I do not have ADHD but my partner might

[sqirlgrl]

I mean no disrespect to anyone suffering from ADHD and/or its symptoms/triggers. I am grasping at straws here as a person that does not have ADHD but in a relationship with someone that may have it and has convinced themself that they do and that's the explanation to everything. I cannot find much information or any groups to join as the person on the opposite end of someone struggling with this Ailment. On my own, I'm reading, watching video's, signing up for groups, etc. trying to understand or work with this the best I can. BUT... my two issues I cannot find anything on or get past is ...1) Is it normal for someone that definitively has ADHD to ANNOUNCE IT every 15 minutes, every conversation even with complete strangers? Everything he does or doesn't do, or says or doesn't say, good, bad or indifferent, he ends with "You know I have ADHD, YOU need to deal with it!" or "I have a mental disorder, YOU need to change how you address me, speak to me, look at me, treat me, etc etc etc" or "I can't help the horrible, hateful, disrespectful things I scream at you... it's my defense mechanism cause I have ADHD". I could go on and on, but EVERYTHING is cause he has ADHD and can't help it. Is this normal, to announce it? It's to the point of everyone around him, NOT just me, has heard it soooooo much that as much as everyone tries to deal with his ADHD and not take anything he says personally, it has driven EVERYONE... customers, clients, his kids, neighbors, and myself to stay at arms length. If you do not agree with his opinion about ANYTHING... a commercial on tv being funny or not... it's instant outrage... you know I have ADHD and feel bad about myself, so why can't you just agree with me instead of triggering my ADHD and making me suffer? I DON'T KNOW, NONE OF US KNOW, how to deal with this on a constant, everyday basis. PLEASE ADVISE! I don't read, view, hear about others nonstop verbally announcing multiple times throughout the day every day... I HAVE ADHD, I can say what I want, do what I want, behave however I want cause I have this and everyone else needs to adjust.

2.) Is it fair of me, to be hurt that I am researching, reading, doing everything in my power to learn how to adjust my words, my actions, my understanding, my knowledge of this condition but he has read some symptoms... and told me that he has no control to change because the way his mind works so I have to do all the changing. But, has DONE nothing actively to address his ADHD. I'd even feel less hurt, if he was researching himself how to cope with ADHD from his perspective but he does not.

Again, I'm not trying to be disrespectful to anyone that has been diagnosed with this ailment. I'm reaching out and don't know where to turn.

Thank you

[PinkPanda23]

As the partner, thank you for taking the steps you have to educate yourself about ADHD, and for trying to be understanding and supportive.

I have ADHD, and part of my symptoms is oversharing, which does include freely letting people know I have it. It helps me to have a scientific cause for why I behave in certain ways, and as an explanation for my actions in the moment. BUT, having ADHD is not an excuse to misbehave and verbally abuse the people in my life!

My first question/suggestion is to request a formal diagnosis from a qualified mental health professional. I would no more self diagnose mental illness than cancer, and he shouldn't either.

If he indeed has ADHD, and perhaps comorbid conditions like anxiety, depression etc, these are things that can be treated with medication and counseling. Both his behavior and your relationship will benefit from diagnosis and treatment.

I also suggest a few sessions in therapy for yourself, to learn how to navigate in this relationship with the diagnosis of ADHD as the elephant in the room. Announcing he has ADHD and demanding Carter Blanche on bad behavior and emotional/verbal abuse is not acceptable. Don't allow yourself to be bullied by him anymore. It may be mental illness that's driving his behavior, but it's not an excuse and he needs professional help. Good luck!

[sqirlgrl in reply to PinkPanda23]

Thank you for responding and explaining from your side. I appreciate you clarifying that you yourself also announce you have it. It kinda threw me off but I let it slide thinking, "ok, maybe this is part of having ADHD, or how he accepts it" until we were on job site and he announced it 6+ times to a complete stranger (another contractor) in less than an hour and finally the guy just smiled and politely walked off to go back to work. THAT is when I realized that I wasn't the only one that caught this repetitive proclamation as odd and what prompted me to inquire further with people like yourself that have insight on it. So, I appreciate you admitting to me that you also openly share it. Him telling people didn't concern me, its the WHEN and the frequency, or the timing, and ALWAYS over and over again when he's raging and absolutely being hateful towards me or about someone else. And then randomly to complete strangers, "Don't mind me, I have ADHD". Honestly, me not having it, my brain reacted (just a thought, not followed through on it) but instantly after the 1000th time... I WANTED to say, do you want me to get it printed on a Tshirt "Don't mind me, I have ADHD" and in parenthesis under that ("repeat"). My apologies if that isn't funny, I'm not making fun but admitting that was my thought or MY brains reaction.

As far as him getting a formal diagnosis, HE WILL NEVER GO! As far as medication, he refuses to take anything prescribed and/or how prescribed. He thinks ALL doctors conspire how to make people sicker to make more money and those that aren't in it for the money, are part of population control. Same person that goes to urgent care for a toothache then doesn't follow the instructions from the doctor or pays xrays out of pocket and for a $350 boot at urgent care for pain in his foot and literally wore it 24 hours and threw a fit cause his foot still hurt. As far as therapy, I HAVE BEGGED him, he himself has mentioned it... I go to try to set up an appointment for both of us and all heck breaks loose how he already knows everything, I just want to drug him, there's nothing a doctor can tell him that he doesn't already know, and if I make him go then it's the same as me calling him stupid. That I just need to agree with him, I need to change how I treat him, he will TEACH me how to speak to him, I need to learn cause he doesn't have to cause he's the one with ADHD, blah blah blah. I'm having difficulty after 19 years together, that all of a sudden 6 years ago it was okay for him to behave anyway he wanted to cause he has issues (his words) and then 3 years ago deciding he has ADHD and I'm supposed to change everything about myself to accommodate that self diagnosis.

I'm not opposed to BOTH of us getting help with this, he on the other hand, actions do not follow the words... he will admit he needs help, but then will not participate on getting any.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just have NO WHERE to go with any of this, inquire about, ask opinions, assist me with sorting through this so I can understand, etc. If THIS is not the right place, PLEASE If anyone can guide me where to turn, please let me know. I'd really like to know if the ADHD partner ever or is capable of seeing the situation from the non ADHD partners view, I'm trying to understand HIS perspective, at any point can he understand mine?

Again, thank you for your very helpful response.

[Chionophile]

In my personal opinion and coming from a wife, mother etc that has ADHD, I never think it’s on the other people to understand me and make concessions for my disorder. I was the one to seek help because I hate feeling the way ADHD makes me feel. I pursued a year long battle to finally get the right support and meds to function to the best of my abilities. I am the one that researches and shares info with my husband many times and chatted through it. So in my mind, it’s your partners responsibility to educate those around him on best ways to live/work/play etc in a way that is helpful and supportive. You cannot be there for him if he is not recognizing this and addressing his condition. That’s the other thing - if he does feel like he needs help managing ADHD he should absolutely have it diagnosed and treated. Again, I don’t want to seem rude but that’s on your partner not on you.

[sqirlgrl in reply to Chionophile]

I appreciate your response. Sounds like you have a healthy acceptance of your disorder and choose to find solutions that work for you and your husband. He explains nonstop how EVERYTHING makes him feel, and tells me that since he has no control over his undiagnosed ADHD that it is my responsibility to learn how to deal with him and change everything about myself to fit his disability. After 19 years... now he has convinced himself that he has ADHD and has become HATEFUL from it and I'm the one that has to do all the research, change myself, learn how to make it easier for him. I'm never going to convince him to go to a doctor and that's where my frustration is... how do I alone have to understand his mental issues when he doesn't have to lift a finger to help it and absolutely doesn't have to understand I do NOT have ADHD but am trying to understand by educating myself about it. It's exhausting trying to understand while being the verbal punching bag when he is "triggered". But being on the flipside of the coin... he doesn't have to try to understand how difficult it is for me and a struggle to stop every thought, every action, every word out of my mouth and think... how do I think, do, say without TRIGGERING him. He literally has told me that I need to teach myself how to not have facial expressions cause without saying a word, my facial expressions trigger him. I have got so frustrated with that...I told him... solution... DON'T look at me, problem solved. I don't think this is healthy but that's why I'm reaching out to understand what else I can or can't do cause this is not living. I'm trying to figure out if I'm really the one not understanding this disorder or if my ADHD partner is in denial or taking advantage of it to be hateful cause its easier and makes him feel better. I appreciate everyone here's insight and I promise I'm not trying to disrespect anyone that struggles with ADHD with my frustration and confusion about it. Being the one without it, I just have nowhere else to go to find out these answers. Asking him is out of the question, it comes down to HOURS of him screaming at me that I just need to do as he says and have no emotions about it so he can heal himself. But... I have feelings also. I personally think he needs help, regardless if it's ADHD like he claims or not. If I'm speaking out of line, please tell me.

[PinkPanda23 in reply to sqirlgrl]

The thing is, the reason it's important to get a professional diagnosis is because the behavior you describe isn't at all considered ADHD. There are other mental illnesses that fit much better. I'm not qualified to make diagnosis, but I assure you what you describe isn't typical ADHD.

We forget things you just told us. We lose our keys. We don't pay our bills on time. We are time blind and often late. We freeze when we are overwhelmed. We can't focus on demand, but we can hyperfocus on something that interests our brains and block out the world during that time. Prioritizing is difficult for us; we can keep busy doing things that can wait while procrastinating on things that have deadlines. Our minds wander off while we're having conversations and when we come back to the moment we missed important points.

We don't run around telling everybody we have ADHD and expect people to change for us and accommodate our whims.

I researched ADHD and helped my husband learn about it. I still drive him crazy. But he knows I'm trying and he doesn't blame me. Your guy has profoundly changed your relationship and set up ultimatum. I'm not seeing much positive on his end and a lot of difficulty on yours. If he won't get help, even more important that you do, to learn how to adjust, and if you even should.

Sorry, not aware of partner support group. But again, he may not even have it. A counselor for you will help you sort it out.

[Chionophile in reply to PinkPanda23]

That’s what I was thinking too- whatever it is needs to be diagnosed and then treated. Just saying you have something doesn’t make it so because it could be something entirely different. I will say that with my meds I am waaaaaaaay bette than without and most of my symptoms tho not all are managed. I think getting a diagnosis is the way to go!

[FDRaphael in reply to PinkPanda23]

I'll second PinkPanda. This doesn't sound like ADHD to me. Or, if he does have ADHD, it sounds like there are some significant additional things going on.

[rubystarsapphire]

Yeah you say you “did all the research” on it, but have zero insights about it in your posts.

You're dumping your problems here to rant. No one can solve your problems or tell you about your ‘partner.’ But you do a few things that are common when a person is fed up with someone with ADD or ADHD, and that is exaggerate the times the afflicted say they have it, & then exaggerate again & say that they use it as an excuse for everything they do that p!sses them off. You just do not have the ring of authenticity, Ive read this kind of thing over & again from other ‘partners’ who come on here to rant about their partner, even when they have no diagnosis.

You’re not married, if youre that put upon by this horrible man who changed overnight, leave. Somehow I dont think its the case, or that you are telling the whole truth.

[Strudelcat123 in reply to rubystarsapphire]

Wow, rude much? I think every post from sqirlgrl was insightful, caring, and sincerely asking for some helpful advice or a different perspective. Who is the real one here "dumping" and "ranting"? Whatever your problem is, no need to eviscerate someone who is sincerely looking for help and answers. Since it sounds like you are the person who has had their partner's complaints lodged against them, try fixing your own issues before getting your frustrations out on others. And I quote "no one can solve your problems" so until you deal with yours, back off on the hate toward someone trying to solve theirs.

[PinkPanda23 in reply to rubystarsapphire]

Wow - that's so rude! She is bending over backward and begging for help. If you can't add constructively, maybe bypass. If she was suicidal and came here asking for help, your telling her she's just looking for attention might cost a life. For goodness' sake, find your compassion before you type!

[Lilwonder]

You can get an online support group for partners of ADHD’ers through Gina Pera. Google her and her training for spouses/ partners.

[sqirlgrl in reply to Lilwonder]

Thank you for giving me an option or direction for partners. I've looked/asked but unsuccessfully. I do appreciate it.

[Spud-u-Like1982]

He's using that as an excuse, which isn't right. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions instead of trying to get the world to apologise to him for having ADHD. I've struggled with it for over 40 years, not knowing what it was, but always feeling 'different'. My mind is a battlefield of OCD and ADHD, but I don't use that as an excuse to be a jerk or rude to people or to give me special privileges and allowances. No one has the right to be a jerk and hurtful to loved ones who are only trying to help.

I greatly admire you for trying to help him and looking in to the condition, but he needs to help himself and he needs to stop hiding behind the label. It also reflects badly on the rest of us who have the condition and deal with it and live with it each and every day, without the need to declare it to the world.

He also needs to realise how there are people in the world much worse off than he is, who still live constructive and fulfilling lives despite adversity from health conditions and disabilities.

[Mamamichl]

I have ADHD myself, and I know it burns me to tell people in the professional field. I do state it too much to people, but I try not to use it as an excuse… It is my coping strategy to tell my supervisor about it when I’m in trouble, but I’m always interested in learning myself and helping others learn (I’m a sped teacher).

My ex did talk openly about it in the aggressive way you describe, but it’s considered gaslighting when he says it like this, and he was officially diagnosed. This is also partially why I’m not with him. My current partner doesn’t tell everyone about it, but I do embarrass him some when I tell people about his. We do have open, respectful conversations about it to plan on bettering ourselves.

What your partner is doing abuse and if he tells you it’s your problem, he is not taking his ADHD seriously. First thing he needs to do is to get an OFFICIAL diagnosis. I’m pretty sure my mom has it too, but she’s not trying to get a diagnosis and places blame too. I had to disown her a year ago, and it helped my mental health. Self diagnosis does not constitute a diagnosis. Getting a diagnosis is STEP 1.

You are definitely NOT being disrespectful, and I’m sorry your partner makes you feel this way. If he cares, he should be researching WITH you. My partner and I are learning how diverse our symptoms can be. Both of us have very different symptoms, but we are both on medication and have tried counseling. I am currently in DBT and it’s helping with communication and emotion regulation.

Have you tried showing him videos of people doing coping strategies? I suggest starting with these you tubers and their books and videos: how to ADHD (book by same name), the holderness family (book called ADHD is awesome), and adhd_love (book called dirty laundry). With him in particular, I would start with the holderness family then move on from there. Send just one or two to test the waters. Talk calmly about what strategies he has been trying, since some of them are quite beneficial. If it’s more gaslighting, you need to give him an ultimatum to at least be diagnosed or you will leave. It’s definitely not worthy staying in an abusive relationship if he’s not trying even the minimal requirement of bettering himself.

[Nick1913]

hi sqirlgrl,

Thank you for not quitting. Thank you for researching. Two things your partner should be great full for.

Not having impulse control is also a ‘part’ of ADHD. There are many different parts as mentioned by others before me. Yes I also am alternatively wired.😁

I was diagnosed because I wanted to understand what was going on in my brain. Research helped but it was the comprehensive testing and diagnosis that made the difference. I joined CHADD and recommend their website there are various support groups that meet virtually (Covid results). Might have some in the flesh meeting also.

Point is, getting diagnosed, finding out the true reason for the behavior. Once you have the truth you can better understand, help more effectively.

Good Luck

Nick