. There are a lot of pieces to this for me, but I'll sum it up by saying that when I said "til death do us part", I meant it.

However, I know that not everyone feels the way that I do, and I try not to push my beliefs on others. I share what I think and feel, what I discover and learn. But I also open myself up to learning what other think and feel and discover and learn, because I know that I don't have all the answer in life.

[doghome in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thanks Stem_dad, thats my situation, I believe in for better or worse, till death do us part. Like I said in another post here, to me its just a health condition and any other health issue would not even be a question. He doesnt want to be this way and it does help when he acknowledges things that could be different, if he were able. He hates that he needs a list for everything for example, but knows he needs it, I try to assure him that we all need them for different things. Hes not in denial, he knows where he lacks and he tries to make up for it, thats where I feel fortunate. Hes not refusing help, (thanks for the video by the way) and he hates feeling that hes inadequate, even though I do my best to not let him feel that way. So, to me theres still things to hold onto, we are just looking for the best ways to handle it.

[STEM_Dad in reply to doghome]

Now that he is diagnosed with ADHD, has his doctor prescribed any medications?

My working memory was very bad until I finally started taking ADHD meds. The first I tried was Adderall XR, and it did help me with my memory, bot only helped me somewhat with my other ADHD symptoms.

I'm now on a non-stimulant called atomoxetine (the name brand is Strattera), and I think it helps my memory even a little more than Adderall did, but it definitely helps all my symptoms much more. I also like that it keeps working 24x7, without wearing off like Adderall did.

Most people with ADHD can be helped with medication, either a little or a lot.

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As much as my symptoms have been improved, I still have ADHD. It's just a lot easier to deal with now.

My memory improvement and ability to focus my attention intentionally (most of the time) are the biggest improvements I've seen.

I still deal with distraction, but it's only a fraction as bad as before.

What I really need to do is follow advice to build more structure into my environment and better routines at home and at work.

(Since I'm divorced, a lot has changed in my life. It's taken a lot of work to pull myself together on my own, since I don't have the support that I once had. I went through months of depression starting last fall during a difficult job search, then swelling at the one year anniversary of when the divorce was final. I've been through counseling and been prescribed medication to help. I don't need counseling anymore, and I'm now tapering off those meds gradually.)

I take life one day at a time. When problems arise, I remind myself that I've already survived a lot already, and that I can deal with this new thing, too.

+++++

Holding on to Hope, and adopting a Growth Mindset, have helped me a lot. I still have my struggles, but I feel like I'm moving forward to being a better 'me'.

[doghome in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thats great to hear you have pulled yourself through, you should be proud. thats a great attitude, to be a better you He likes to compliment me on my organized ways because it helps him and he jokes about how his life would not be if we were not together. Ive always been a detailed person and that definitely comes in handy with our lives.

He is on the atomoxetine, has been for just over a year or so and he does say it helps him. We both knew it was not a cure all, but could help in the management right? so thats what we view it as, a tool.

I believe in living in the moment, and focusing on my response to his forgetfulness, and my attitude of helping but not enabling. One day at a time is true

[LifeIsLearning in reply to doghome]

I'm thinking about the "he hates that he needs a list for everything" part. A guy in a group coaching program I'm in recently said something to the effect of "So? I need an airplane to fly." Everyone needs certain things in life to get along. Our society just pinpoints certain ones with certain stigmas. I'm betting there's some formative years "little t trauma" about making lists or being responsible that he is feeling ashamed about. Your dedication to him and to the marriage, seeing his value over his challenges, may hopefully help him rebuild his opinion of himself.

[doghome in reply to LuisBarcelona]

Thanks for the reply. I guess I dont see it as overprotection, but the idea that I took the vows of better or worse seriously. We do love each other and have good times but I just get mentally tired more than he does but yet he will recognize it and acknowledge it and for me it helps. The fact he can see, sometimes, the extra effort needed by me, is sometimes all I need. Its just with that in mind he still thinks I would have a better life without him, he thinks hes a burden, but Im not ready to let go, because of the good times that we do still have. I just feel since its not his fault, he doesnt want to be this way, that its not right for me to give up either. Any other health issue and it would not even be a thought, so I see this as just a health issue but that CAN be managed to some degree by both of us. Im just trying to find that better way to do it

[wtfadhd]

maybe its not even an adhd thing- maybe its a hic- up in the course of marriage… ?

[doghome in reply to wtfadhd]

We wondered that too, but there was too many symptoms and with the doctors diagnosis, we now have something to work with is how we feel, hard as it is. He knows now why he was the ways he was as a kid, alot of things lined up for him and it actually gave him a new appreciation for what I see. His fear is it leading to Dementia, which is what we watched his dad deal with in his last years, but the Drs say there is no direct link, as of yet