Our marriage is really struggling. As a bit of background we have been together 15 years this year, have children, a business and a dog. My husband has always had issues that were portrayed as depression (which brought its own issues to our relationship) and then finally last year he was diagnosed with adhd and it was like a lightbulb moment. Things started to feel like they fit into place and it felt like there was finally light at the end of the tunnel. He started taking Elvanse and has felt like it has made a difference which is great news. Prior to him starting treatment and speaking to a psychotherapist he was typical adhd minus the hyperactivity. Was forgetful, distant, would act as though he had forgotten we existed. Impulsive - our business is a life line but he openly admits he is running into the ground because he cant control how much he is spending which is effecting our home life ( we could really do with moving somewhere bigger as where we in a bit of a squeeze but cant afford to because our finances are not stable ) We throws himself into a lot of 'emotional affairs' something I hadnt known was a thing untill i read it on an adhd site. Where by he basically wont say a word to us but he will spend hours upon hours talking too other women. He goes through stages with this and is currently not doing it stage although I sadly know its around the corner- because it always is . It sounds harsh but ive always found our relationship quite lonley. He literally gets up , goes to work, comes home and sits on a games console. Often ignoring everyone else. I know its an adhd thing and he needs this time to decompress from the day but its still tough. Everything is my responsability. The children, home , housework, I cant leave him with the kids because he struggles and refuses too ( also due to his adhd ) even to walk the dog is a no. I thought that him starting his medication would make all the difference and that things would change once he was stable but it hasnt. If anything its just . Now on top of everything I was already doing , im also working at our office to try and get it more stable. I just feel so trapped. But when I try and approach anything with him about him helping out or watching the kids - He always refuses because of his ADHD. We had a running joke in our house that It literally dosnt matter waht I say, his ADHD will always win. He dosnt talk to me the nicest- he can be relaly lovely on his own terms but can be really rude towards me , even in front of other people. But he just says this is something I need to get over because its another ADHD thing.
I understand this isnt a 'he can change ' thing . I know that but life is so hard lately and this guy I would have always said was my best friend and absolute love of my life and I feel like were losing that.
I just really some advice so I dont always feel like the asshole .
Written by
Theestateagentswife
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
You and your husband need to go to Marriage Counseling. It is important to remember these problems have taken years to develop. It will take time and work for things to change. Having ADHD is not an excuse. It sounds like your husband also needs to see a psychologist that can help him identify his issues. A psychologist can also advise him on ways to change his behavior. The thing is, your husband has to want to change and to do the work needed
I say YOU would benefit from going to therapy. Because you will need to be at your best given that your husband doesn't seem all that on top of his ADHD.
Example: ideally--actually not just ideally--but PRACTICALLY--HE needs to be the one here asking questions and getting encourage to strengthen himself and repair the marriage? He's not a child. Treating ADHD is hard. Meds don't necessarily undo bad habits and don't repair social skills and on and on--for most people.
So my question to you: how do you feel that he isn't here, that you are the one here?
Analogy: imagine he had a broken leg. HE should be the one here searching for tips on healing. You are not his mother.
I do think I need it. Ive built up such a resentment towards him. RIghtly or wrongly. He is just very much 'I dont see an issue with whats happening , so its more a you problem'
I know he feels hurt when i bring things up because his instant defence is that im doing it to make him feel small and like rubbish but its not at all. I just genuinly dont know how to get through to him
For me, I realise when things are spelt out for me in a clear way.
Not around the house's... Clear and blunt.
I.e. I forget to do tasks- my partner tells me pretty clearly (not shouting) what impact that has had etc.
Also coaching is great- my advice, find someone who has ADHD as the therapist or coach. I've been to a few, but though they are trained they don't understand then I found those that release.
Thanks. Its not the tasks that are the issue, taking on the housework I can manage with but I dont feel like I have a husband anymore. It's just like we live in the same house but only one of us has any responsabilities.
Again, for me it is about being blunt and clear. Even in relation to how it makes you feel, is what works for me.
I very much have tunnel vision and struggle to think very much about anything else other than what is on my mind at the moment.
Alongside this, ADHD'ers have hyperfixation. They'll chuck everything into something then get distracted and forget about it.
Sometimes, it just needs a reset.
I'm not married but have been with my partner for a good number of year's. At one point, her colleagues said we practically lived separate lives. Hearing that hurt, which then gave me a kick up the arse to think about my partner more. For me, it is always about the reset. To refocus my mind back to something I know in my head, but isn't at the top of the mind.
Appreciate this is only my personal scenario and what worked for us. He will love you a lot.
As I learned from Jessica McCabe of the "How to ADHD" YouTube channel: "Pills don't teach skills."
(Note: Please do not ever use that phrase as a jab or nag at your husband. Some men's egos bruise easily. I'm honest enough to say that I'm in that group.)
Having an official ADHD diagnosis and being treated with an effective medication are very important, but they are only part of the equation.
Knowing that I have ADHD has given me reason to learn all than I can about ADHD, to work on areas that I can improve (in light of my ADHD traits), to get coaching, and to build structure into areas of my life.
• It's still not easy, but I recognize now that ADHD is "Life on Hard Mode", as Brendan Mahan says. (He's the host of the "ADHD Essentials" podcast.)
You sound like my wife, but more forgiving (or more of a door mat?) When we got married she said she didn't want kids. 2 years in she was ready to leave me over kids. Aside from not wanting kids for many reasons, I knew that I would not be good at the secretarial work of parenting. I can barely keep track of my own life, much less dentist, sports, school at 8AM etc etc etc for kids!
I feel like my whole life is now oriented around responsibilities I suck at and only took on because of her. Even my free time is degraded and unfulfilling - I used to go out and have a life. Now I get scraps of time where I watch youtube or play with magic cards, but the fact that there is a time limit on my free time makes it hard to let go and enjoy myself. My only satisfying past time is playing magic via zoom with strangers and a game can last 2-4 hours. I generally need to stay up late to have that sort of uninterrupted time. I get that this is pathological and I should grow up, but what can I do? Just before we had kids I met up with a group of dads who would play cards for 3 hours once a week. It sucked. I felt like just when we had gotten started it was time to go home! She hates me for goofing off & sucking at responsibilities; I feel guilty and feel like I'm waiting for my 50's to have a chance at enjoying life.
I try, but every Monday I go past the garbage cans and don't bring them in. Every night I leave the milk out after heating some up for our 3 y/o. Dishes pile up and I PROMISE myself I'll do them tonight, light bulbs go out and, if I even notice, I figure we have too many bulbs anyway, while she gets pissed cuz that's the man's responsibility! She is ALWAYS working. ALWAYS meeting goals. ALWAYS tired. I am on edge the moment she comes home. When I first hear her park I think "Oh F! what have I forgotten?" I beg her for tasks I can help with but she never has much she will delegate to me for various reasons. The reason that really gets me is "you only did 90% of the (dishes, cleaning, whatever) so you didn't really help." Even when I do help all day with chores, she never finishes. There's always more. We have house cleaners, but the only difference I see is that once a month our evening is shot while we clean the house! Usually I say "F-it" at some point and go take some guilty free time.
Hopefully this isn't you but we share no common interests. She likes to talk about how good food X was, how nice things are, spend afternoons at street fairs and go to concerts. I like to game, argue, compete, and tear apart movies I love to critique their problems. Since my social life evaporated I have been watching a lot of politics. Up through Obama, I thought Liberal was synonymous with Left/Progressive and my wife on the same page but I now think differently. I think Obama/AOC etc are FOS & that attacking the politicians who's rhetoric you most agree with is the best path to positive change; for 40 years Democrats have run on populist platforms, while their actual legislation after election has been controlled by deeply conservative financial interests. But she can't even have the mildest of conversations about politics with me; for her rational argument is synonymous with fighting. She even suspected I had become anti-abortion saying "I just don't know what you believe anymore" while simultaneously refusing to discuss what/why I believe what I do. My beliefs haven't changed, only my understanding of politics but I can't bring her with me, or even watch non-fiction when she's around. We haven't even watched a TV show together at least since our 2nd kid 3 years ago.
When it gets bad, I can't help it. My mind falls back on "Not my fault! You lied to me for 4 years about enjoying my lifestyle and not wanting kids. You WANTED this life and I'm doing my best, putting off the possibility of pursuing the life I want for 15-20 years so that your life will have 'meaning' via reproduction." I know her response. "I didn't lie, people change" but she was 31 when we got married!
IDK. I put myself through some S and had do do some serious painful growing in my 20's. I thought I was an addict, but now that I'm medicated I'm not so sure. I was always the black sheep and had glaring bad behavior to deal with. Meanwhile, she did music and I have come to regard this as her socially acceptable drug abuse history. She practiced Clarinet constantly from HS through getting a BA in music. Music - clarinet & headphones - was a wall between herself and the world and it was as growth stunting as a drug addiction. Since I met her in nursing school she has touched her clarinet twice - once at my request, and once at my daughter's request. Other than a couple of meals with old friends she has not even kept any contact with that life. The only life she wants now is with her parents and sister and this consumes most of our free time. I never had a rolladex of people to reach out to - I had a life but it involved hanging out somewhere and participating in whatever was happening. Those people are mostly economic refugees long gone anyway. My previous survival strategy does not translate well to a life of marriage with kids.
I don't know how my story can help you. It sounds like your guy is less interested in accommodating your needs. Letting him blame everything on ADHD to the point of non-participation is BS, but I wonder what your situation is from his perspective. I imagine he thinks he's doing SOME things to help out and he doesn't WANT to be the A-Hole that you describe. I'll say that it is easier for me to have a habit that is part of my AM routine - make a list of things he can accomplish upon waking - dishes, toys off floor, start laundry if it's not too hot etc. This is a good way to start the day with some productive inertia w/out taxing the grey matter too much. It would also help to have a finite list of goals that he can see the end of and can receive positive reinforcement as the goals are met. It is hard to describe my experience of time - interesting things seem to teleport me hours into the future while unpleasant tasks make time grind to an agonizing halt, begging me to just blow off my responsibilities. If I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel it is hard to convince myself to start. Emotional cheating IMO is no different than full on penetration; my wife had a boyfriend and was totally absorbed by that non-sexual relationship. Only you can judge if you can recover from this, but it sounds like he is checked out. FUN in your relationship needs to be prioritized - You also need to complete a finite list of goals and make time for play. It's F'ed up, but if you become the harpy that only exists to remind him he screwed up, the servant who makes him feel guilty by picking up the slack, or the tired sex partner who's only sexual function is to enforce abstinence, then he's gonna find an outlet somewhere.
I think im definitly more door mat . For us its reversed - so he can get up in the morning and tell me his goign to the cinema with his friends . or out for breakfast with a friend or just stay in bed for hours on end because he has sat up playing on the playstation all night. For me that would be an instant no go. He wouldnt want to be at home with the kids alone, because he finds it tough etc. He dosnt really interact with them but his answer to everyhting is that I shoudl just find a babysitter - but I want him to be the other half of my team , not another child.
Ive seen previously that writing lists would help and we have tried this , but most mornings i dont have the time to mental capacity to think for him as well. but then the blame falls on me for not writing the lists and I argue back that I dont have the time for a 6th child and we just go in circles.
Regarding his emotional affairs, he's playing with fire. An online emotional affair can become a physical affair. (He might not push for it himself, but in an affair partner does, it might only take the suggestion for him to give in.) That kind of behavior is always harmful to a marriage.
I was married for 20 years. My wife had two affairs during our marriage. The first was a few months long with a neighbor, which started out as "just friends" and quickly turned into a physical affair. She only confessed it to me after our was over. (The other man broke it off, not her.) The second one began as an online emotional affair, and turned into a physical affair which ended our marriage. (She divorced me and is now with the other man.)
I've unpacked a lot because of that. She had grown up with a lot of neglect & abuse, and had various other risk factors that made her susceptible, such as low self-esteem and poor self-image.
• I had a much better childhood, but I've also struggled with self-esteem and self-image issues, and I recognized a few times that I was susceptible to cheating... except that I didn't have the opportunity. (The times that I felt rejected-by or distanced-from my wife.) But I intentionally didn't act on those feelings, instead I acted against them... putting physical and social distance between myself and the women I was attracted to, because of my commitment to my wife and our marriage. --- However, I understand my weakness well enough to know that if any of those women had approached me and shown interest, the temptation might have been too strong to resist. (I give God the credit for helping me to avoid the temptation each of those times.)
the issue his use of emotional affairs is that not does it cause issues in our marraige that I need to mentally get over. But it just makes me resent him more . Its like ive had to be the adult and accomodate the life on every being in the house and he gets to so as he pleases when he pleases. And thats really hard. To top it all off - for him he dosnt see anything wrong in this behaviour.
I should have started my first reply with, as they would say fun Reddit: "NTA" (you're "not the a-hole").
~~~~~
The common factor with him from what your described appears to be that he's focused on self-satisfying or self-gratifying behaviors. (Not being him and not being present in the situation, I can't know for sure.)
What I can say for sure is that ADHD is said to not really be due to a deficit of attention, but rather is due to an interest-based attention system
Behaviors like video gaming and engaging in emotional affairs are dopamine-seeking types of behaviors. Other dopamine-seeking behaviors can also include drug use, thrill-seeking (from liking roller coasters, to speeding and drag racing, to rock climbing & skydiving, to getting into fights...more often associated with males in their teens and 20s); dopamine is released in the pursuit of these things, adrenaline is released as a reward.
Stimulants will trigger a release of dopamine, which treats the deficiency associated with ADHD. like caffeine and nicotine, illicit stimulant-type drugs, and of course stimulant medications like amphetamines or methylphenidate (including his medication, Elvanse).
However, just taking a stimulant medication will not change a person's habits. To change a habit requires intention, effort, and persistence.
-----
I think that my younger son has combined ADHD, that's both the hyperactive impulsive and inattentive put together. His hyperactivity usually does not draw much attention, because he will fidget with ordinary, everyday things, like he will hold the TV remote in his hand and Trace his thumb over the buttons without pushing them. He is also an avid video gamer, and his game playing movements may be masking hyperactivity. It's only when he needs to stand still that I see him moving in a squirmy way that I associate with hyperactivity and young boys. When he was homeschooling during the pandemic, I noticed that when he was on the floor doing his school work, every time I would glance at him he would be in the exact same place but in a different position, which I also think was a sign of hyperactivity.
I brought this up as an example how hyperactivity can't be missed, by being masked as other activity. I think that hyperactivity in adults with ADHD can be much more easily missed. Many adults do work that engages their whole body, and might have a lot of variety of activities.
I definitely suggest couple’s therapy. Having ADHD doesn’t mean you lr husband is unable to do the things you want him to do. I have inattentive adhd and there are things that are hard for me and I definitely disappoint my husband but, besides work, what does your husband do? Maybe he’s convinced himself he is incapable. As a person with ADHD, I can definitely relate to your husband’s wanting to check out because everything feels hard. I am guessing when he has tried to do things in the past, it felt too hard and he struggled to be consistent. I have sometimes felt like I am walking around with my shoes tied together and that if I try to add anything more to my plate,, I’ll fall flat on my face. Maybe that is the case with your husband? Regardless, you and your family deserve more of him. Tell him you both need counseling. Tell him you need something to change. Start small. Good luck!
He does stuff at home, but its stuff he is intersted in . So he will do DIY but only if its somethign that really gets his attention. Building himself a home office that sort of thing. He does DIY in the house but its the things he chooses when and how he wants. Other than that its just playstation when his at home. He wont entertaint the idea of heading out with the kids, or going for a walk. I just feel like im navigating another 6 year sometimes - which of course isnt im sure what either of us want.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like it's been stressful for a long time. While ADHD isn't your husband's fault, it is his responsibility. And from what you've written here, he seems to not want to take responsibility. He's hurting you with his actions and expects his ADHD to absolve him of wrongdoing, but that's unfair and damaging to everyone involved. The fact that he outright refuses to help with the kids or dog demonstrates (at least to me) that there's more going on than ADHD or depression. His values seem backwards. He's rude to you publicly and privately, refuses to help, leaves you feeling lonely, and emotionally cheats? That's not ADHD. He can change those behaviors. And if he wanted to, he would.
In my relationship, I am the one with the ADHD diagnosis. I blew up my marriage due to many of the traits and characteristics of that diagnosis. We divorced in 2012. I was diagnosed at 59 in 2021.
I have spent years in therapy (also incorrectly diagnosed. I was told i was bipolar - but the meds didn't help and nothing changed). I could never understand wtf was wrong with me. I had all the tools... YEARS in therapy and i am also a 30+ year recovering addict. I have MAD skills. I am highly self aware and I have/had a true desire to get well. i knew what to do but could never seem to get there. the diagnosis was a lightbulb moment for me too and there was a lot of leaning on my new diagnosis for a while. it helped me make sense of a lot of struggles and to be gentle with myself. many of my struggles have been for my entire life.
i went on meds. but for me they weren't working ( I tried, stratera, guanfacine and adderall) the Adderall didn't help, it changed my attitude and it was much too closely similar to my "drug of choice" when I was using (which upon learning the diagnosis, actually made a lot of sense that i'd use that drug). I felt lost and didnt know what my next move was to be.
i grew up in NYC where there are tons of options for ADHD support, but not here in Springfield MO - my new home. I met someone here who is a therapist and I asked if she had any recommendations for support with ADHD and she recommended a man who is an expert in LENS Neurofeedback. Simple terms: It basically reboots your brain. it is a defrag of sorts (hopefully you'll get the reference) it has allowed me to create new pathways (such an ignorant explanation lol. Please investigate it). I will say that I have done more growing in the past year since starting this than I have in all the years of recovery and of therapy. it has allowed me to gain control of my emotions (my executive functioning sucks) and it has improved my focus tremendously. the drawback is (for me anyway) it is not covered by insurance and i pay $120 a session. the upside is there is an end to the treatment. I've been doing it for a little over a year. i went from once a week to less frequently 2-6 weeks apart and now i am about to the point where i will only go in for periodic "tuneups" often the result of an event that may throw me off my game and back into old habits. (events such as trauma, physical or emotional or illness)
I WANTED to improve and I pushed and ask and researched until i figured out what would help me. but it also took me a while to move past seeing every bad thing in my life as an extension of my new diagnosis and to begin to take steps to improve. overall i would say, my improvement has been exponential. that does not mean that there aren't days that i cannot focus and lie on the couch all day not answering my phone and just watching tv and internet shopping. for me, i am coming to accept that i am different and i am going to have bad moments/days. i also take supplements and between these two things, i have been functioning quite well and have even successfully started a new job and am doing really well.
the supplements i found in Additude Magizine - called: ACCENTRATE 110 & MZI
do they help? i cannot say for certain but overall i am largely improved so why change it to find out?
i dont know if this helped at all. but i will say, it will always be a challenge to navigate and will depend largely how interested he is in improving.
as for the suggestions of marriage counseling etc. it is my opinion (and you know what they say about opinions ;-)) He needs to come to terms with the diagnosis and figure out how he's going to navigate that first.
it certainly wouldn't help for you to get help for yourself as your husband learns to live with this information.
Well, I certainly got that reference! (I'm an IT worker, this I'm a professional computer geek...and a Windows user from the time it was first released... and MS-DOS before that.)
The LENS therapy seems very intriguing. I doubt that my insurance will cover it.
I've been able to make some changes.
Similar to the OP's husband with video games, I used to be addicted to TV. I was drawn to it like moth to the flame.
• Somehow, I kicked that when my younger son was an infant. (I think it was a combination of things that reset my brain, at the time.) That was almost 11 years ago, and it was unintentional, but I was glad for the change.
• Since the prolonged anxiety issues that led to my ADHD diagnosis, I've been making a lot of changes. My ADHD diagnosis and treatment has helped me to make more changes. Most importantly, I am a lot more compassionate with myself, and stopped beating myself up due to issues that are caused by ADHD. (Knowing the root cause sure helps to look for strategies that work better than "just try harder.")
Resentment, admonishment, confusion, frustration, desire, lusting, failures, and "shaming" either intentional or unintentional occurred each time I failed at being normative or non-ADHD. At one point in my youth, I seem to have developed behaviors to protect myself from the regular shaming attacks. To my family, being overweight was due to laziness, missing scheduled events or anniversaries was perceived as "not caring." No matter that I always had the intent of providing, being successful, social, and a great husband and father; my ADHD behavioral impacts brought on depression and anxiety further impacting my relationships, family, and businesses.
After diagnosis, I was able to understand that shame had been the driving energy of my life, or better said, my life was centered around fighting off the bias of the normative world. With self-education therapy, meds, and EMDR, I was able to see the places of shame in my psychology and negate the triggering protections.
I had to understand what individual Bias was, perceive my bias, and learn why bias is so hard to self-perceive before I could begin to heal.
Our society uses shaming to build compliance in its participants; there is a reason you wear a Redsox hat to a RedSox's game in Boston. My behaviors, their impacts, and existing biases devalued my intent, which was all I could value since failure was always around the corner, with plenty of shaming.
I've been in a relationship with my spouse for thirty-eight years married with an additional ten years dating prior to that; yes we were twelve and thirteen when we began dating. Will our marriage survive, unknown, but I no longer allow shaming or abuse in my life, no matter the intention of shaming, its destructiveness is untenable.
my heart breaks for you but also i feel anger towards your husband for being a shitty person n blaming it on adhd. impulsiveness is an adhd thing for sure, but what he is doing isnt about of impulsivity- he has made being disrespectful to you and the children as the standard. thats not adhd impulsivity. “ emotional cheating” also isnt an adhd symptom. its a self indulgent cheap way to get ego needs met without having to truly invest or put energy into another human… and feel justified… thats not adhd thats sociopathic. are other women, you, and his children put on earth to meet his ego needs with while his entitlement is to receive with absolutely no regard for others???? wth??? thats not adhd.
you said he was your “ best friend”. wow, who needs enemies with a bff like that?
im not saying your hubby is a bad person. but to me, who isnt emotionally attached to your situation- it appears that you are making alot of excuses for this full grown adult man who is doing bare minimum. 😢
adhd means we are impulsive and therefore we need to put safeguards in place that other people dont have to bother to do bc they arent prone to impulsiveness.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Support for ADHD Spouse
Struggling with Structuring a budget, both spouses have ADHD
How has your ADHD effected how you communicate in your important relationships. 
i would like a friend that i could talk to that has a spouse that has ADHD
How to help spouse get help
